Saturday, December 31, 2011
I'm still married, that's not going to change.
I'm still cancer-free, that is something I am grateful for and hopeful that I don't have to face that again any time soon.
I'm still working for the same company, although there were some major changes in management this year. I no longer work for the Devil Wears Prada, and I actually found myself looking forward to going to the office (until recently, but that's another story entirely).
I bid farewell to my 30s, and in essence my youth at the same time.
I said good-bye to some friends, and welcomed some new ones to my life.
I've said adios to some negativity, and developing a more positive outlook on life.
Bin Laden is dead. Kim Jong Il is dead. The recession was allegedly dead, but those rumors were greatly exaggerated. We said farewell to celebrities, pop icons, and politicians. We welcomed some new additions to our family through marriages and births, and bid adieu to some not-so-awesome family members through divorce.
2011 brought a lot of changes. Some good, some bad. Some were happy, some were sad. It is bittersweet to say farewell to a year where I turned 40 - in another decade I will be turning 30 and hopefully in convincing fashion.
All in all, I look to 2012 with hope. I am not setting huge expectations for 365 days, but welcome it with open arms and look forward to the surprises the coming year will bring. No resolution, just a promise to continue to grow as a person.
Monday, December 19, 2011
BUT... I know how it feels to be broke. The worst debt I have been in was about $25,000 at my absolute worst. When I was at my worst, I binge ate and binge shopped to run away from what was really going on in my life. It didn't work, because the problems were still there and I was creating new problems by gaining a shitload of weight and building a shitload of debt.
In June of this year, I was $20,000 in debt. I finally crashed and told my husband about my problem. It was embarassing, but more... I couldn't live that way any longer. I cried for what felt like hours, and the shame I felt made me realize that I needed to turn things around.
I spent $600 on airfare to get to Miami for that cruise, another $200 for the hotel, restaurant, and transportation, and then the cruise itself and a 10 bottle wine package (stupid, I know...). I almost cancelled the entire trip because I couldn't afford any of the other expenses, and I didn't want to have to fess up to anyone on the trip. So, I withdrew. I didn't do any spa treatments like I wanted to, I didn't buy anything extravagant, and I didn't do any excursions. Basically, I was boat-bound unless it involved no money.
When I checked out? I had a credit balance. I didn't end up using all of the bottles of wine, and the cruiseline credited me for the unused bottles. It was a small savings, but it made me feel like there was a light at the end of the financial tunnel. Flash forward 6 months, I have paid down close to $8,000 of that mounting debt, my car is paid off, and my husband and I are working on a plan to get rid of all of my debt within the next year.
I am compulsive. I have no control. I try to escape from my problems, and I often let it out in my writing. Sometimes, people take what I have to say personally, but this blog is about me and MY problems. I am not placing blame on anyone for the way I react to things, I am not trying to deflect responsibility for my own actions. I am a product of my own environment, and I was raised in a rather fucked up family that taught me some really fucked up views on life. Is this my parents' fault? Nope, not in the least. They made me who I am, and it made me stronger than I ever thought I could be.
Will everyone understand or respect what I have to say? No, most definitely. But I will always do what I can to maintain my integrity, and will never do or say anything to intentionally hurt someone. I am making a lot of changes in my life, and I am trying to simplify my life by cutting out a lot. People may not agree with what I have to say, but they should at least be respectful. My grandparents taught me that, and I plan to live the rest of my life that way. Life will be a lot more tolerable that way, for everyone.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
That would be me this weekend.
I have written about the cruise before, and while not everyone left with glowy feelings, I thought that the friends that I spent so much time with and I had bonded. Apparently, that is not true at all. It's been almost 6 months since that cruise, and I only regularly talk to one person from the trip. I occasionally check in with someone else, but on the whole... it wasn't what I had built up in my head as a memorable vacation where lifetime relationships were created. Instead, I think a pretty major rift was created.
I will admit, I may have been a tad harsh in my recap of the cruise, but I do not regret a word of it. There were a billion expectations brought on that cruise, more than the luggage that each person brought, and unfortunately it did not live up to any of those expectations.
Over the weekend, several of the cruisers that I had thought were my friends got together in NYC, and nobody thought to invite me. It made me profoundly sad. To the point that I blocked most of them from my newsfeed on FB, and even removed a few because I couldn't bear the thought of seeing them all having a fabulous time while I sat at home by myself because my husband had to work 18 hours yesterday.
I had invented these amazing friendships in my head, but in reality - they never existed. I am very disappointed in myself for allowing myself to feel so sad about something that wasn't real, but I'm more disappointed in myself for letting it bother me. That's growth, people. I would normally mope and eat my feelings away, but instead I am OK with feeling sad about it, I didn't binge, and I'm writing about the learning experience. I will never take another vacation like that again, I will only take trips with my true friends, not people who I was DYING to be friends with - you know, the "cool clique." As a teenager, I was socially awkward, and never found my circle of friends to hang with so I kind of wandered from circle to circle and never really felt like I belonged. As an adult, 20-something years later, I am still socially awkward, but it's mostly driven by my own insecurities of wanting to belong instead of just being comfortable with who I am as a person.
I am tired of trying to mold myself to fit others' lives. I belong where I belong, and I shouldn't have to try to fit into a circle or a triangle if I'm clearly a square. And that's OK. We are not all meant to be friends, we don't all have to like each other. I am happy with who I have in my life, and if someone comes along who fits in with that - terrific, but I flat out refuse to try to reshape myself just to be liked by someone who clearly doesn't have a space for a square.
Week 5 of Jenny Craig down, weigh in tomorrow... I'm learning a lot more about my eating habits, I'm learning even more about how I deal with my feelings, and the therapy is really helping a lot with my eating disorder. Can't wait to see what 2012 brings!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
...and last night's weigh in showed a 1.6 pound loss instead of the 5 that I had seen just two days earlier.
I know, y'all are going to tell me that 1.6 pounds is awesome for a week, but I messed up. Not an epic fail, but still... I have learned. The scale is going to the garage and if the hubby wants to weigh himself he is more than welcome to go down there to use it. I'm not going to pay any mind to that piece of glass and metal.
