... and i am finally ready to admit that.
yesterday, i was having a really bad day. like, bad of epic proportions. i did not want to go to WW. i had stepped on the scale on Sunday and it hadn't moved since last week, and after the trying experience of none of my clothes fitting in the closet... let's just say i had a bad feeling that if i heard "you're up" this time that it would start a downward spiral that i wasn't confident i could recover from.
after reaching out on Facebook (sometimes, i can overshare but 99% of my friends on Facebook are from WW), i got a lot of response including from my meeting leader. she reached out to me via private message and reassured me. she told me to focus on the positive, and forget about the negative things - like gaining 80 pounds in less than four years' time. i have been OBSESSED about that lately - i feel like such a failure for letting myself go so far down the path. i am so close (actually, probably over it) my all-time high weight. i am disgusted. i am disappointed. i am defeated.
after much soul-searching, and a lot of encouragement from some totally awesome friends (Jan, Nancy, Jen, and Tara), i sucked it up and i went with my friend Colleen. we had committed to each other that we would force each other to go even when things got tough - and i felt like if i didn't go, i was letting her down.
i stood on the scale, after taking off my cardigan, earrings, and any other weight-bearing items and waited. with my breath held. really... i started turning blue and almost passed out. after what seemed like an eternity, the scale lady said, "one pound." i looked at her, and asked "up or down?" she laughed and said "DOWN, silly." i didn't believe her! my friend cheered. actually CHEERED in the weigh-in area. i felt like a hundred pounds was immediately lifted from my shoulders.
i have to learn how to listen to others, and stop listening to the evil demon in my mind that tells me i'm a failure. i have to learn to NOT let the scale dictate my emotions, or how i feel about myself. and most importantly, i have to embrace this as an experience, not a freaking torture.
another lesson learned: do not ever try on clothes when you have PMS. it will not end well. you just have to trust me on this.