I hate that show "Two Broke Girls," really I do.
BUT... I know how it feels to be broke. The worst debt I have been in was about $25,000 at my absolute worst. When I was at my worst, I binge ate and binge shopped to run away from what was really going on in my life. It didn't work, because the problems were still there and I was creating new problems by gaining a shitload of weight and building a shitload of debt.
In June of this year, I was $20,000 in debt. I finally crashed and told my husband about my problem. It was embarassing, but more... I couldn't live that way any longer. I cried for what felt like hours, and the shame I felt made me realize that I needed to turn things around.
I spent $600 on airfare to get to Miami for that cruise, another $200 for the hotel, restaurant, and transportation, and then the cruise itself and a 10 bottle wine package (stupid, I know...). I almost cancelled the entire trip because I couldn't afford any of the other expenses, and I didn't want to have to fess up to anyone on the trip. So, I withdrew. I didn't do any spa treatments like I wanted to, I didn't buy anything extravagant, and I didn't do any excursions. Basically, I was boat-bound unless it involved no money.
When I checked out? I had a credit balance. I didn't end up using all of the bottles of wine, and the cruiseline credited me for the unused bottles. It was a small savings, but it made me feel like there was a light at the end of the financial tunnel. Flash forward 6 months, I have paid down close to $8,000 of that mounting debt, my car is paid off, and my husband and I are working on a plan to get rid of all of my debt within the next year.
I am compulsive. I have no control. I try to escape from my problems, and I often let it out in my writing. Sometimes, people take what I have to say personally, but this blog is about me and MY problems. I am not placing blame on anyone for the way I react to things, I am not trying to deflect responsibility for my own actions. I am a product of my own environment, and I was raised in a rather fucked up family that taught me some really fucked up views on life. Is this my parents' fault? Nope, not in the least. They made me who I am, and it made me stronger than I ever thought I could be.
Will everyone understand or respect what I have to say? No, most definitely. But I will always do what I can to maintain my integrity, and will never do or say anything to intentionally hurt someone. I am making a lot of changes in my life, and I am trying to simplify my life by cutting out a lot. People may not agree with what I have to say, but they should at least be respectful. My grandparents taught me that, and I plan to live the rest of my life that way. Life will be a lot more tolerable that way, for everyone.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
i know it's not just me...
Have you ever been friends with someone, only to discover that they really don't like you as much as you liked them? And you do whatever you can to act like it doesn't bother you, but inside it really makes you feel sad?
That would be me this weekend.
I have written about the cruise before, and while not everyone left with glowy feelings, I thought that the friends that I spent so much time with and I had bonded. Apparently, that is not true at all. It's been almost 6 months since that cruise, and I only regularly talk to one person from the trip. I occasionally check in with someone else, but on the whole... it wasn't what I had built up in my head as a memorable vacation where lifetime relationships were created. Instead, I think a pretty major rift was created.
I will admit, I may have been a tad harsh in my recap of the cruise, but I do not regret a word of it. There were a billion expectations brought on that cruise, more than the luggage that each person brought, and unfortunately it did not live up to any of those expectations.
Over the weekend, several of the cruisers that I had thought were my friends got together in NYC, and nobody thought to invite me. It made me profoundly sad. To the point that I blocked most of them from my newsfeed on FB, and even removed a few because I couldn't bear the thought of seeing them all having a fabulous time while I sat at home by myself because my husband had to work 18 hours yesterday.
I had invented these amazing friendships in my head, but in reality - they never existed. I am very disappointed in myself for allowing myself to feel so sad about something that wasn't real, but I'm more disappointed in myself for letting it bother me. That's growth, people. I would normally mope and eat my feelings away, but instead I am OK with feeling sad about it, I didn't binge, and I'm writing about the learning experience. I will never take another vacation like that again, I will only take trips with my true friends, not people who I was DYING to be friends with - you know, the "cool clique." As a teenager, I was socially awkward, and never found my circle of friends to hang with so I kind of wandered from circle to circle and never really felt like I belonged. As an adult, 20-something years later, I am still socially awkward, but it's mostly driven by my own insecurities of wanting to belong instead of just being comfortable with who I am as a person.