Aside from that minor slip this weekend, I am really following the program. And it's working. I just completed week 4 and am down 11 pounds even. Yep! That's pretty frickin awesome, a little bit less than 3 pounds a week. I'll take it. I'm looking forward to my clothes fitting looser and being able to wear some of my "old" clothes. I miss my stuff! I have 4 large bins full of size 14s that I can't wait to put on again (I'm in my 16s right now... snug but not unattractively so).
My attitude is still relatively positive, although the evil bitch did sneak back into my psyche this week. I'm exhausted. Emotionally, physically, and just overall tired. Not sleeping well because I'm preoccupied with the office move (yeah... great timing... it's not like the holidays are a burden to anyone or anything) but I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. The big move takes place the week between Christmas and New Year's. I just hope that light isn't an oncoming train.
Tomorrow, I get my Christmas present to myself. I ordered a BodyMedia device to track myself a little bit more than I already am. I am totally geeked out to get the biometric feedback and see where I can make some changes to keep this weight coming off. I will post my opinions on it as soon as I start using it - I ordered the Bluetooth device so I don't even have to take it off to upload! No excuses!!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
I stood up for myself and called my doctor who put me back on a low dose of antidepressants and I found a great therapist who was strongly recommended by one of my best friends on the planet (I pretty much owe her my life right now, since I was in that vortex of doom). The therapist diagnosed me with severe pmdd (hi, hormones... You are what was making me so incredibly over the top bitchtastic), and I have post traumatic stress disorder, which was predominantly triggered by the great fire of 2008.
After several months of therapy and the antidepressant getting the pmdd under control, I feel like me again. I want to be better, emotionally and physically. Two weeks ago, I decided to take the physical and start to get my body healthy again since my mind is getting healthier (might as well have the total package, right?). I joined Jenny. Now, I know a lot of you feel very strongly against prepackaged foods, but given my history with binge eating, I knew is was the only reasonable solution for me right now. I still feel too weak to go to the grocery store and be trusted to purchase healthy meals and prepare single servings for myself. It's so much easier to have a pint of ice cream than to cook!!
Two weeks into the new eating plan, I am down 7.2 pounds. Not bad, but I have a long way to go. And I am looking forward to it, because I am already feeling like the old me is starting to come back and I miss her.
Optimism... A new feeling but I like it. I am tired if worrying about the shoe to drop when things seem to be going well.
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Wednesday, August 10, 2011
2 weeks ago, i was all gung-ho about my coworkers organizing a group walk during lunchtime. the group kind of started because i was talking about how gym memberships are so expensive and i can't (read: won't) go early in the morning because of the husband's schedule.
so... i've walked with them several times over the past week or so. and i am humiliated. i can't keep up, i am sweating profusely, and i just mapped out one of our routes and it's only 1.5 miles. i used to be able to walk 10 miles effortlessly. i feel so pathetic.
i am so sad. i want to cry.
i don't recognize myself any more. i feel hollow inside. i feel no joy about anything. sure, i can pretend that things are awesome because i don't want to be Debbie Downer, but inside... i am a mess. i burst into tears for no reason (and it's ALWAYS on the day i don't wear my waterproof mascara...FML), and have been called out on my angry outbursts.
i don't like who i have become. i have let myself go so far, and i hate it. i am ashamed of myself, and i am unhappy. and this stupid 1.44 mile walk at lunch? just reminds me that i have completely lost myself.
what do i do?
Monday, August 1, 2011
i am down 1.3 this week. SCORE! *fist pump*
who knew that just being honest and documenting everything i have consumed would help? regardless if i went over my daily points allowance or not. i. still. lost.
tracking - it works. so simple, but so challenging because it requires total honesty, which is something i am terrified of because i am afraid of being judged. but that is exactly what i need - judgment.
now, this week the meeting topic is snacking. people were talking about what they eat for snacks, but the leader was really trying to steer away from TREATS and focus on healthy snacks. which to me equals mini-meals. unfortunately, the group didn't grasp that concept and one woman said she eats VitaTops (muffin tops) for a snack. lo and behold, i saw one of the group members at Hannaford after the meeting with every. single. kind. of. vita top. she will be very disappointed because: 1. they are not real food, and b. sawdust has a more enticing texture.
another woman said, "oh, i have yogurt pie all the time. it's just like ice cream." no. no it's not. if i want ice cream, i am going to have ice cream because if i don't, i will obsess over it and when i have the real deal will binge on it because the fake food didn't satisfy. i don't understand why people don't understand this simple concept.
some day... some day... i will teach people what i have learned and hopefully they will actually listen to me. ibecause when i try to tell them now, all they see is overweight me and will not learn from my mistakes. i don't look like a role model, but that will change. just wait.
sigh. at least i'm learning.
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Thursday, July 28, 2011
1/4 c. raisins - 3
1 c. kashi honey puffs cereal - 3
1 c. fat free milk - 2
5 c. greek salad without dressing - 5
pita bread (white) - 4
1 oz. dark chocolate - 4
trader joe's reduced guilt mac & cheese - 7
1 c. trader joe's blueberry pomegranate sherbet - 6
2 slices whole wheat bread - 2
3 ounces turkey breast - 2
1 WW Lemon snack bar thingy - 2
APs: 5 (walked 45 minutes)
Monday, July 25, 2011
2. dress that is too tight, that you hear rip when stepping into car, especially if you are not wearing underwear.
yup. these two fashion faux pas were witnessed by me yesterday. i only got pictures of one offender, which will be posted later once i figure out how to put a black bar across the poor soul ala Glamour's Do/Don't column.
am i becoming a snob now that i work in the fashion industry? maybe. but i am also learning a lot about appropriate attire and i feel a lot more confident when i step out of my apartment, even if it's just to run to the market for a carton of milk. i am constantly aware of how i look, and i want people to see that i care. because if i care today, maybe someone who didn't care about themselves today will care tomorrow.
