Friday, February 25, 2011

finally, it's FRIDAY!

i am so glad today is Friday. this has been the LONGEST week ever. why is it that the holiday weeks always seem to draaaaggggggg ass? nobody was in the office today, so that made it even less interesting than usual. even Prada took the day off.

i thought i was doing OK on WW this week, but today i seem to have derailed slightly. i don't know what it is... i seem to do great and then my mind plays these games on me and i just revert back to my old habits. am i afraid of changing? i know i didn't like the attention i got before, when i was thinner and healthier, but honestly - if i am going to live more than 41 years on Earth, i gotta start taking better care of this chassis. i'll work out tomorrow and try to burn some of those extra points that i had tonight (i was 3 over my DPAs).

i look at myself naked and i feel hatred towards myself for getting this far out of control. and i am insanely jealous of my better looking friends and family. i actually almost got into an argument today with a friend of mine when i was showing her a picture of my (gorgeous!) cousin and her new baby. i said "i hate to admit this, but all of my relatives are this good looking." my friend said, "and you're no different," to which i replied, "naw... i'm average at best." i thought she was going to hit me. i really don't think i'm anything fabulous - i was never told i was when i was younger, and all the beautiful people were pointed out to me with the remark, "why can't you be more like that, Kristin?" gee, i dunno. maybe genetics had something to do with it? i was never good enough, never pretty enough, never smart enough and i have always compared myself to those people and wished i had what they did. i've known this for a long time, but you know what? it doesn't matter because i have a husband who seems to love me no matter what.

and that's a tough thing to accept. does he REALLY love me? how do i know he doesn't have a "thing" for somebody else? i've never had a boyfriend faithful to me, and i guess i expect that from my husband as well. i know the way those other guys were has NOTHING to do with him, but i can't help but carry that fear, doubt, and insecurity into this relationship. sigh... what to do, what to do... i can't win.

so, that's my insight on myself for the day... i got no cute anecdotes, nothing funny to talk about... just a lot of inner dialogue.

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