I am tired of trying to mold myself to fit others' lives. I belong where I belong, and I shouldn't have to try to fit into a circle or a triangle if I'm clearly a square. And that's OK. We are not all meant to be friends, we don't all have to like each other. I am happy with who I have in my life, and if someone comes along who fits in with that - terrific, but I flat out refuse to try to reshape myself just to be liked by someone who clearly doesn't have a space for a square.
Week 5 of Jenny Craig down, weigh in tomorrow... I'm learning a lot more about my eating habits, I'm learning even more about how I deal with my feelings, and the therapy is really helping a lot with my eating disorder. Can't wait to see what 2012 brings!
That would be me this weekend.
I have written about the cruise before, and while not everyone left with glowy feelings, I thought that the friends that I spent so much time with and I had bonded. Apparently, that is not true at all. It's been almost 6 months since that cruise, and I only regularly talk to one person from the trip. I occasionally check in with someone else, but on the whole... it wasn't what I had built up in my head as a memorable vacation where lifetime relationships were created. Instead, I think a pretty major rift was created.
I will admit, I may have been a tad harsh in my recap of the cruise, but I do not regret a word of it. There were a billion expectations brought on that cruise, more than the luggage that each person brought, and unfortunately it did not live up to any of those expectations.
Over the weekend, several of the cruisers that I had thought were my friends got together in NYC, and nobody thought to invite me. It made me profoundly sad. To the point that I blocked most of them from my newsfeed on FB, and even removed a few because I couldn't bear the thought of seeing them all having a fabulous time while I sat at home by myself because my husband had to work 18 hours yesterday.
I had invented these amazing friendships in my head, but in reality - they never existed. I am very disappointed in myself for allowing myself to feel so sad about something that wasn't real, but I'm more disappointed in myself for letting it bother me. That's growth, people. I would normally mope and eat my feelings away, but instead I am OK with feeling sad about it, I didn't binge, and I'm writing about the learning experience. I will never take another vacation like that again, I will only take trips with my true friends, not people who I was DYING to be friends with - you know, the "cool clique." As a teenager, I was socially awkward, and never found my circle of friends to hang with so I kind of wandered from circle to circle and never really felt like I belonged. As an adult, 20-something years later, I am still socially awkward, but it's mostly driven by my own insecurities of wanting to belong instead of just being comfortable with who I am as a person.
I am tired of trying to mold myself to fit others' lives. I belong where I belong, and I shouldn't have to try to fit into a circle or a triangle if I'm clearly a square. And that's OK. We are not all meant to be friends, we don't all have to like each other. I am happy with who I have in my life, and if someone comes along who fits in with that - terrific, but I flat out refuse to try to reshape myself just to be liked by someone who clearly doesn't have a space for a square.
Week 5 of Jenny Craig down, weigh in tomorrow... I'm learning a lot more about my eating habits, I'm learning even more about how I deal with my feelings, and the therapy is really helping a lot with my eating disorder. Can't wait to see what 2012 brings!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
let me count the ways...
I was doing so well the past week - I had a not-so-amicable separation between the scale and I, but on Saturday it called to me. And I stepped on... it showed a great loss... like 5 pounds worth and I thought, "Oh cool! I can EAT!!" and eat I did...
...and last night's weigh in showed a 1.6 pound loss instead of the 5 that I had seen just two days earlier.
I know, y'all are going to tell me that 1.6 pounds is awesome for a week, but I messed up. Not an epic fail, but still... I have learned. The scale is going to the garage and if the hubby wants to weigh himself he is more than welcome to go down there to use it. I'm not going to pay any mind to that piece of glass and metal.
