procrastination, ADD, or something else?

i don't know why i keep forgetting to post to my blog. i know i committed to myself that i would journal my progress, both physically and emotionally, yet for some reason i keep forgetting. i get distracted by work, by life, by television... it's so bad.


last night's WW theme was making time for yourself - which is what reminded me that i needed to update this. because while i am talking to you, i am doing this for me as well. it really does help to look back at my writing and see how i was feeling at a given time and understand it. so... this morning, i put fingers to keyboard and am journaling again. last night's weigh in: down 1.8 - i was very pleased with this number, given that i had weighed in last week in the morning and it was only 5 days earlier. i am curious what that number would have been if i waited the full week, and went in the morning, but then i wouldn't get to go to my favorite leader's meeting. i'll take the loss, thankyouverymuch. last week, i did gain (period) but i expected it given that i felt like the entire Atlantic Ocean was being stored in my boobs. damn water retention. so, my net loss in 11 weeks is 3 pounds. not horrible. i am actually exactly the same weight i was last June when i went to my friend's wedding in Atlanta.


root canal is healing nicely - i was finally able to chew on that side of my mouth last weekend. i am coronated on April 26th. you can still call me Kristin, but in my mind i will be "queen" for a day. so, this week, the husband is in Florida for a mini-vacation by himself. he has to schedule his vacations a year in advance due to where he works, and i couldn't afford to take this week off from my job. i've been on my own all week, and it SUCKS. i don't think about these things when i have to travel for work, but being home alone with just the cat to torture me really blows chunks. the first night was OK, because i was exhausted from getting up at 3:30 AM to drive him to the airport. last night, i went to my WW meeting, and then came home and caught up on the DVR. i still haven't done any housework that i needed to do before he got back. the laundry bomb went off and the house looks like a disaster area from a dryer explosion. maybe tonight.


i am going for a tattoo consultation TOMORROW. yes, you read correctly. i am actually doing it. lotus flower, right shoulder, for me to remind me that what cannot kill me makes me stronger (yes, i'm talking to you, asscancer). the next one will be on my left shoulder, and will be for him. i am scared and excited.

Le sigh...another day another crisis?

I had my annual last week. You know, the typical yucky girl stuff. And surprise of all surprises, she said "have you thought about losing weight?". Uh. Yeah. I've thought about it, and have been going to meetings for the better part of two months. Not that she would know this because all she sees is that haven't lost a damn thing in the past year. She didn't see the (slight, 2 pound) gain, or the losses. Just that I'm pretty much the same as last year. At the rate I'm going (about 1/4 pound average in 12 months)... I will be at goal in oh, about 99 years. No, scratch that. I'll be at goal...sometime after never?

Time to get serious. Oh, wait. Already getting there.

I have a few friends who struggle the same way I do, but until I open my mouth and talk about it (or, in this case, write about it), I have no idea that I'm normal. I always think my problems are so unique and special. They're not. A lot of us have the same insecurities and ways of dealing with things. I choose to eat or shop. I don't get many compliments these days, so buying pretty shiny new things is my way of getting some sort of positive attention. I know this. If I'm not getting the positive attention, I think I suck. And when I think I suck, like this past week where I had a glut of epic failures at work, I ate peeps to numb those negative feelings. Peeps are delicious, but they do not have magic powers to fix my problems. Yet, I turn to them every flipping time.

Anyway... The results of my appointment were posted today online. I have hpv. And my husband, when I told him, started bawling. I thought he was kidding, and I was laughing hysterically. He started projectile tears, and I knew he was serious. He thinks he gave me this horrible thing, but in truth, I may have given it to him. I had my first hpv test about 4 years ago, and it was negative. This one came back positive. What does this mean? Right now? Not a heck of a lot. I have to go back to the gyno in 6 months for a followup, and then who knows? So... I now get to worry about both ass and cooch cancer. How lucky am I? Eh... I'm okay with it. I'm not stressed or upset over either, but the husband? He's devastated. Not sure why, because in both cases, we will keep an eye on it and do what we can to keep it from going anywhere. I'm lucky because both types of cancer are very treatable when detected in the early stages, and I actually feel pretty lucky about that.

It's all about perspective. And right now, mine is pretty good, all things considered.

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Yuck... Part deux

Root canal.

Nuf said. It sucked big hairy monkey balls. No, I don't want to hurt the monkey's feelings... It was worse than that. It was like spending a weekend with my mother in law without the luxury of the safety word to get me out of there. It was like the worst torture ever. Water boarding? Fuck that. Give a terrorist a root canal. They'll tell you everything you need to hear once the lockjaw wears off.

When I say my mouth was pried in the open position for 90 plus minutes, I kid you not. I got in there at 11:30, and finally was allowed to close up shop at 1:20. What the deuce? At least the Novocain was still working, but I thought I could play rocky Dennis in the new "mask" movie opposite Cher. I felt deformed, I felt like I was handicapped from the face left. Nobody told me I was going to be starting a training program for future porn stars of america.

It was that bad. Next time, dear dentist, yank the fucker. I don't care if I look like the old man on "family guy." I'm going toothless. Gerber, I'll be your adult spokesperson.


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Tell me what you don't like about yourself...

I was asked that question tonight by the owner of the sugar free bakery I go to once a month. We were talking about appearances and I said I wished I looked like someone. He said,"you look fine. What is wrong with how you look?" honestly I couldn't answer him, so I said my nose. Stupid, huh?

I constantly complain about not liking how I look, but when an acquaintance asks me specifically what I don't like, I had no answer. It got me thinking... When you look at yourself objectively, not the "I feel fat" kind of way, but honestly just standing there looking at yourself as if you are talking to that person... Can you honestly say something negative about that person to her? I'm going to say no. You would never say something negative about a person's appearance to their face, so what makes it okay to say it inside your head? Saying it out loud to this man made me step back and realize how foolish I am for all this negative self talk.

