my one bucket list

The confidence bucket list. Fuck.

Another tough topic! I don't have any confidence, like zero confidence. I might seem like I do because I am a wicked talented actress (haha, no SAG card for me) but today's writing prompt is to list ten things I want to HAVE CONFIDENCE to do. Like I said, I have no confidence in myself and I am my own worst enemy. My mother used to tell me that all the time, and as crazy as she was... SHE WAS RIGHT. Oh my head. Did I just say that she was actually right about something? Sigh... admitting is the first step, right?

SO... here goes:

1. Have sex nekkid.

2. Have sex nekkid with the lights on.

3. Wear shorts in public.

4. Wear a strapless dress (boobs, tattoos... so much to work with on this one).

5. To be able to tell someone (or someONES) they hurt me, and that I do not need them in my life.

6. Have a full-length picture of myself taken by a professional (it's one thing to do this in front of a mirror, but to have a professional actually photograph me is something I am so afraid of!).

7. Sing "Under the Bridge" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers at a Karaoke night with my friends. It is seriously THE ONLY SONG that I ever belt out when it plays on the radio that I believe I sound amazeballs singing.

8. I want to actually believe that I look beautiful when someone tells me that I am, and not second guess why they are saying it or wondering what they want from me.

9. Take a belly dancing class.

10. Go to school for aesthetics and learn to be a makeup artist/aesthetician. Not for a career, but because I really truly want to make women feel beautiful about themselves. I never did, and I think that it is something that we need as females - to feel good about ourselves, not just physically, but emotionally. I would show people what makes them beautiful and teach them how to enhance those things to make them glow like they do on the inside.

Yeah... corny, right?

But the sex stuff? IT IS SUCH A BIG FREAKING DEAL! I have had zero confidence in my body when my husband touches me, and I think that is a big part of what makes sex so much fun - letting go and just being in the moment. I can't do it.

Sigh. I think it's kind of interesting that my number ten is about helping give confidence to others when I don't have any myself. But I really do not want anyone to feel as shitty about themselves as I have. I'm so vain, I probably think this blog is about me.

Oh wait... IT IS. :) See what I did there?

Until next time... namaste.