Aside from that minor slip this weekend, I am really following the program. And it's working. I just completed week 4 and am down 11 pounds even. Yep! That's pretty frickin awesome, a little bit less than 3 pounds a week. I'll take it. I'm looking forward to my clothes fitting looser and being able to wear some of my "old" clothes. I miss my stuff! I have 4 large bins full of size 14s that I can't wait to put on again (I'm in my 16s right now... snug but not unattractively so).
My attitude is still relatively positive, although the evil bitch did sneak back into my psyche this week. I'm exhausted. Emotionally, physically, and just overall tired. Not sleeping well because I'm preoccupied with the office move (yeah... great timing... it's not like the holidays are a burden to anyone or anything) but I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. The big move takes place the week between Christmas and New Year's. I just hope that light isn't an oncoming train.
Tomorrow, I get my Christmas present to myself. I ordered a BodyMedia device to track myself a little bit more than I already am. I am totally geeked out to get the biometric feedback and see where I can make some changes to keep this weight coming off. I will post my opinions on it as soon as I start using it - I ordered the Bluetooth device so I don't even have to take it off to upload! No excuses!!
Namaste.
...and last night's weigh in showed a 1.6 pound loss instead of the 5 that I had seen just two days earlier.
I know, y'all are going to tell me that 1.6 pounds is awesome for a week, but I messed up. Not an epic fail, but still... I have learned. The scale is going to the garage and if the hubby wants to weigh himself he is more than welcome to go down there to use it. I'm not going to pay any mind to that piece of glass and metal.
Aside from that minor slip this weekend, I am really following the program. And it's working. I just completed week 4 and am down 11 pounds even. Yep! That's pretty frickin awesome, a little bit less than 3 pounds a week. I'll take it. I'm looking forward to my clothes fitting looser and being able to wear some of my "old" clothes. I miss my stuff! I have 4 large bins full of size 14s that I can't wait to put on again (I'm in my 16s right now... snug but not unattractively so).
My attitude is still relatively positive, although the evil bitch did sneak back into my psyche this week. I'm exhausted. Emotionally, physically, and just overall tired. Not sleeping well because I'm preoccupied with the office move (yeah... great timing... it's not like the holidays are a burden to anyone or anything) but I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. The big move takes place the week between Christmas and New Year's. I just hope that light isn't an oncoming train.
Tomorrow, I get my Christmas present to myself. I ordered a BodyMedia device to track myself a little bit more than I already am. I am totally geeked out to get the biometric feedback and see where I can make some changes to keep this weight coming off. I will post my opinions on it as soon as I start using it - I ordered the Bluetooth device so I don't even have to take it off to upload! No excuses!!
Namaste.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Forgive me, blogosphere, for I have slacked
I have been really having a personal struggle over the past several months. After a lot of soul searching and some discussions with the hubs, I finally admitted that I needed help. I had been feeling like I was the ugliest part of who I used to be. I don't mean physical ugliness, but the emotional, angry, hyper-reactive side of me who takes everything and turns it into a conflict or drama.
I stood up for myself and called my doctor who put me back on a low dose of antidepressants and I found a great therapist who was strongly recommended by one of my best friends on the planet (I pretty much owe her my life right now, since I was in that vortex of doom). The therapist diagnosed me with severe pmdd (hi, hormones... You are what was making me so incredibly over the top bitchtastic), and I have post traumatic stress disorder, which was predominantly triggered by the great fire of 2008.
After several months of therapy and the antidepressant getting the pmdd under control, I feel like me again. I want to be better, emotionally and physically. Two weeks ago, I decided to take the physical and start to get my body healthy again since my mind is getting healthier (might as well have the total package, right?). I joined Jenny. Now, I know a lot of you feel very strongly against prepackaged foods, but given my history with binge eating, I knew is was the only reasonable solution for me right now. I still feel too weak to go to the grocery store and be trusted to purchase healthy meals and prepare single servings for myself. It's so much easier to have a pint of ice cream than to cook!!
