Saturday, December 31, 2011

Parting is such sweet sorrow, 2011...

2011 brought a lot of changes in the world and in my own small life.

I'm still married, that's not going to change.

I'm still cancer-free, that is something I am grateful for and hopeful that I don't have to face that again any time soon.

I'm still working for the same company, although there were some major changes in management this year. I no longer work for the Devil Wears Prada, and I actually found myself looking forward to going to the office (until recently, but that's another story entirely).

I bid farewell to my 30s, and in essence my youth at the same time.

I said good-bye to some friends, and welcomed some new ones to my life.

I've said adios to some negativity, and developing a more positive outlook on life.

Bin Laden is dead. Kim Jong Il is dead. The recession was allegedly dead, but those rumors were greatly exaggerated. We said farewell to celebrities, pop icons, and politicians. We welcomed some new additions to our family through marriages and births, and bid adieu to some not-so-awesome family members through divorce.

2011 brought a lot of changes. Some good, some bad. Some were happy, some were sad. It is bittersweet to say farewell to a year where I turned 40 - in another decade I will be turning 30 and hopefully in convincing fashion.

All in all, I look to 2012 with hope. I am not setting huge expectations for 365 days, but welcome it with open arms and look forward to the surprises the coming year will bring. No resolution, just a promise to continue to grow as a person.

Monday, December 19, 2011

one broke girl

I hate that show "Two Broke Girls," really I do.

BUT... I know how it feels to be broke. The worst debt I have been in was about $25,000 at my absolute worst. When I was at my worst, I binge ate and binge shopped to run away from what was really going on in my life. It didn't work, because the problems were still there and I was creating new problems by gaining a shitload of weight and building a shitload of debt.

In June of this year, I was $20,000 in debt. I finally crashed and told my husband about my problem. It was embarassing, but more... I couldn't live that way any longer. I cried for what felt like hours, and the shame I felt made me realize that I needed to turn things around.

I spent $600 on airfare to get to Miami for that cruise, another $200 for the hotel, restaurant, and transportation, and then the cruise itself and a 10 bottle wine package (stupid, I know...). I almost cancelled the entire trip because I couldn't afford any of the other expenses, and I didn't want to have to fess up to anyone on the trip. So, I withdrew. I didn't do any spa treatments like I wanted to, I didn't buy anything extravagant, and I didn't do any excursions. Basically, I was boat-bound unless it involved no money.

When I checked out? I had a credit balance. I didn't end up using all of the bottles of wine, and the cruiseline credited me for the unused bottles. It was a small savings, but it made me feel like there was a light at the end of the financial tunnel. Flash forward 6 months, I have paid down close to $8,000 of that mounting debt, my car is paid off, and my husband and I are working on a plan to get rid of all of my debt within the next year.

I am compulsive. I have no control. I try to escape from my problems, and I often let it out in my writing. Sometimes, people take what I have to say personally, but this blog is about me and MY problems. I am not placing blame on anyone for the way I react to things, I am not trying to deflect responsibility for my own actions. I am a product of my own environment, and I was raised in a rather fucked up family that taught me some really fucked up views on life. Is this my parents' fault? Nope, not in the least. They made me who I am, and it made me stronger than I ever thought I could be.

Will everyone understand or respect what I have to say? No, most definitely. But I will always do what I can to maintain my integrity, and will never do or say anything to intentionally hurt someone. I am making a lot of changes in my life, and I am trying to simplify my life by cutting out a lot. People may not agree with what I have to say, but they should at least be respectful. My grandparents taught me that, and I plan to live the rest of my life that way. Life will be a lot more tolerable that way, for everyone.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

i know it's not just me...

Have you ever been friends with someone, only to discover that they really don't like you as much as you liked them? And you do whatever you can to act like it doesn't bother you, but inside it really makes you feel sad?

That would be me this weekend.