make the world a beautiful place, one fashion victim at a time. that is all.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
the cruise is over. i came home and immediately weighed myself and was down 4 pounds. and this morning when i scale hopped, it showed i was UP 4 pounds. that's an 8 pound swing. what the frick?!?!?!?! i don't want to go to my WW meeting tonight, i don't want to even give a shit about my weight at this point because it looks like when i'm having fun and not thinking about anything - i am losing. when i am focused and following my healthy guidelines, i GAIN. it doesn't make sense to me at all. i've gotten to the point of a chronic case of the fuckits due to attacks of frustration. i mean, what can i do? i'm back on the metformin again, because i have been having ovulation issues again, and that always messes with my body somewhat. so far, i don't feel any ill effects so that's always a good thing, but it also means that i'm not impacting the way my body metabolizes carbohydrates (simple or complex). i've all but eliminated simple carbs from my diet with a few exceptions and it doesn't make a friggin fraggin difference.
i hate the scale. i may have to file for divorce from it. we cannot live together like this any more. i'm not getting from it what i want, and it just sits there mocking me. bastard.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
on Thursday, the instant we realized we were back online with our phones, email, and Facebook, everyone's faces were immediately buried checking in on our real lives. epic MISTAKE for me. i had an email that provided me with some rather unexpected news about work. i thought i was punched in the stomach, all the wind left my body and i was stunned. STUNNED. immediately, i texted two of my friends that work for the same company, and breathed into a metaphorical paper bag. then i looked down to the bar area below...
this guy was wearing a shirt that simply read: "Breathe in, Breathe out, Move ON." perfect. i did my best to follow the advice. sometimes, you get inspired in the most random places. for me, it was on a drunk guy at a bar. who knew? so, why did i read my emails? it totally changed the tone of my vacation and i was miserable for the rest of the trip. dinner that night was nice, we were serenaded by the waitstaff singing and dancing to "O Sole Mio." lots of pictures were taken, including a very unflatting one of me. thank you, i will be going to my WW meeting tomorrow night. message received. i am OK with how i look when i stand in front of the mirror but it is becoming more and more obvious as i see pictures of me that i am unhealthy. le sigh. denial is over, time to get my shit together.
the trolls never said a word to me the entire trip. i was happy enough to defriend most of them from my Facebook page when i got back from my online hiatus. it's very clear to me that i don't have a lot in common with them in real life, and the only common denominator was we pay for Weight Watchers. i am not going to "collect" friends on my page any more, it's not a popularity contest. Facebook is a tool to maintain contact with the people that i don't see every day (but want to!) and share stuff with people in my life who want to be in my life. it's nothing personal against those people who were defriended and while i hope i didn't hurt anyone's feelings, i just don't see the point in forcing a friendship if there really is nothing there.
so... here i am. back in reality. the cruise, it was OK. i wouldn't say it was spectacular because it wasn't because i was worried about so many things that were going on at home at the same time. it was great to be away, to hang with my friends, to relax and not give a rat's ass about reality for a while, but i'm glad to be home. when the hubs picked me up at the shuttle terminal, he was standing there holding a sign with my name as if he were a hired limo driver. so stinking cute. then i came home to some gorgeous star lillies (my bridal bouquet flower) for our anniversary. he is the most special person on the planet, and while i don't see eye to eye with his friends (apparently, i'm a bitch? who knew...) all that matters is him. he IS my best friend, and he loves me no matter what i say. what can i say? i found my prince charming while working at the douche factory (yep... that's what they made at my old job... true story!).
Monday, June 27, 2011
Hey, epiphany. Nice to see you. I realized last night that no matter what, people are going to be miserable if that is how they choose see things. I have approached this vacation as an escape, to figure some things out about me and the direction I want to head in life, mainly my career. What gives me joy? Pleasing people clearly is not a strong point, nor is tolerating drama. I need to do something that is more solitary, less revolving around people.
The group of trolls, as I am now fondly referring to them, have some serious issues and they are making their own vacations miserable as a result of their negativity. I don't care. That is their issue, I have chosen not to let it affect mine.
I am sitting on the pool deck this afternoon, enjoying some sunshine, having some light and airy conversation with one of the best friends I could ever want, and it's perfect. MY perfect. Someone else may think this is boring, sitting and writing, but this gives me joy. I laugh at myself, I watch and observe what goes on around me, and people are having fun doing their own thing. It's beautiful, really.
Last night, one of the girls and I went up to the upper deck and stared at the stars and talked with a few of our other cruisers until the rain started. Like no other rain I've ever felt, I thought it was like a warm bath. But we all ran for cover and eventually split up. Two of us headed to the bar, where I continued to enjoy the shiraz and conversation. Music was very 80s, and these older women were dancing their asses off. Wayne the bartender was laughing at our looks of horror watching the debacle of the dance in front of us. He told us of a club on another floor and called his bartender friend to take care of us.
I ended up shitty faced. I probably drank the equivalent of 1-1/2 bottles by myself. I decided I want to stay up one night and just have unabandoned fun with whoever cares to join me.
Stay tuned!! Two more days!!
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Sunday, June 26, 2011
Last night, we were very lucky to have our entire table full of friends. The other two table groupings pretty much sat in stone cold silence. I watched them for a while, feeling bad for two girls in particular who had that "help me" look on their faces, but there was nothing I could do for them. I seriously doubt anyone would do anything to try to save me from a similar fate.
The fairy godmother who put me at the fun table deserves a Nobel peace prize for that accomplishment. If I got to sit with the ramrods (named as such for their extremely stiff posture while looking down on me), I would have had to catch the first flight out of the Bahamas to get me the frig away from them. Yes, they are that horrible. Excuse me, but I have never pretended to be something I wasn't. If they don't like or appreciate my brutal honesty, that's their disconnect.
Right now I am sitting on the deck with two of the coolest girls ever, and listening to their animated chatter. Do I really have to go back? I am kind of dreading the return to real life next week. Not because of anyone specifically, just not looking forward to getting back to the grind of two jobs, the stress, and aggravation of my real life. Here, I am fun, relaxed, and don't have to be anywhere at any time. Ahhhhh.
To quote Samuel, our waiter, life is good. At least it is here, today.