Two weeks into the new eating plan, I am down 7.2 pounds. Not bad, but I have a long way to go. And I am looking forward to it, because I am already feeling like the old me is starting to come back and I miss her.
Optimism... A new feeling but I like it. I am tired if worrying about the shoe to drop when things seem to be going well.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I stood up for myself and called my doctor who put me back on a low dose of antidepressants and I found a great therapist who was strongly recommended by one of my best friends on the planet (I pretty much owe her my life right now, since I was in that vortex of doom). The therapist diagnosed me with severe pmdd (hi, hormones... You are what was making me so incredibly over the top bitchtastic), and I have post traumatic stress disorder, which was predominantly triggered by the great fire of 2008.
After several months of therapy and the antidepressant getting the pmdd under control, I feel like me again. I want to be better, emotionally and physically. Two weeks ago, I decided to take the physical and start to get my body healthy again since my mind is getting healthier (might as well have the total package, right?). I joined Jenny. Now, I know a lot of you feel very strongly against prepackaged foods, but given my history with binge eating, I knew is was the only reasonable solution for me right now. I still feel too weak to go to the grocery store and be trusted to purchase healthy meals and prepare single servings for myself. It's so much easier to have a pint of ice cream than to cook!!
Two weeks into the new eating plan, I am down 7.2 pounds. Not bad, but I have a long way to go. And I am looking forward to it, because I am already feeling like the old me is starting to come back and I miss her.
Optimism... A new feeling but I like it. I am tired if worrying about the shoe to drop when things seem to be going well.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
where did i go?
sad and frustrated...
2 weeks ago, i was all gung-ho about my coworkers organizing a group walk during lunchtime. the group kind of started because i was talking about how gym memberships are so expensive and i can't (read: won't) go early in the morning because of the husband's schedule.
so... i've walked with them several times over the past week or so. and i am humiliated. i can't keep up, i am sweating profusely, and i just mapped out one of our routes and it's only 1.5 miles. i used to be able to walk 10 miles effortlessly. i feel so pathetic.
i am so sad. i want to cry.
i don't recognize myself any more. i feel hollow inside. i feel no joy about anything. sure, i can pretend that things are awesome because i don't want to be Debbie Downer, but inside... i am a mess. i burst into tears for no reason (and it's ALWAYS on the day i don't wear my waterproof mascara...FML), and have been called out on my angry outbursts.
i don't like who i have become. i have let myself go so far, and i hate it. i am ashamed of myself, and i am unhappy. and this stupid 1.44 mile walk at lunch? just reminds me that i have completely lost myself.
what do i do?
2 weeks ago, i was all gung-ho about my coworkers organizing a group walk during lunchtime. the group kind of started because i was talking about how gym memberships are so expensive and i can't (read: won't) go early in the morning because of the husband's schedule.
so... i've walked with them several times over the past week or so. and i am humiliated. i can't keep up, i am sweating profusely, and i just mapped out one of our routes and it's only 1.5 miles. i used to be able to walk 10 miles effortlessly. i feel so pathetic.
i am so sad. i want to cry.
i don't recognize myself any more. i feel hollow inside. i feel no joy about anything. sure, i can pretend that things are awesome because i don't want to be Debbie Downer, but inside... i am a mess. i burst into tears for no reason (and it's ALWAYS on the day i don't wear my waterproof mascara...FML), and have been called out on my angry outbursts.
i don't like who i have become. i have let myself go so far, and i hate it. i am ashamed of myself, and i am unhappy. and this stupid 1.44 mile walk at lunch? just reminds me that i have completely lost myself.
what do i do?