I have a pleasant face, I like to laugh, and I love to make people laugh. Who cares if I have a zit on my chin, or a stray goat hair sprouting up where there shouldn't be? I am who I am, and I actually think I like her.

Now.... I had my annual physical this morning and she asked if I had considered losing weight to help improve my chances of delaying the onset of colon cancer. I told her that I was going to weight watchers, and she was happy for me! Every time I tell someone that I'm following weight watchers, I get a positive reaction. Why was I so ashamed of admitting this before? Hiding the fact that I am trying to take care of the only body I've got? I mean, it's plainly obvious that I am overweight and need to lose some mass, so by telling people I am taking care of myself is cause for celebration!! And you should celebrate yourself today, too!!

I am totally contradicting my bitchtacular rep today, but I really feel positive and amazing today.

Peace out, loves.

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what the deuce, wednesday?

seriously... i have to have a freaking root canal on April Fool's day. what the hell? major snow storm, root canal, what else can the universe throw me on April 1st. I'm ready for it! BRING IT. ("oh it's already been broughten..." best line ever) anyway... yesterday was less than stellar in the Weight Watchers universe for me. i had a grilled veggie burrito at QDoba for lunch, which wasn't horrible considering i passed up the cheese and sour cream, however... it did lead to some serious cravings in the evening. i ended up with approximately 44 points for the day (tapping into my weeklies by 6) and i feel fat today. i'm wearing my jeans and i feel it in the waistband. water retention, partly, but i know that i need to stop with the carbs. today, i didn't realize that until i ate an entire pita bread with my salad. i feel tired, sleepy, fatigued, grouchy, and want something sweet to pick me up. i have to stop! the hubs asked me if i wanted to go to the gym last night, and i politely declined. i had to clean the apartment for today was our annual maintenance visit for our apartment, and i like everything to look like we care about our property when management comes a-knockin. and now he wants to go tonight... as previously stated... i'm tired, sleepy, fatigued, grouchy, and now i'm cranky!! i have to stay late at the office tonight because our landlord is having an event downstairs and since i manage the security system, i have to be on-site to ensure nothing gets stolen. le sigh... and no, i am not getting paid for it. i'll just make up for it friday while i'm luxuriating during my extended lunch hour getting a root canal. does this girl know how to woop it up or what? your jealous. admit it. :)

The yuck stops here!!!

I am going to cut to the chase: down 1.8 this week!!! Two weeks in a row with a loss!! Hip hip hooray!!!!

Now I do not condone only eating apples and breath mints on weigh in day, and I also do not think I should step on the scale at home any more. Yes, Kristin, I'm talking to me. I keep playing these mind games with myself and it's more destructive than anything I could physically do to myself because the psychological bullshit I hand myself really starts to build up and causes this emotional implosion. Not cool. Not cool at all.

So... Here I sit in my meeting typing this, waiting for my inspiration to carry with me for the week instead of the desperation I give to myself. I tried two of the e-mealz recipes and it was very easy to stay on program when I prepare healthy and delicious meals for myself. It's one way to treat myself without costing me any weight or extra money.

While I was sitting at my meeting, I got a text message from one of my amazing friends in reference to my post about being so self-conscious about working out in front of people. She made an excellent point: this isn't about them. It's all about me, so I need to get over worrying what people think. True dat!!

I am so lucky to have such incredible, supportive friends who tell me what I need to hear. *smooches*

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to quote Madonna: get into the groove, girl you've got to move

Girl, what will it be?

I have GOT to move this ass. I haven't done anything remotely exercise related since my husband dragged me to the gym a month ago (well, i drove, but he forced me to go!). i got sick, and my momentum petered out. I hate, let me rephrase that. i HATE Planet Fitness. i feel like it's a meat market. let me rephrase THAT. MEET market. even though their slogan says "we're a judgment free zone," they totally are. c'mon. the girls who have the nice asses are prancing around in their tight little pants and short shirts, draping themselves on the equipment (and not breaking a sweat for fear their mascara might run), and the boys totally eat it up. i'm judging them (yes, i admit that... i am Mrs. Judgy McJudgerson), and they are judging me.

there's old and obese me... toiling away on a dreadmill and watching this take place. at 10:00 at night, even. kids, kids, kids! i feel so freaking self conscious, i don't go. i know i stick out like a sore thumb. i feel gigantic. i know i'm not, i'm "only" a size 16, but i am bigger than i have been in 5 years so i am feeling rather large at the moment.

so, what's a girl with a huge amount of insecurity to do? i am afraid to go to the fitness center at my apartment complex, it's rather small and the people who go there are usually hardcore and are sprinting on the dreadmills. i am afraid to walk the neighborhood because of coyotes. i have every excuse in the book as to why not. i have considered buying something so i can do my cardio at home in front of the TV while i catch up on "Nurse Jackie," but am i really going to commit to it? plus... do i REALLY want to walk that gigantic thing up three flights of stairs and then have it cluttering up my zen living space? not really.

gah.

so, dear diary: i need to work out. i know this. i just don't know how to get over the mental part of it. that's my biggest block on everything in this journey: my brain. i need to reprogram it. is it the red pill, or the blue pill? the blue pills are fun because you get s-e-x... oh, not that blue pill? damn it. oh, right... focus. i've been OK today food-wise. had lunch with the hubs, we both got grilled tilapia and the total point damage including a cappucino at Starbucks was 11 points. not bad, considering that's not even 1/3 of my daily allowance. tonight, i am going to the supermarket and buying the items from the eMealz grocery list so i can prepare things in advance.