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Sunday, June 19, 2011
This week has been horrible. Lots of emotions, thoughts, insights, and soul searching.
I'm struggling to understand how or why bad things happen to the most amazing, kind, caring people on the planet. Three of my friends have miscarried over the past month and I have no idea why. I was absolutely heartbroken when I found out about each of them (2 occurred this week), and collapsed in grief on Thursday as a result. Is it selfish to be so sad for them? Maybe, but I would actually cut off my right arm for any of them to take away the pain - physical and emotional - that these women are feeling.
I just don't get it. It's not fair.
So, here I sit, at Logan airport. Watching all these people coming and going to their destinations and I wonder if they have ever felt guilty about going away on vacation when people they love are hurting? I feel like a horrible person leaving to have fun, but I know that there is nothing I can say or undo what has happened. Yet I feel guilty. Several of the friends I am going to see are friends with one of the women who lost her baby this week. I'm sure we will all be happy to see each other, but she will be weighing heavily in our hearts all the same.
Sorry to be so deep and introspective. Now I will get to the funny shit.
There are several people coming on this trip that make me wonder if they have ever been on a fucking vacation before. Questions of what to buy, where to buy it, what to wear, what to pack, how much money to bring, will they provide towels, where the electrical outlets will be in the room, will it be hot in florida...the list keeps building. I cannot make is shit up. I am pretty sure someone will be thrown overboard by this trips end. It may be me for being bitchy and intolerant. So be it. I am prepared for it, if it will spare me from the mind numbing idiocy.
These are friggin grown ass women! I am absolutely stunned that they are that unsavvy that they cannot do some googling themselves to answer the most banal questions. Cmon people. Use the gray matter in your cranium.
It's going to be interesting. That's for damn sure. I will keep you all posted!
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Thursday, April 14, 2011
last night's WW theme was making time for yourself - which is what reminded me that i needed to update this. because while i am talking to you, i am doing this for me as well. it really does help to look back at my writing and see how i was feeling at a given time and understand it. so... this morning, i put fingers to keyboard and am journaling again. last night's weigh in: down 1.8 - i was very pleased with this number, given that i had weighed in last week in the morning and it was only 5 days earlier. i am curious what that number would have been if i waited the full week, and went in the morning, but then i wouldn't get to go to my favorite leader's meeting. i'll take the loss, thankyouverymuch. last week, i did gain (period) but i expected it given that i felt like the entire Atlantic Ocean was being stored in my boobs. damn water retention. so, my net loss in 11 weeks is 3 pounds. not horrible. i am actually exactly the same weight i was last June when i went to my friend's wedding in Atlanta.
root canal is healing nicely - i was finally able to chew on that side of my mouth last weekend. i am coronated on April 26th. you can still call me Kristin, but in my mind i will be "queen" for a day. so, this week, the husband is in Florida for a mini-vacation by himself. he has to schedule his vacations a year in advance due to where he works, and i couldn't afford to take this week off from my job. i've been on my own all week, and it SUCKS. i don't think about these things when i have to travel for work, but being home alone with just the cat to torture me really blows chunks. the first night was OK, because i was exhausted from getting up at 3:30 AM to drive him to the airport. last night, i went to my WW meeting, and then came home and caught up on the DVR. i still haven't done any housework that i needed to do before he got back. the laundry bomb went off and the house looks like a disaster area from a dryer explosion. maybe tonight.
i am going for a tattoo consultation TOMORROW. yes, you read correctly. i am actually doing it. lotus flower, right shoulder, for me to remind me that what cannot kill me makes me stronger (yes, i'm talking to you, asscancer). the next one will be on my left shoulder, and will be for him. i am scared and excited.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Time to get serious. Oh, wait. Already getting there.
I have a few friends who struggle the same way I do, but until I open my mouth and talk about it (or, in this case, write about it), I have no idea that I'm normal. I always think my problems are so unique and special. They're not. A lot of us have the same insecurities and ways of dealing with things. I choose to eat or shop. I don't get many compliments these days, so buying pretty shiny new things is my way of getting some sort of positive attention. I know this. If I'm not getting the positive attention, I think I suck. And when I think I suck, like this past week where I had a glut of epic failures at work, I ate peeps to numb those negative feelings. Peeps are delicious, but they do not have magic powers to fix my problems. Yet, I turn to them every flipping time.
Anyway... The results of my appointment were posted today online. I have hpv. And my husband, when I told him, started bawling. I thought he was kidding, and I was laughing hysterically. He started projectile tears, and I knew he was serious. He thinks he gave me this horrible thing, but in truth, I may have given it to him. I had my first hpv test about 4 years ago, and it was negative. This one came back positive. What does this mean? Right now? Not a heck of a lot. I have to go back to the gyno in 6 months for a followup, and then who knows? So... I now get to worry about both ass and cooch cancer. How lucky am I? Eh... I'm okay with it. I'm not stressed or upset over either, but the husband? He's devastated. Not sure why, because in both cases, we will keep an eye on it and do what we can to keep it from going anywhere. I'm lucky because both types of cancer are very treatable when detected in the early stages, and I actually feel pretty lucky about that.
It's all about perspective. And right now, mine is pretty good, all things considered.
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Friday, April 1, 2011
Nuf said. It sucked big hairy monkey balls. No, I don't want to hurt the monkey's feelings... It was worse than that. It was like spending a weekend with my mother in law without the luxury of the safety word to get me out of there. It was like the worst torture ever. Water boarding? Fuck that. Give a terrorist a root canal. They'll tell you everything you need to hear once the lockjaw wears off.
When I say my mouth was pried in the open position for 90 plus minutes, I kid you not. I got in there at 11:30, and finally was allowed to close up shop at 1:20. What the deuce? At least the Novocain was still working, but I thought I could play rocky Dennis in the new "mask" movie opposite Cher. I felt deformed, I felt like I was handicapped from the face left. Nobody told me I was going to be starting a training program for future porn stars of america.
It was that bad. Next time, dear dentist, yank the fucker. I don't care if I look like the old man on "family guy." I'm going toothless. Gerber, I'll be your adult spokesperson.