Monday, August 1, 2011
whaddya know? accountability works!
emailing my menu every day to my new support group...
i am down 1.3 this week. SCORE! *fist pump*
who knew that just being honest and documenting everything i have consumed would help? regardless if i went over my daily points allowance or not. i. still. lost.
tracking - it works. so simple, but so challenging because it requires total honesty, which is something i am terrified of because i am afraid of being judged. but that is exactly what i need - judgment.
now, this week the meeting topic is snacking. people were talking about what they eat for snacks, but the leader was really trying to steer away from TREATS and focus on healthy snacks. which to me equals mini-meals. unfortunately, the group didn't grasp that concept and one woman said she eats VitaTops (muffin tops) for a snack. lo and behold, i saw one of the group members at Hannaford after the meeting with every. single. kind. of. vita top. she will be very disappointed because: 1. they are not real food, and b. sawdust has a more enticing texture.
another woman said, "oh, i have yogurt pie all the time. it's just like ice cream." no. no it's not. if i want ice cream, i am going to have ice cream because if i don't, i will obsess over it and when i have the real deal will binge on it because the fake food didn't satisfy. i don't understand why people don't understand this simple concept.
sigh.
some day... some day... i will teach people what i have learned and hopefully they will actually listen to me. ibecause when i try to tell them now, all they see is overweight me and will not learn from my mistakes. i don't look like a role model, but that will change. just wait.
sigh. at least i'm learning.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
i am down 1.3 this week. SCORE! *fist pump*
who knew that just being honest and documenting everything i have consumed would help? regardless if i went over my daily points allowance or not. i. still. lost.
tracking - it works. so simple, but so challenging because it requires total honesty, which is something i am terrified of because i am afraid of being judged. but that is exactly what i need - judgment.
now, this week the meeting topic is snacking. people were talking about what they eat for snacks, but the leader was really trying to steer away from TREATS and focus on healthy snacks. which to me equals mini-meals. unfortunately, the group didn't grasp that concept and one woman said she eats VitaTops (muffin tops) for a snack. lo and behold, i saw one of the group members at Hannaford after the meeting with every. single. kind. of. vita top. she will be very disappointed because: 1. they are not real food, and b. sawdust has a more enticing texture.
another woman said, "oh, i have yogurt pie all the time. it's just like ice cream." no. no it's not. if i want ice cream, i am going to have ice cream because if i don't, i will obsess over it and when i have the real deal will binge on it because the fake food didn't satisfy. i don't understand why people don't understand this simple concept.
sigh.
some day... some day... i will teach people what i have learned and hopefully they will actually listen to me. ibecause when i try to tell them now, all they see is overweight me and will not learn from my mistakes. i don't look like a role model, but that will change. just wait.
sigh. at least i'm learning.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Accountability - Day 1
For accountability, and probably a humbling experience, I am going to be posting my food journals for feedback. CLEARLY I need help - I have succeeded on this program before, but I have been at a completely standstill. I need feedback, I need brutal honesty, and I need help. So... here goes nothing.
breakfast:
1/4 c. raisins - 3
1 c. kashi honey puffs cereal - 3
1 c. fat free milk - 2
lunch:
5 c. greek salad without dressing - 5
pita bread (white) - 4
1 oz. dark chocolate - 4
dinner:
trader joe's reduced guilt mac & cheese - 7
1 c. trader joe's blueberry pomegranate sherbet - 6
anytime:
2 slices whole wheat bread - 2
3 ounces turkey breast - 2
1 WW Lemon snack bar thingy - 2
total: 40
APs: 5 (walked 45 minutes)
breakfast:
1/4 c. raisins - 3
1 c. kashi honey puffs cereal - 3
1 c. fat free milk - 2
lunch:
5 c. greek salad without dressing - 5
pita bread (white) - 4
1 oz. dark chocolate - 4
dinner:
trader joe's reduced guilt mac & cheese - 7
1 c. trader joe's blueberry pomegranate sherbet - 6
anytime:
2 slices whole wheat bread - 2
3 ounces turkey breast - 2
1 WW Lemon snack bar thingy - 2
total: 40
APs: 5 (walked 45 minutes)
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