well, hello, negative Nelly

Ugh.

that's all i can say to sum up how i have felt over the past week. sinus infection, double ear infection (and yes, i AM 40 years old, i thought crap like this only happened to babies...). i have no motivation to do anything. i started my workout routine Tuesday night as planned with a beginner yoga class which was AWEsome. so relaxing, a little bit challenging because my muscles have not moved that way in a very long time.

the next night, i did a half hour on the dreadmill. SLOWly, but i did it while watching "Arrested Development" on my iPad, so time passed very quickly. later that night, i woke up from a sound(ish) sleep to a slamming headache in my sinuses. and i knew. i just knew. so i've been on antibiotics since Thursday and i feel like dog.

i've been craving carbs like it's my job because i have had zero energy, and i really think the antibiotics make me hungrier than normal. as a woman with PCOS, carbs are my mortal enemy. the scale definitely did not reward me yesterday; i was up 1.4 pounds. my first gain in 10 weeks and i was ready for it but still EXTREMELY discouraged.

i don't see the weight loss. nobody has commented on the weight loss. i don't FEEL the weight loss (energy level, clothes fitting differently, nothing). i'm very negative this week, and i know it's totally normal to feel some level of frustration at this stage, but i want to throw in the towel so desperately but i've spent so much time and (money) on this that i'm just stubborn enough not to quit.

i need to prove Negative Nelly wrong. i *can* do this. Nelly is not my friend. she tells me things that i would never say to another person, and she's downright nasty. she looks at me and points out my flaws. she tells me i can't accomplish something. she even tells me that i'm not worth it.

Hey, Nelly? Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

another week, and i'm at 15.8 pounds down.

i am Kristin. hear me ROAR!!!

Two months into my JC experience and i am 16 pounds down!

I have been feeling bad about not feeling that "it" feeling about losing weight, you know... that glowy, honeymoonie, energetic weight loss feeling. i haven't had that yet. it's been really discouraging, and i thought for sure that this wasn't working.

it. is. freakin. working!

NOT a lot of weight loss for people to start noticing it, but the numbers don't lie. my size 16 jeans are more comfortable and don't make it hard to sit down after i eat... my sweaters don't make me feel like i'm an elephant trying to wear a giraffe suit... i just feel better about how i look.

i still have such a long way to go, but i'm determined to get there. and when i do... i'm staying. this feels too good to want to leave and go back to the tired, unhealthy, wanting to hide in my shell, angry bitch that i have been for the past... oh, four years.

i still haven't found the old me hiding under all these layers of flab, but i'm starting to see evidence that she's in there somewhere. i'm going to find her and give her a hug for sticking by me even when i have been intolerable.

tomorrow - i start phase 2. EXERCISE. gulp. i am afraid of doing it, because i'm afraid of frustration - but i'm going to approach it the same way that i have been approaching my experience with Jenny. i'm just going to do it. eventually, i will feel the rewards.

Great apps...

Stress management has been my focus the past couple of weeks. (shocking, right?)

i found a couple of really great apps in the iTunes store that have really helped me to tone down the "ugly" feelings, the "dark clouds," and fleeting thoughts.

1. Stress Free - this app has a guided meditation that is daily, for a minimum of 3 weeks. The "coach," Andrew Johnson, has a kind of lilty accent that reminds me of Sean Connery (one of my old man crushes) and he keeps me engaged. I have not done the full 3 weeks yet, but i do find that the breathing exercises are helpful.

2. RELAX Stress & Anxiety Relief - this app has different levels of breathing exercises, for different durations of time depending on your schedule. This app is great for those moments you are having a little anxiety or when you need some help falling asleep. There are exercises for beginners, intermediate, and more advanced users.

3. PTSD Coach - my therapist actually recommended this one for me to try. You customize your "safe" places, pictures, songs, and you take a quiz to assess your level of stress. Developed by the department of veteran affairs for soldiers returning from war, this app has great tools, along with therapy, to manage your PTSD. Best of all - IT'S FREE!

4. Bejeweled Blitz - OK, so it's just a game, but it really does make you focus on the task at hand and when you turn the sound off, it really does help you ease out of whatever is preoccupying your mind. Sometimes, that's all we need... just to get out of our head.

And those are my top four suggestions. I am going to look at other apps to see what else is out there, but as a beginner in trying some homeopathic/yogic/nonstandard methods to get my stress levels under control these tools are pretty awesome.

