Wednesday, August 10, 2011

where did i go?

sad and frustrated...

2 weeks ago, i was all gung-ho about my coworkers organizing a group walk during lunchtime. the group kind of started because i was talking about how gym memberships are so expensive and i can't (read: won't) go early in the morning because of the husband's schedule.

so... i've walked with them several times over the past week or so. and i am humiliated. i can't keep up, i am sweating profusely, and i just mapped out one of our routes and it's only 1.5 miles. i used to be able to walk 10 miles effortlessly. i feel so pathetic.

i am so sad. i want to cry.

i don't recognize myself any more. i feel hollow inside. i feel no joy about anything. sure, i can pretend that things are awesome because i don't want to be Debbie Downer, but inside... i am a mess. i burst into tears for no reason (and it's ALWAYS on the day i don't wear my waterproof mascara...FML), and have been called out on my angry outbursts.

i don't like who i have become. i have let myself go so far, and i hate it. i am ashamed of myself, and i am unhappy. and this stupid 1.44 mile walk at lunch? just reminds me that i have completely lost myself.

what do i do?

Monday, August 1, 2011

whaddya know? accountability works!

emailing my menu every day to my new support group...

i am down 1.3 this week. SCORE! *fist pump*

who knew that just being honest and documenting everything i have consumed would help? regardless if i went over my daily points allowance or not. i. still. lost.

tracking - it works. so simple, but so challenging because it requires total honesty, which is something i am terrified of because i am afraid of being judged. but that is exactly what i need - judgment.

now, this week the meeting topic is snacking. people were talking about what they eat for snacks, but the leader was really trying to steer away from TREATS and focus on healthy snacks. which to me equals mini-meals. unfortunately, the group didn't grasp that concept and one woman said she eats VitaTops (muffin tops) for a snack. lo and behold, i saw one of the group members at Hannaford after the meeting with every. single. kind. of. vita top. she will be very disappointed because: 1. they are not real food, and b. sawdust has a more enticing texture.

another woman said, "oh, i have yogurt pie all the time. it's just like ice cream." no. no it's not. if i want ice cream, i am going to have ice cream because if i don't, i will obsess over it and when i have the real deal will binge on it because the fake food didn't satisfy. i don't understand why people don't understand this simple concept.


some day... some day... i will teach people what i have learned and hopefully they will actually listen to me. ibecause when i try to tell them now, all they see is overweight me and will not learn from my mistakes. i don't look like a role model, but that will change. just wait.

sigh. at least i'm learning.

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