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Thursday, March 31, 2011
I constantly complain about not liking how I look, but when an acquaintance asks me specifically what I don't like, I had no answer. It got me thinking... When you look at yourself objectively, not the "I feel fat" kind of way, but honestly just standing there looking at yourself as if you are talking to that person... Can you honestly say something negative about that person to her? I'm going to say no. You would never say something negative about a person's appearance to their face, so what makes it okay to say it inside your head? Saying it out loud to this man made me step back and realize how foolish I am for all this negative self talk.
I have a pleasant face, I like to laugh, and I love to make people laugh. Who cares if I have a zit on my chin, or a stray goat hair sprouting up where there shouldn't be? I am who I am, and I actually think I like her.
Now.... I had my annual physical this morning and she asked if I had considered losing weight to help improve my chances of delaying the onset of colon cancer. I told her that I was going to weight watchers, and she was happy for me! Every time I tell someone that I'm following weight watchers, I get a positive reaction. Why was I so ashamed of admitting this before? Hiding the fact that I am trying to take care of the only body I've got? I mean, it's plainly obvious that I am overweight and need to lose some mass, so by telling people I am taking care of myself is cause for celebration!! And you should celebrate yourself today, too!!
I am totally contradicting my bitchtacular rep today, but I really feel positive and amazing today.
Peace out, loves.
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Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Now I do not condone only eating apples and breath mints on weigh in day, and I also do not think I should step on the scale at home any more. Yes, Kristin, I'm talking to me. I keep playing these mind games with myself and it's more destructive than anything I could physically do to myself because the psychological bullshit I hand myself really starts to build up and causes this emotional implosion. Not cool. Not cool at all.
So... Here I sit in my meeting typing this, waiting for my inspiration to carry with me for the week instead of the desperation I give to myself. I tried two of the e-mealz recipes and it was very easy to stay on program when I prepare healthy and delicious meals for myself. It's one way to treat myself without costing me any weight or extra money.
While I was sitting at my meeting, I got a text message from one of my amazing friends in reference to my post about being so self-conscious about working out in front of people. She made an excellent point: this isn't about them. It's all about me, so I need to get over worrying what people think. True dat!!
I am so lucky to have such incredible, supportive friends who tell me what I need to hear. *smooches*
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Friday, March 25, 2011
I have GOT to move this ass. I haven't done anything remotely exercise related since my husband dragged me to the gym a month ago (well, i drove, but he forced me to go!). i got sick, and my momentum petered out. I hate, let me rephrase that. i HATE Planet Fitness. i feel like it's a meat market. let me rephrase THAT. MEET market. even though their slogan says "we're a judgment free zone," they totally are. c'mon. the girls who have the nice asses are prancing around in their tight little pants and short shirts, draping themselves on the equipment (and not breaking a sweat for fear their mascara might run), and the boys totally eat it up. i'm judging them (yes, i admit that... i am Mrs. Judgy McJudgerson), and they are judging me.
there's old and obese me... toiling away on a dreadmill and watching this take place. at 10:00 at night, even. kids, kids, kids! i feel so freaking self conscious, i don't go. i know i stick out like a sore thumb. i feel gigantic. i know i'm not, i'm "only" a size 16, but i am bigger than i have been in 5 years so i am feeling rather large at the moment.
so, what's a girl with a huge amount of insecurity to do? i am afraid to go to the fitness center at my apartment complex, it's rather small and the people who go there are usually hardcore and are sprinting on the dreadmills. i am afraid to walk the neighborhood because of coyotes. i have every excuse in the book as to why not. i have considered buying something so i can do my cardio at home in front of the TV while i catch up on "Nurse Jackie," but am i really going to commit to it? plus... do i REALLY want to walk that gigantic thing up three flights of stairs and then have it cluttering up my zen living space? not really.
so, dear diary: i need to work out. i know this. i just don't know how to get over the mental part of it. that's my biggest block on everything in this journey: my brain. i need to reprogram it. is it the red pill, or the blue pill? the blue pills are fun because you get s-e-x... oh, not that blue pill? damn it. oh, right... focus. i've been OK today food-wise. had lunch with the hubs, we both got grilled tilapia and the total point damage including a cappucino at Starbucks was 11 points. not bad, considering that's not even 1/3 of my daily allowance. tonight, i am going to the supermarket and buying the items from the eMealz grocery list so i can prepare things in advance.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I told a few friends today that I blog. They asked me what I wrote about and I said, without even thinking "oh, it's about how I hate being fat." Awk. Ward. I guess because I have so much self loathing, it makes people uncomfortable but I am so used to the negative self dialogue that I think nothing of saying things like that out loud. I guess I need to stop that.
Still struggling with my addictive/binge behavior - went to the supermarket and bought apples, milk, sf/ff pudding, coffee creamer, reduced fat peanut butter (the hubby's request), and ff cool whip. Healthy snacks - genius! I am determined to stop this binge cycle and not look back. No more peeps.
A friend of mine suggested emealz.com - I guess they give you menu ideas and the related shopping lists. I am going to check it out tonight after I play taxicab and pick up hubby from work. Yet another annoyance in my life I have little control over. Poop.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I had my epiphanous moment the other night, yet the past two days all I've wanted to do is eat my weight in peeps! There is something seriously wrong with me. I'm exhausted, presumably due to coming down from my peep high but man. This is really messed up.
I even shared my weight - my real weight -with my friend because I thought that by telling somebody it would shame me into sticking to this. It didn't work. I had basically starved my way home last night, ate meringue cookies, peeps, cottage cheese AND challah bread for dinner. What the fuck? I was so hungry, I was all about the instant gratification. I didn't even think about the scale, all I wanted to do was stop feeling like there was a hole in my stomach from being so hungry.
What am I so afraid of? I used to be so happy. I liked doing things. I enjoyed hanging with my friends. Sex was amazing because I enjoyed my body as much as his. Now.... It's all about self loathing and destructive thinking. I need help. I need someone to smack me.