As far as my PTSD is concerned, I haven't been as hyper vigilant about my fire aversion. I've been lighting candles around the house and not obsessing at night whether the embers are going to touch off a speck of dust into a towering inferno. Nor have I been calling municipalities, the Red Cross, other other agencies when there have been fires that have affected families in my community. I did read today about an apartment complex two towns away that lost an entire building containing 10 apartments, that resulted in another building being evacuated indefinitely from smoke damage - and I want to donate some extra furniture that the hubi and I have been storing in the garage. Helps me by helping free up the space in my garage for my car, but it also helps them by giving them something they clearly need. I'm not overextending myself by making financial contributions like I would want to under "normal" circumstances.

Wanting to help someone in need isn't a bad thing, right? I think anyone in this situation would want to do something to make a difference.

On my schedule for this week - I want to check out a women's only yoga class on Wednesday night. I've read a few reviews on Yelp! that make me want to give it a shot. I can't do hot yoga, and this studio is one of the few that still offers hatha yoga classes. I'm a little nervous, but excited at the same time. Namaste.

mind games already starting in the new year

I had an epic meltdown on Friday at work. EPIC. Like, I was yelling "You people are fucking CRAZY!" as I walked/stormed out the door. For some reason, I came back inside to thank the contractor who had been busting his ass for me throughout the move process, and the person who had set me off came into the room apparently looking for me. After screaming for what seemed like an eternity (probably only a total of 2 minutes), I calmed down. or at least I thought I had.

I left after speaking to my boss about all the negativity and toxicity that I had been listening to throughout the process, and how I hit my boiling point. He understood why I lost it, but quite honestly? The people who I yelled at were not the source of my frustration, I let it out on the wrong people as usual. Hey... at least this time I didn't kill a Swiffer Sweeper in the process.

I went to the supermarket and bought groceries for the hubi and then proceeded to the dessert aisle. Oh, you sweet lovely little packages of goodness. I bought two different WW desserts and a container of fat-free Cool Whip. When I got home, I basically ate the entire container of Cool Whip and 2 WW desserts. Did I feel better? Nope, not even close.

Why do I try to eat my emotions away? I already felt guilty about losing my shit on a friend at the office, and then I proceeded to make myself feel even more guilty by eating crap. Stupid, completely illogical (thank you, Mr. Spock), and self-destructive. I'm so desperate to manage my stress that I downloaded 2 new apps for my iPhone that promise relaxation and stress management. We'll see. At the very least, they will distract me from whatever is triggering my stress response.

This morning, I had my weekly weigh in at Jenny. I wanted to call and make up an excuse that I couldn't make it this morning because i JUST KNEW it was going to be bad. Believe it or not... I actually lost 1.2 pounds this week. I know I could have done a lot better had I not completely blown it this weekend, but I still managed to lose. What the frick?! I didn't deserve to lose anything this week, yet my body still released over a pound of fat for me anyways.

Week 8 of the Jenny experiment, and I am down 14.8 - SO close to 15 pounds!!

I can't wait to see my therapist this week so I can try to figure out how to manage my anger better. I am so tired of listening to negativity and taking it personally. Sigh... At least I recognize the error of my ways.

Parting is such sweet sorrow, 2011...

2011 brought a lot of changes in the world and in my own small life.

I'm still married, that's not going to change.

I'm still cancer-free, that is something I am grateful for and hopeful that I don't have to face that again any time soon.

I'm still working for the same company, although there were some major changes in management this year. I no longer work for the Devil Wears Prada, and I actually found myself looking forward to going to the office (until recently, but that's another story entirely).

I bid farewell to my 30s, and in essence my youth at the same time.

I said good-bye to some friends, and welcomed some new ones to my life.

I've said adios to some negativity, and developing a more positive outlook on life.

Bin Laden is dead. Kim Jong Il is dead. The recession was allegedly dead, but those rumors were greatly exaggerated. We said farewell to celebrities, pop icons, and politicians. We welcomed some new additions to our family through marriages and births, and bid adieu to some not-so-awesome family members through divorce.

2011 brought a lot of changes. Some good, some bad. Some were happy, some were sad. It is bittersweet to say farewell to a year where I turned 40 - in another decade I will be turning 30 and hopefully in convincing fashion.

All in all, I look to 2012 with hope. I am not setting huge expectations for 365 days, but welcome it with open arms and look forward to the surprises the coming year will bring. No resolution, just a promise to continue to grow as a person.

one broke girl

I hate that show "Two Broke Girls," really I do.

BUT... I know how it feels to be broke. The worst debt I have been in was about $25,000 at my absolute worst. When I was at my worst, I binge ate and binge shopped to run away from what was really going on in my life. It didn't work, because the problems were still there and I was creating new problems by gaining a shitload of weight and building a shitload of debt.