I have written about the cruise before, and while not everyone left with glowy feelings, I thought that the friends that I spent so much time with and I had bonded. Apparently, that is not true at all. It's been almost 6 months since that cruise, and I only regularly talk to one person from the trip. I occasionally check in with someone else, but on the whole... it wasn't what I had built up in my head as a memorable vacation where lifetime relationships were created. Instead, I think a pretty major rift was created.

I will admit, I may have been a tad harsh in my recap of the cruise, but I do not regret a word of it. There were a billion expectations brought on that cruise, more than the luggage that each person brought, and unfortunately it did not live up to any of those expectations.

Over the weekend, several of the cruisers that I had thought were my friends got together in NYC, and nobody thought to invite me. It made me profoundly sad. To the point that I blocked most of them from my newsfeed on FB, and even removed a few because I couldn't bear the thought of seeing them all having a fabulous time while I sat at home by myself because my husband had to work 18 hours yesterday.

I had invented these amazing friendships in my head, but in reality - they never existed. I am very disappointed in myself for allowing myself to feel so sad about something that wasn't real, but I'm more disappointed in myself for letting it bother me. That's growth, people. I would normally mope and eat my feelings away, but instead I am OK with feeling sad about it, I didn't binge, and I'm writing about the learning experience. I will never take another vacation like that again, I will only take trips with my true friends, not people who I was DYING to be friends with - you know, the "cool clique." As a teenager, I was socially awkward, and never found my circle of friends to hang with so I kind of wandered from circle to circle and never really felt like I belonged. As an adult, 20-something years later, I am still socially awkward, but it's mostly driven by my own insecurities of wanting to belong instead of just being comfortable with who I am as a person.

I am tired of trying to mold myself to fit others' lives. I belong where I belong, and I shouldn't have to try to fit into a circle or a triangle if I'm clearly a square. And that's OK. We are not all meant to be friends, we don't all have to like each other. I am happy with who I have in my life, and if someone comes along who fits in with that - terrific, but I flat out refuse to try to reshape myself just to be liked by someone who clearly doesn't have a space for a square.

Week 5 of Jenny Craig down, weigh in tomorrow... I'm learning a lot more about my eating habits, I'm learning even more about how I deal with my feelings, and the therapy is really helping a lot with my eating disorder. Can't wait to see what 2012 brings!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

let me count the ways...

I was doing so well the past week - I had a not-so-amicable separation between the scale and I, but on Saturday it called to me. And I stepped on... it showed a great loss... like 5 pounds worth and I thought, "Oh cool! I can EAT!!" and eat I did...

...and last night's weigh in showed a 1.6 pound loss instead of the 5 that I had seen just two days earlier.

I know, y'all are going to tell me that 1.6 pounds is awesome for a week, but I messed up. Not an epic fail, but still... I have learned. The scale is going to the garage and if the hubby wants to weigh himself he is more than welcome to go down there to use it. I'm not going to pay any mind to that piece of glass and metal.

Aside from that minor slip this weekend, I am really following the program. And it's working. I just completed week 4 and am down 11 pounds even. Yep! That's pretty frickin awesome, a little bit less than 3 pounds a week. I'll take it. I'm looking forward to my clothes fitting looser and being able to wear some of my "old" clothes. I miss my stuff! I have 4 large bins full of size 14s that I can't wait to put on again (I'm in my 16s right now... snug but not unattractively so).

My attitude is still relatively positive, although the evil bitch did sneak back into my psyche this week. I'm exhausted. Emotionally, physically, and just overall tired. Not sleeping well because I'm preoccupied with the office move (yeah... great timing... it's not like the holidays are a burden to anyone or anything) but I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. The big move takes place the week between Christmas and New Year's. I just hope that light isn't an oncoming train.

Tomorrow, I get my Christmas present to myself. I ordered a BodyMedia device to track myself a little bit more than I already am. I am totally geeked out to get the biometric feedback and see where I can make some changes to keep this weight coming off. I will post my opinions on it as soon as I start using it - I ordered the Bluetooth device so I don't even have to take it off to upload! No excuses!!