it's an inside job

Yes, it's an inside job.

You have to be happy... TRULY happy inside. You can't rely on other factors, people, places, things to make you happy. YOU have to make yourself happy. Things happen when you are a happy, good person. People want to be around you. People appreciate things. People want to do things FOR you. Nobody wants to be around the sad sack who is having a pity party of one. They want to be happy. Happy people attract other happy people.

It's all about perspective. Or introspective (is that even a word?). My homework assignment last month was to stop the negative self-talk. While it wasn't a whopping success, I have become more AWARE when I am doing it and I make an effort to turn those negative thoughts around. That, my friends, is progress.

For example: I was meeting a totally awesome, amazing friend over the weekend for some much-needed girl time. I left my house with plenty of time to stop at an ATM and arrive about 15 minutes early so I could pick out my polish color. Then traffic happened. Like, epic Sunday afternoon out-of-nowhere traffic. It was bizarre - we were not moving more than 5 miles per hour on the highway. I texted my friend, who was fortunately on a different route and slightly ahead of me. I called the salon to tell them I was going to be late. The receptionist snootily asked me "Well... when do you THINK you will be there?" Usually, I would have responded very defensively. This time, I told him, "Well, sir... I have no control over what is happening in front of me, nor do I have any idea when the traffic will start moving again." He asked if I could get there within 20 minutes, and I calmly repeated "I have no control over what is happening in front of me. I will do my best to get there, but I cannot predict what will happen." The negative me would have told the guy he was an asshole and cancelled my appointment never to return again. Instead... I was nice. Yes, I was late but they did wait for me. Our pedicures were slightly rushed but we still got to spend time together and then have lunch and gossip more.

I am really doing what I can to cease the rude, bitchy inner me who comes out when I lose patience. I have to accept that there are certain things that are beyond my control and stop stressing about it. For instance... TRAFFIC. I can't do anything about what goes on in front of me, so I can't get too anxious about being late for something if I know I have done what I could to be early or on time (I am always at least 15 minutes early for everything... one of those OCD things).

I am a much happier person when I stop listening to that negative inner voice. I even went shopping one day, and at least 3 women stopped me in Macy's to compliment either my hair, my makeup, or ask me for style advice. It was so flattering, and awesome because that NEVER happened to me before. If I am in one of my negative mindsets, I am totally unapproachable and keep my head down. Happy me walks with pride, I own it, and apparently I look like a nice enough person for strangers to come up to me. I even find that I am dressing better when I'm just running errands on the weekend. No yoga pants and schleppy hoodie, but actual clothes that I wear to work.

So, my homework for this month is to stop relying on outside factors to make me happy. I have to figure out how to just BE happy without relying on compliments, gifts, money, or anything else to make me happy. When I'm happy, good things happen. I strongly recommend it... it's incredible how much a little perspective adjustment can change your whole world if you let it.

A little motivation is all it takes...

The past month has been... well... CHALLENGING. Emotionally, physically, and mentally. My husband had quite a health scare, and luckily he is going to be fine. I had to play the role of "rock," which was weird for me, because usually I'm the one with the health crises and he's the calm, cool, and collective one. Trying to hold it all together, and not let him see my concern did play with my head a lot. Half of me wanted to focus on my diet, nutrition, and weight loss so I could be healthy enough to care for him in the event he needed care; but the other half... the wicked bitch... she was the one who told me that candy, cake, cookies, and ice cream would solve my problems.


Guess who won?


I gained a total of four pounds during my emotional breakdown, and I deserved to gain more than that. Luckily, I did not - which was a good thing. I' ve lost half of the weight I gained back, and am getting myself refocused, rejuvenated, and remotivated to keep moving South on the Scale.

Yes, the scale and I had filed for divorce due to irreconcilable differences some time ago, but I just couldn't let it go. I am consciously using the scale as a TOOL and not a WEAPON. I can monitor my daily food intake and activity using my BodyMedia Fit device, and I am now looking at the scale to measure what I have done during the day to see how it impacts my progress. Two weeks in, and I'm down 2 pounds. Not bad, right?