In June of this year, I was $20,000 in debt. I finally crashed and told my husband about my problem. It was embarassing, but more... I couldn't live that way any longer. I cried for what felt like hours, and the shame I felt made me realize that I needed to turn things around.

I spent $600 on airfare to get to Miami for that cruise, another $200 for the hotel, restaurant, and transportation, and then the cruise itself and a 10 bottle wine package (stupid, I know...). I almost cancelled the entire trip because I couldn't afford any of the other expenses, and I didn't want to have to fess up to anyone on the trip. So, I withdrew. I didn't do any spa treatments like I wanted to, I didn't buy anything extravagant, and I didn't do any excursions. Basically, I was boat-bound unless it involved no money.

When I checked out? I had a credit balance. I didn't end up using all of the bottles of wine, and the cruiseline credited me for the unused bottles. It was a small savings, but it made me feel like there was a light at the end of the financial tunnel. Flash forward 6 months, I have paid down close to $8,000 of that mounting debt, my car is paid off, and my husband and I are working on a plan to get rid of all of my debt within the next year.

I am compulsive. I have no control. I try to escape from my problems, and I often let it out in my writing. Sometimes, people take what I have to say personally, but this blog is about me and MY problems. I am not placing blame on anyone for the way I react to things, I am not trying to deflect responsibility for my own actions. I am a product of my own environment, and I was raised in a rather fucked up family that taught me some really fucked up views on life. Is this my parents' fault? Nope, not in the least. They made me who I am, and it made me stronger than I ever thought I could be.

Will everyone understand or respect what I have to say? No, most definitely. But I will always do what I can to maintain my integrity, and will never do or say anything to intentionally hurt someone. I am making a lot of changes in my life, and I am trying to simplify my life by cutting out a lot. People may not agree with what I have to say, but they should at least be respectful. My grandparents taught me that, and I plan to live the rest of my life that way. Life will be a lot more tolerable that way, for everyone.

i know it's not just me...

Have you ever been friends with someone, only to discover that they really don't like you as much as you liked them? And you do whatever you can to act like it doesn't bother you, but inside it really makes you feel sad?

That would be me this weekend.

I have written about the cruise before, and while not everyone left with glowy feelings, I thought that the friends that I spent so much time with and I had bonded. Apparently, that is not true at all. It's been almost 6 months since that cruise, and I only regularly talk to one person from the trip. I occasionally check in with someone else, but on the whole... it wasn't what I had built up in my head as a memorable vacation where lifetime relationships were created. Instead, I think a pretty major rift was created.

I will admit, I may have been a tad harsh in my recap of the cruise, but I do not regret a word of it. There were a billion expectations brought on that cruise, more than the luggage that each person brought, and unfortunately it did not live up to any of those expectations.

Over the weekend, several of the cruisers that I had thought were my friends got together in NYC, and nobody thought to invite me. It made me profoundly sad. To the point that I blocked most of them from my newsfeed on FB, and even removed a few because I couldn't bear the thought of seeing them all having a fabulous time while I sat at home by myself because my husband had to work 18 hours yesterday.

I had invented these amazing friendships in my head, but in reality - they never existed. I am very disappointed in myself for allowing myself to feel so sad about something that wasn't real, but I'm more disappointed in myself for letting it bother me. That's growth, people. I would normally mope and eat my feelings away, but instead I am OK with feeling sad about it, I didn't binge, and I'm writing about the learning experience. I will never take another vacation like that again, I will only take trips with my true friends, not people who I was DYING to be friends with - you know, the "cool clique." As a teenager, I was socially awkward, and never found my circle of friends to hang with so I kind of wandered from circle to circle and never really felt like I belonged. As an adult, 20-something years later, I am still socially awkward, but it's mostly driven by my own insecurities of wanting to belong instead of just being comfortable with who I am as a person.

I am tired of trying to mold myself to fit others' lives. I belong where I belong, and I shouldn't have to try to fit into a circle or a triangle if I'm clearly a square. And that's OK. We are not all meant to be friends, we don't all have to like each other. I am happy with who I have in my life, and if someone comes along who fits in with that - terrific, but I flat out refuse to try to reshape myself just to be liked by someone who clearly doesn't have a space for a square.

Week 5 of Jenny Craig down, weigh in tomorrow... I'm learning a lot more about my eating habits, I'm learning even more about how I deal with my feelings, and the therapy is really helping a lot with my eating disorder. Can't wait to see what 2012 brings!