Tonight, I had more meringues, 5 peeps, a bowl of progresso light clam chowder, 15 fat free saltines, and a roll. Carbaholics anonymous? You have a new candidate. Help me. Somebody. Before I od on peeps.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
last night, i think it clicked. my friend and partner in crime on this WW experience hit her 10% last night and i was OVERJOYED. i actually burst into tears of joy when she got her keychain. i remember that glow when i got MY keychain (which has since broken, been thrown away, and the memory of receiving it was stored in the dark recesses of my brain). seeing her proudly accept her token... i wanted it again. like REALLY wanted it. this isn't about looking hot for my husband. he's been with me thick or thin - 70 pounds less, and now. he loves me and still wants to see me naked no matter how lumpy and bumpy i feel.
to put this journey into perspective, here's the summary of my progress:
week 1: -3.0 - net -3.0
week 2: maintain - net -3.0
week 3: +2.0 - net -1.0
week 4: -0.4 - net -1.4
week 5: +1.8 - net +0.4
week 6: -1.0 - net -0.6
week 7: +2.4 - net +1.8
week 8: -2.8 - net -1.0
net loss: ONE POUND. look at that - down, up, down, up, down, up. i'm a freakin YO YO!!
it's high time to stop screwing around and focus the shit out of this!! i have recently found myself saying "it's not worth it" when faced with some not-so-healthy choices, like cornbread or a latte (i know i'm broken when i turn down Starbucks, but that's another addiction story entirely - did you know we're twins? born the same day, same year and everything).
mojo? welcome back, old friend. i've missed you. now... ONWARD AND FORWARD (and, down for a change). i know i need to start exercising again, but i am so flippin self-conscious when i go to the gym or use the fitness center at our apartment complex. i am going to try and do a workout tonight on either Comcast onDemand, or on my Wii. cross my fingers - i want to earn at least 3 activity points a day to start. baby steps. but not too baby, because at the rate i'm losing, i will be at goal before my 65th birthday, and that is just not going to work out for my plan. i want to be a freaking HOT 40 year old on September 30th.
Friday, March 11, 2011
and of course, i had to find something for me. i lost my beloved eye makeup brushes this week, a very sad day when i realized that i lost not 1, not 2, but 8 brushes at the same time! Sephora no longer offers the brush kit that i was looking for, so i decided to look at other brands to see what they had to offer when i came across the tarte Jewels of the Amazon clay liner trio. Three colors, a matte black, a bronzy brown, and a deep green, each in their own cute little pot. oh, and a dual-ended brush! sweet!! the liners are very soft, and you just apply a little bit to the brush and then follow the lash line. easy peasey.
today, i tried the green with the thicker end of the liner brush for a softer edge. usually, i am all about the harsh lined cat eye, but today was shitty out with rain and fog and i decided not to look my usual bitchtastic self and go for a nice June Cleaver-ish look today. complete with a Lillith Sternin Crane bun (with a blingy barrette to pull back the grown-out bangs).
i am a little bit frustrated with the closed-eye shot, because you can definitely see some issues. not sure if it was the eye primer that i used this morning (Mally), the fact that i am totally hormonal and have the oily skin of a teenage fryolator employee from McDonald's, or if it's the eyeshadow i used (also Mally). usually, i use the Bare Escentuals eye primer, and that makes every different type of eye shadow stay put without the creases.
overall, however, tarte has definitely scored with this product. it was easy to apply, the color makes my eyes look rather pretty, and for $39, i basically paid $13 for each liner plus a free brush! Sephora, you know how much i love you. and this is why. you give me so many options to beautify myself!! ♥
oh, and the whole reason i went to the store was for my friend's gift. i ended up with the Flawless Definition mascara from Bare Escentuals in black, and a cute little "minimergency" kit for life's little emergencies, like bad breath, broken nail, cramps, boo boos, any emergency you can imagine is covered in this kit. LOVE. and it comes in a really cute little gold case.
i'd say, overall, it was a very productive visit to my friends at Sephora. yay!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
yesterday, i was having a really bad day. like, bad of epic proportions. i did not want to go to WW. i had stepped on the scale on Sunday and it hadn't moved since last week, and after the trying experience of none of my clothes fitting in the closet... let's just say i had a bad feeling that if i heard "you're up" this time that it would start a downward spiral that i wasn't confident i could recover from.
after reaching out on Facebook (sometimes, i can overshare but 99% of my friends on Facebook are from WW), i got a lot of response including from my meeting leader. she reached out to me via private message and reassured me. she told me to focus on the positive, and forget about the negative things - like gaining 80 pounds in less than four years' time. i have been OBSESSED about that lately - i feel like such a failure for letting myself go so far down the path. i am so close (actually, probably over it) my all-time high weight. i am disgusted. i am disappointed. i am defeated.
after much soul-searching, and a lot of encouragement from some totally awesome friends (Jan, Nancy, Jen, and Tara), i sucked it up and i went with my friend Colleen. we had committed to each other that we would force each other to go even when things got tough - and i felt like if i didn't go, i was letting her down.
i stood on the scale, after taking off my cardigan, earrings, and any other weight-bearing items and waited. with my breath held. really... i started turning blue and almost passed out. after what seemed like an eternity, the scale lady said, "one pound." i looked at her, and asked "up or down?" she laughed and said "DOWN, silly." i didn't believe her! my friend cheered. actually CHEERED in the weigh-in area. i felt like a hundred pounds was immediately lifted from my shoulders.
i have to learn how to listen to others, and stop listening to the evil demon in my mind that tells me i'm a failure. i have to learn to NOT let the scale dictate my emotions, or how i feel about myself. and most importantly, i have to embrace this as an experience, not a freaking torture.
another lesson learned: do not ever try on clothes when you have PMS. it will not end well. you just have to trust me on this.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
i thought i was doing OK on WW this week, but today i seem to have derailed slightly. i don't know what it is... i seem to do great and then my mind plays these games on me and i just revert back to my old habits. am i afraid of changing? i know i didn't like the attention i got before, when i was thinner and healthier, but honestly - if i am going to live more than 41 years on Earth, i gotta start taking better care of this chassis. i'll work out tomorrow and try to burn some of those extra points that i had tonight (i was 3 over my DPAs).