My next challenge is a friend and I have a contest going... we set an end date and showed each other our starting weights. We have to keep it honest because too many times I've been part of "biggest loser" contests where nobody showed each other their true statistics (whether it was online or in person, it didn't matter). It was slightly humiliating to show another woman my weight, especially when she is fabulous (and weighs my GOAL weight...) but the point of the exercise is that we are going to work together, support each other, and report back weekly. Whoever loses the highest percentage by the end of the 3 months - IN A HEALTHY FASHION - she's on WW and I'm on JC - the winner will get a pedicure.

I'm also starting to figure out a few things about myself. I am going to an Open House tomorrow night to check out a school for estheticians. What's that, you ask? Well, if you have to ask... skin care, makeup, and other spa-related services. I find that I am asked almost on a daily basis about makeup, skincare, and clothes. I *love* to help people feel better about themselves - I learned that while I was working at the store last summer. The best experiences I had were when a woman came in, looking sad and feeling bad about how she thought she looked, and after I got done with her the smile she wore was immeasurable. Sometimes she didn't buy anything, but how she saw herself after I got done with her... amazing. I loved that warm glowy feeling of being able to help someone's self esteem. I want to be able to do that more, maybe because I didn't have that "person" when I was younger so I had to figure it out myself. But, self esteem is so important in how you see the world and how the world sees you.

So... I'm looking into getting licensed and maybe it will turn into a new career, maybe it will be a weekend thing... I don't know. All I know is that I am actually excited about a possibility, which is something I haven't had in a very long time. Work should be something you love doing, and not just something to pay the bills. I am now at the age where I want to do something that MEANS something. Yes, I still have the bills to pay but I also have more options available to me.

We'll see.

Image is everything

...BODY image, that is.

The way you see yourself? Nobody sees the same thing that you do. The so-called gigantic pimple on your forehead? Nope, they aren't staring at it. The dimples on your thighs? Nope, not looking at that either.

What you see - what you choose to focus on? It's not important to anyone else but you.

Everyone has flaws, it's what makes us individuals. It makes each of us unique. It makes us SPECIAL. Yup. I said it. We are special. *I* am special.

I spent a great deal of time speaking with my therapist about my negative self-image last week. She gave me homework... I LOVE the homework assignments she gives me. It always helps me to change my perspective on things. But I guess that's why I pay her the big bucks... she knows what she's talking about.

My homework was to ignore the negative self-talk, and focus on more positive things. Stop fretting about what my husband thinks when he sees me wearing shorts to bed, don't obsess over "what everyone is looking at," and only focus on what makes me happy. And you know what? IT'S WORKING. If I focus on what makes *me* feel good, and ignore that negative voice in my head, the one that has been there since childhood that worries about the people who are supposedly watching my every move and judging me... I'm actually a pretty happy girl.

If I don't feel comfortable in an outfit to wear to work, I'll pick something else. If I start to hear a voice in my head telling me that if I eat something it will make me fat... I turn the voice off and ask myself if I really want to eat that something. If I turn the question around and ask myself how I will FEEL after eating that something... I will listen to the answer. If I know it's something that will make me feel lousy afterwards, I will choose not to eat it. But if it's something magically delicious? I may indulge. NOT binge. And I'm not going to think about what someone else thinks if I do eat that something, because it's my decision and has nothing to do with them.

Yes, image is everything. How I see myself does reflect on how everyone else perceives me. If I see myself as a failure, nobody is going to see me as a success story. If I see myself as beautiful, it will exude and people will see the beauty that is inside me. The same for you - you need to FEEL and BELIEVE what is inside of you, and stop listening to the negative demons that we all have. Focus on the positivity instead, you will be a better person for it.

It's not easy. TRUST me. I'm 40 years old and I'm still learning how to live with myself and find out who I am. BUT, anything that is worth it will take some hard work. And the physical stuff is actually easy compared to the emotional overhaul. I'm starting to see that it's worth it.

I'm worth it.

You're worth it.

