...your XL dresses from Tar-jay don't fit. ugh.
the past two weekends, i've been spending a lot of time cleaning out my closet and giving friends some of my smaller clothes that i will not likely be able to wear in the next few years, and donating the more worn clothes to the Salvation Army. i decided to try on a few things for shits and giggles while i was in the closet - i mean, how fun is it to go shopping in your own closet, right?
99% of the stuff doesn't fit!! size 14, 16... too tight. when did this happen? my weight has stayed the same (pretty much, in spite of that 1.8 pound gain last week at WW) so i dunno what to make of this. i'm disgusted with myself, and i don't want to let the husband see me nekkid but i have to do it because, well, he's my husband!! i've been miserable because i don't feel attractive, and afraid that he didn't find my attractive any more. he stares at me all the time, tells me how beautiful he thinks i am, but i honestly believe in my head and heart that he is only saying this to make me feel better. i've been a total bitchbag lately having this pity party for myself. it's a horrible way to live. but now i KNOW i need to lose weight because the problem is only getting WORSE.
i have been exhausted, can't get enough sleep, and am at the end of my rope. i have told my doctor before, and she added some granules thingy for my thyroid but it made my heart race so i stopped it. i bought a book last night at Barnes & Noble called "no more fatigue" by Jack Challem that looks promising. it starts with stress as being a major contributing factor for fatigue, which i honestly didn't think of as being a physical thing but apparently it is because it produces these nasty hormones. so... i am going to start following some of the advice and try to incorporate it into my day to day and see what happens. being so tired during the day, i actually eat carbs just to try and stay awake. it's lousy, and a vicious cycle.
that's it for now, i guess. i didn't take a picture this week, i am PMSing and feeling very aggressive and angry and honestly didn't want to torture myself with pictures. le sigh...
so i will leave you with this picture which has inspired my tattoo idea. my wedding bouquet was star lillies and i am going to get the star lillies done on my back with our wedding date on it. i kind of like the scrolly design on this one but instead of stars may do birds in honor/memory of my and jeff's grandparents. thoughts?