i look at myself naked and i feel hatred towards myself for getting this far out of control. and i am insanely jealous of my better looking friends and family. i actually almost got into an argument today with a friend of mine when i was showing her a picture of my (gorgeous!) cousin and her new baby. i said "i hate to admit this, but all of my relatives are this good looking." my friend said, "and you're no different," to which i replied, "naw... i'm average at best." i thought she was going to hit me. i really don't think i'm anything fabulous - i was never told i was when i was younger, and all the beautiful people were pointed out to me with the remark, "why can't you be more like that, Kristin?" gee, i dunno. maybe genetics had something to do with it? i was never good enough, never pretty enough, never smart enough and i have always compared myself to those people and wished i had what they did. i've known this for a long time, but you know what? it doesn't matter because i have a husband who seems to love me no matter what.
and that's a tough thing to accept. does he REALLY love me? how do i know he doesn't have a "thing" for somebody else? i've never had a boyfriend faithful to me, and i guess i expect that from my husband as well. i know the way those other guys were has NOTHING to do with him, but i can't help but carry that fear, doubt, and insecurity into this relationship. sigh... what to do, what to do... i can't win.
so, that's my insight on myself for the day... i got no cute anecdotes, nothing funny to talk about... just a lot of inner dialogue.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
yesterday, i decided that since i had diet coke for lunch (and nothing else, she admits sheepishly) that i would go to my meeting. i went home and changed clothes, and stepped on the scale. YELP! it showed 2 pounds up. but, i had told my meeting leader (who ROCKS, by the way) that i would go. i think i'm becoming one of her groupies because i followed her to another WW center last night. in the twentysomethingyears that i have been going to WW (not consecutively, thank you... i'm not THAT old), she is by far the most interesting and honest leaders i have known. and, we are becoming friends which is cool too. i guess i'm funny?
anyway... not to ramble, but to ramble... i LOST. 0.4 - and i was SHOCKED. i didn't deserve to lose, because i was really, really, really bad. but the topic was about measuring your portions and i was lit on fire. i actually measured out my egg beaters last night for my omelet (after talking myself out of going to Wendy's and getting a crispy chicken sandwich with fries - what? i had 29 points left for the day...). i feel like this week i am stronger, and more focused. i am not obsessing, i am not angry that i "can't have" something, but i am annoyed with stupidity.
story #1: my friend went to "our" meeting on Monday night, and one of the members had a "bad" week and actually had the audacity to stand up and ask the following question:
"i didn't lose this week. i ate a lot more vegetables than i usually do - do you think it's because of all the broccoli and carrots that i had that i didn't lose?" really? really?!?!? the way i remember, i didn't grow this gigantic ass by eating broccoli, carrots, cauliflower, or anything that grows on a tree unless it was covered with cheese, chocolate, or something equally gooey and delicious. i have no idea how the leader kept a straight face, but she said "nobody got here by eating too many carrots." touche.
story #2: this dude, who we call "propeller head," for announcing last week that he drank more than a gallon of Propel a day... and does. not. count. the. points. and eats ice cream every night. asked last night the following:
"if i steam my chicken, does it have the same points value as when i bake or broil it with nothin' on it?" really, dude? seriously? you have a piece of chicken, you don't add anything to it - it has the same values whether you eat it raw, steamed, broiled, boiled, or whatever as long as you don't add something to it. idiots. (PS, and i am gloating when i say this... Propeller head GAINED this week. Are you surprised? 'cause i'm not)
and this, my friends, is why i can never be a meeting leader. i have low tolerance for people who don't exercise common sense. and to me, that's common sense.
now... my question of the week was: "why do all the yogurt companies now offer 6 ounce cups instead of 8 ounces, including the WW brand, when 8 ounces is considered a full serving?" apparently, and this i did not know, that yogurt is no longer considered a dairy serving on the healthy guidelines because it is missing a lot of the nutrients and additives. which confuses me, because pudding, which is made with sugar and chocolately goodness, IS. oh well.
i'm still gonna eat my daily yogurt. it's better than eating a cookie, and has less points.
total weight loss since rejoining on January 24: 1.4 pounds - not great, but i'm making progress in my head, which is the biggest obstacle for me in this weight loss game.
Monday, February 21, 2011
i had an okay week, i guess. today i'm feeling kind of down, but it's not because of anything that happened, it's how i interpret some things. when a friend says "yeah, let's do this together," and then goes and does her own thing... it's not me, it's her. i feel disappointed. but whatever, she's not really a close friend so it shouldn't be a big deal but it's still bothering me. to the point where i want to shelve my plans for June altogether.
what's the haps in June? a cruise on Royal Caribbean with a bunch of girls from WW are getting together. the problem is, a bunch of them are royally annoying, and i don't think i can bear to spend an entire week with them. i have little or no patience for people who can't think for themselves, and it's already started with the "i only have four months before the cruise, what do i WEAR???!? it's an EMERGENCY!!" really? this is your drama? i can't wait to see what they are like in a real personal crisis. grumble, grumble. the one ray of light is that my friend from Minnesota is going, and is my roommate. i hope that she and i find some cool people to hang with and avoid the morons as much as we can. i'm almost 40 years old, i've gotten to the point where i have little or no patience for people who can't think for themselves. grrrrr...
today is a holiday, so i've been home all day. the hubs took my car today, so i'm on my own. i watched about 11 episodes of "Psych" and i'm still bored out of my mind. i can't go to the WW meeting tonight, partly because i'm buried in boxes of clothes that i'm sorting through to give to a WW friend who's shrunk down to as 12-14, and i have a surplus of clothes that currently don't fit. (and i'm in shock at how many clothes i actually have that still have tags on them!) enjoy them, amanda. you have three shopping bags full of stuff on their way to Chicago!!
i'm going to WW on Wednesday night instead - the meeting leader for tonight leads the meeting then, and i have grown to loathe most of the meeting leaders except for this one. she's pretty awesome, talks to us instead of down to us, and doesn't do silly antics to hold the audience's attention.
that's it. no outfit for today. peace out, bitch (talking to myself, again).
