Monday, January 2, 2012

mind games already starting in the new year

I had an epic meltdown on Friday at work. EPIC. Like, I was yelling "You people are fucking CRAZY!" as I walked/stormed out the door. For some reason, I came back inside to thank the contractor who had been busting his ass for me throughout the move process, and the person who had set me off came into the room apparently looking for me. After screaming for what seemed like an eternity (probably only a total of 2 minutes), I calmed down. or at least I thought I had.

I left after speaking to my boss about all the negativity and toxicity that I had been listening to throughout the process, and how I hit my boiling point. He understood why I lost it, but quite honestly? The people who I yelled at were not the source of my frustration, I let it out on the wrong people as usual. Hey... at least this time I didn't kill a Swiffer Sweeper in the process.

I went to the supermarket and bought groceries for the hubi and then proceeded to the dessert aisle. Oh, you sweet lovely little packages of goodness. I bought two different WW desserts and a container of fat-free Cool Whip. When I got home, I basically ate the entire container of Cool Whip and 2 WW desserts. Did I feel better? Nope, not even close.

Why do I try to eat my emotions away? I already felt guilty about losing my shit on a friend at the office, and then I proceeded to make myself feel even more guilty by eating crap. Stupid, completely illogical (thank you, Mr. Spock), and self-destructive. I'm so desperate to manage my stress that I downloaded 2 new apps for my iPhone that promise relaxation and stress management. We'll see. At the very least, they will distract me from whatever is triggering my stress response.

This morning, I had my weekly weigh in at Jenny. I wanted to call and make up an excuse that I couldn't make it this morning because i JUST KNEW it was going to be bad. Believe it or not... I actually lost 1.2 pounds this week. I know I could have done a lot better had I not completely blown it this weekend, but I still managed to lose. What the frick?! I didn't deserve to lose anything this week, yet my body still released over a pound of fat for me anyways.

Week 8 of the Jenny experiment, and I am down 14.8 - SO close to 15 pounds!!

I can't wait to see my therapist this week so I can try to figure out how to manage my anger better. I am so tired of listening to negativity and taking it personally. Sigh... At least I recognize the error of my ways.

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