Recognizing recovery... a milestone

This past week, my husband and I took his son to Washington, DC for a family vacation. It was our first family vacation since we got married, and originally it was just going to be the two of them. I decided sort of last minute to join them. I was nervous, because even though I have been in their lives for more than 6 years, I have always been intimidated by his youngest son. Why? I have no idea, but it probably had a lot to do with how quickly I bonded with his oldest son who left us abruptly to go live with his mother a few years ago. I had been afraid to get "too attached" to the younger son as a result.

In spite of my fears, I had a blast. It was an amazing trip, and the little guy really enjoyed spending time with me and his dad. It was definitely the best decision I could have ever made to go on this vacation - I actually don't feel like an outsider any more, I feel like we are a family. A real family. Which is all I ever wanted.

The fourth day we were in DC, the boys went to the White House early in the morning and left me to go do what I wanted to do. I took a shower, and within ten minutes... had to evacuate. Fire alarms. "Please evacuate immediately - a fire emergency has been reported in the building. Please evacuate immediately..." Really?! So, without panic, with nothing but calm - I grabbed my pocketbook, my shoes, and made sure I had my room key and walked down 14 flights of stairs with the other building occupants.

I didn't realize it until later, but I was CALM! I'm not afraid any more!! What an incredible feeling!! I was so happy when I had this epiphany, and I can't wait to share this with my therapist. I had told her about my insecurities about taking this vacation, and she gave me "homework." To do something for myself - and I did SEVERAL times. I met up with a friend for lunch; I went to the Pentagon Memorial, and then the Holocaust Museum and African Art Museum by myself... and it was great. But the best part of the vacation was bonding with my stepson. I am sitting at home, after my husband dropped him off at his house, and I actually miss him.

One of the things that I took away from this vacation was at the Women in Military Memorial at the Arlington National Cemetery. It was a video of a soldier, who was talking about her own fears and doubts. She said that if she could conquer her greatest fears, she could do anything she wanted. And she's right. You can find strength within yourself by overcoming those fears inside you, and you are a super hero.

"Why me?" and "Unbearable Lightness"

out of habit, I've avoided reading books about subject matter that hit too close to home. Since I began intensive therapy, I have been finding that hearing about others' struggles and learning how they overcame them help me to find strength to cope with my own (or sometimes recognize the strength I didn't realize I had). Recently, I read two such books. The first is called "Why Me?" by Sarah Burleson and the second is "Unbearable Lightness" by Portia de Rossi.

I found "Why Me?" while doing a search on the Barnes & Noble website one day when I was bored and looking for something stimulating to read instead of my usual fluffy chic lit books. I downloaded the book after reading the summary and a few reviews and it remained on my nook for several weeks before I could summon the courage to open it. Sarah was raised by a very unstable and abusive mother, and reading what she went through was all too familiar. While my mother did not cheat on my biological father, she was rarely "there" growing up. Sarah's struggle to connect with friends because of the shame and embarassment she felt was all too familiar. I read this book and sometimes felt like I was reading my own story, as Sarah still does not have a relationship with her own mother even as an adult, never quite able to forgive or move on from the brutality that she was subjected to as a child. I highly recommend this story to anyone who has ever lived through an abusive situation, as it will inspire you to want to be better than the situations we have no control over as children.

The second story I downloaded was "Unbearable Lightness" by Portia de Rossi. I came across this story while I was shopping with my husband one Saturday night. We often browse through the aisles of the book store after going out to dinner, and look for new releases and ideas to download to our nook devices. I read the back cover of this story, knowing Portia from her being on "Ally McBeal," "Arrested Development," and a few other shows. I had always found her fascinating, and knew that she was a celebrity wife. I had no idea how fucked up her own disease had been, nor did I even know she had struggled her whole life with a positive body image and eating disorders.

Portia's writing style is a little bit rough, and at times fragmented, but the story resonated. She was a young girl when she started modeling, and someone once told her she needed to work out, which set the mindset in motion that she was never good enough. By the time she hit mainstream Hollywood, she became obsessed with perfection. What was perfection? She didn't know, because she was only focusing on what she did not like about her physical body. Little did she realize, she was hiding who she truly was - a gay woman living in a very closed-minded world.