Friday, February 18, 2011
well, i took another picture of an outfit this week:
another outfit by Lane Bryant - scarf from Target a few years ago and i have NEVER worn it! i was feeling casual for a Thursday, and anticipated having to clean up in preparation for some big cheeses visiting our office. in looking at this picture, i cannot wait until i get it cut tomorrow!!
anyways... one of the blogs that i read, written by a friend i actually met a few years ago, is talking about having a binge eating disorder. i can totally relate, as i have had my own struggles with binges over the years. i was in recovery for about 12 months without a binge, and i let some things get in front of that. it's like an alcoholic taking his or her first drink after abstaining for so long - and i couldn't stop. i am still on this very destructive path, but i do not want to go back to the 12-step program that i was a part of before because it was interfering too much with my real life. i am really curious to read more about my friend's progress with this program/support group that she found.
anyway, i encourage you to read her blog - it is very inspiring to see her overcoming issues that a lot of us deal with, but few have courage to come forth to talk about it. the link to her blog is on the right - "Losing the Shadow."
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
while i was at the meeting, i asked THE QUESTION. the one that's been burning in me since the new PointsPlus program started back in December (well, for me it was December because it was the last meeting of the new week). how can i eat all those points while eating my (now) free fruits and veggies? simple answer: you don't have to eat all of your points, but do not ever go below the minimum of 29 points. i have been really struggling with that, since a large banana once upon a time was almost 3 points, and now is free. i think i now understand what i've been doing wrong.
once upon a time, i followed the Core program. i did very well by eating nothing but Core foods, but i also tracked my points to make sure i ate enough. and it worked for me. the new program, when i look at it differently, really is the Core program with its Power Foods (formerly known as Simply Filling, formerly known as Core) and you track the values.
♫ let the choir of angels sing ♫ because light has finally dawned on my marble head.
new week. today. and i am going to use my daily points as a MAXIMUM. i will use my extra points for those days when i want to have a glass of wine (or two, or a bottle - i kid, i kid).
that's all i got - just a major epiphany thanks to Tara the Leader, also known as my queen (she doesn't know that part, but oh well). here i go... to infinity and beyond (and hopefully get in the loss column next week)!!!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
second: after talking to a bunch of people about what happened with my stepson, a lot of emotions that i had been holding in about my own (lack of) relationship with my father seems to have driven how i reacted to the stepson's tirade of words to my husband. i understand he is pissed that he won't get an iPhone (really shouldn't be much of a surprise to him, given that he loses his phone more than normal people, racks up about 7,000 texts a month, and oh... our last name isn't TRUMP). BUT that doesn't mean that he has the right to lash out and use every single nasty thing that his mother has said to him about us. and to say that HE is more responsible than we are - when we haven't been evicted or foreclosed upon in our entire life, nor have we been fired for stealing, AND have jobs... it's clear that the boy's mind is manipulated by their thinking, and that everyone else is to blame for their problems. some day, hopefully, he will realize that personal accountability and responsibility really does make you a better person. demanding handouts from people because you feel entitled does NOT actually give you the right to get those things. oh well.
third: we are STILL waiting on the adjuster to come back and let us know what the status is of my husband's Jeep is. all signs point to a total loss, including the techs who work at the body shop, but it is still in the insurance company's hands. the impact was not at high-speed, but the entire driver's side of the vehicle is crushed in, the seats in both the front and back are ripped from the floor, windows shattered, and the frame is definitely at least bent if not destroyed. the car that hit my husband was a 1998 pick-up truck, and not a lightweight vehicle. i actually thought it was a Sherman tank, given the look of my husband's car, and the fact that they only lost their front bumper as a result of the impact. amazing that nobody was hurt - i actually think that Jeff's grandfather was watching over him that night (he's buried in a cemetery less than a mile from where the accident occurred).
so, that's what's going on in my neck of the woods... i am going to see a friend speak at a "Success Stories Live" event at Weight Watchers this afternoon. i can't wait to hear hers and others' stories! it will also keep me out of my kitchen for the afternoon, so i won't be tempted to lose control like i usually do when i see a gain and say "why bother?" and start the binge cycle. i have to stay FOCUSED on being healthy and eat the right things - i got the results of my biopsies on Friday afternoon and i am NO LONGER GROWING CANCER CELLS!! yahoo! that was the best news of the week!!! i feel very vulnerable, however, and am going to do EVERYTHING i can to eliminate the possibility of developing this again. yep, those nurses who gave me the intervention? message received, heard, acknowledged, and action plan engaged. *smooches*
Friday, February 11, 2011
This is my nightmare. I never wanted the kids to think that their father chose me over them, have done everything to be a friend to them and not try to be remotely parental, and did nothing but love this kid. Being a stepkid myself, I know how it feels for your parent to write you out of their life and it hurts me that he would even suggest that is what we did to him - we absolutely did not. i haven't seen or spoken to my father for any length of time since i was kicked out of my house at 17 years old because his wife didn't want an instant family (and made no bones about making that public knowledge to anyone she met).
I have no family, all I have is jeff. And his kids don't want me to be a part of it. I cried myself to sleep last night and don't want to even go to work today. I'm so hurt. And angry that jeff shared all of this with me, knowing how I would feel. i am also angry with jeff that he has let his son's mother walk all over him for the better part of 15 years and did NOTHING to fight for that kid.
I want to scream, I want to cry, but worst of all - I told my husband that I wanted to die. This scares me, I don't know what to do about thinking that way but it's a lot of pent up feelings about being rejected by my own family and now by his son. I really truly hate myself. I feel like I was to blame for my parents' divorce, I am to blame for my mother hating me, my father not wanting to be a part of my life, and now I came between my husband and his children without even knowing it, and I should have known better given my own experience as a stepchild. Fuck.
Sorry for the pity party... but this blog is about my life and how I deal with it. And don't worry, you don't have to call Samaritans for me... I'm not really suicidal - I was just having one of those George Bailey kind of moments where I felt like the world was better off without me. My angel Clarence, not his real name, gave me the right words this morning to make me feel better about things.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Today's outfit 100% brought to you by Lane Bryant (including my underthings).