Wednesday, August 10, 2011

where did i go?

sad and frustrated...

2 weeks ago, i was all gung-ho about my coworkers organizing a group walk during lunchtime. the group kind of started because i was talking about how gym memberships are so expensive and i can't (read: won't) go early in the morning because of the husband's schedule.

so... i've walked with them several times over the past week or so. and i am humiliated. i can't keep up, i am sweating profusely, and i just mapped out one of our routes and it's only 1.5 miles. i used to be able to walk 10 miles effortlessly. i feel so pathetic.

i am so sad. i want to cry.

i don't recognize myself any more. i feel hollow inside. i feel no joy about anything. sure, i can pretend that things are awesome because i don't want to be Debbie Downer, but inside... i am a mess. i burst into tears for no reason (and it's ALWAYS on the day i don't wear my waterproof mascara...FML), and have been called out on my angry outbursts.

i don't like who i have become. i have let myself go so far, and i hate it. i am ashamed of myself, and i am unhappy. and this stupid 1.44 mile walk at lunch? just reminds me that i have completely lost myself.

what do i do?

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