Reading how someone who everyone saw as stunningly beautiful, feeling that she was ugly, fat, and not good enough blew my mind. I've often felt that way about myself, and never believe it when people pay me compliments. Instead, rebuffing those compliments as someone "just being nice," or "trying to make me feel good." Portia's insecurities made me realize something - even the most beautiful women in the world have felt the same exact way I did. And she starved herself to attain something unknown, and then binged herself to twice her body weight to hide from the world.

As a woman who has starved herself to be noticed by people, and then binged myself to where I am now... I am starting to "get it." Bingeing is something I did to protect myself from hurt - and dealing with the trauma that triggered this whole thing has helped me to realize that. I still have my moments where I want to eat everything in sight (usually every 28 or so days), but I am actually recognizing it, writing it down, and owning it. And I'm losing weight. I'm recovering. Slowly, but I'm getting there.

We are all beautiful. We are all strong. And we are all worth it. YOU have to remind yourself of that, because there is nobody on this earth that can tell you that where you will actually believe it. YOU have to believe it yourself.

well, hello, negative Nelly

Ugh.

that's all i can say to sum up how i have felt over the past week. sinus infection, double ear infection (and yes, i AM 40 years old, i thought crap like this only happened to babies...). i have no motivation to do anything. i started my workout routine Tuesday night as planned with a beginner yoga class which was AWEsome. so relaxing, a little bit challenging because my muscles have not moved that way in a very long time.

the next night, i did a half hour on the dreadmill. SLOWly, but i did it while watching "Arrested Development" on my iPad, so time passed very quickly. later that night, i woke up from a sound(ish) sleep to a slamming headache in my sinuses. and i knew. i just knew. so i've been on antibiotics since Thursday and i feel like dog.

i've been craving carbs like it's my job because i have had zero energy, and i really think the antibiotics make me hungrier than normal. as a woman with PCOS, carbs are my mortal enemy. the scale definitely did not reward me yesterday; i was up 1.4 pounds. my first gain in 10 weeks and i was ready for it but still EXTREMELY discouraged.

i don't see the weight loss. nobody has commented on the weight loss. i don't FEEL the weight loss (energy level, clothes fitting differently, nothing). i'm very negative this week, and i know it's totally normal to feel some level of frustration at this stage, but i want to throw in the towel so desperately but i've spent so much time and (money) on this that i'm just stubborn enough not to quit.

i need to prove Negative Nelly wrong. i *can* do this. Nelly is not my friend. she tells me things that i would never say to another person, and she's downright nasty. she looks at me and points out my flaws. she tells me i can't accomplish something. she even tells me that i'm not worth it.

Hey, Nelly? Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

another week, and i'm at 15.8 pounds down.

i am Kristin. hear me ROAR!!!

Two months into my JC experience and i am 16 pounds down!

I have been feeling bad about not feeling that "it" feeling about losing weight, you know... that glowy, honeymoonie, energetic weight loss feeling. i haven't had that yet. it's been really discouraging, and i thought for sure that this wasn't working.

it. is. freakin. working!

NOT a lot of weight loss for people to start noticing it, but the numbers don't lie. my size 16 jeans are more comfortable and don't make it hard to sit down after i eat... my sweaters don't make me feel like i'm an elephant trying to wear a giraffe suit... i just feel better about how i look.

i still have such a long way to go, but i'm determined to get there. and when i do... i'm staying. this feels too good to want to leave and go back to the tired, unhealthy, wanting to hide in my shell, angry bitch that i have been for the past... oh, four years.

i still haven't found the old me hiding under all these layers of flab, but i'm starting to see evidence that she's in there somewhere. i'm going to find her and give her a hug for sticking by me even when i have been intolerable.

tomorrow - i start phase 2. EXERCISE. gulp. i am afraid of doing it, because i'm afraid of frustration - but i'm going to approach it the same way that i have been approaching my experience with Jenny. i'm just going to do it. eventually, i will feel the rewards.