A little motivation is all it takes...

The past month has been... well... CHALLENGING. Emotionally, physically, and mentally. My husband had quite a health scare, and luckily he is going to be fine. I had to play the role of "rock," which was weird for me, because usually I'm the one with the health crises and he's the calm, cool, and collective one. Trying to hold it all together, and not let him see my concern did play with my head a lot. Half of me wanted to focus on my diet, nutrition, and weight loss so I could be healthy enough to care for him in the event he needed care; but the other half... the wicked bitch... she was the one who told me that candy, cake, cookies, and ice cream would solve my problems.


Guess who won?


I gained a total of four pounds during my emotional breakdown, and I deserved to gain more than that. Luckily, I did not - which was a good thing. I' ve lost half of the weight I gained back, and am getting myself refocused, rejuvenated, and remotivated to keep moving South on the Scale.

Yes, the scale and I had filed for divorce due to irreconcilable differences some time ago, but I just couldn't let it go. I am consciously using the scale as a TOOL and not a WEAPON. I can monitor my daily food intake and activity using my BodyMedia Fit device, and I am now looking at the scale to measure what I have done during the day to see how it impacts my progress. Two weeks in, and I'm down 2 pounds. Not bad, right?

My next challenge is a friend and I have a contest going... we set an end date and showed each other our starting weights. We have to keep it honest because too many times I've been part of "biggest loser" contests where nobody showed each other their true statistics (whether it was online or in person, it didn't matter). It was slightly humiliating to show another woman my weight, especially when she is fabulous (and weighs my GOAL weight...) but the point of the exercise is that we are going to work together, support each other, and report back weekly. Whoever loses the highest percentage by the end of the 3 months - IN A HEALTHY FASHION - she's on WW and I'm on JC - the winner will get a pedicure.

I'm also starting to figure out a few things about myself. I am going to an Open House tomorrow night to check out a school for estheticians. What's that, you ask? Well, if you have to ask... skin care, makeup, and other spa-related services. I find that I am asked almost on a daily basis about makeup, skincare, and clothes. I *love* to help people feel better about themselves - I learned that while I was working at the store last summer. The best experiences I had were when a woman came in, looking sad and feeling bad about how she thought she looked, and after I got done with her the smile she wore was immeasurable. Sometimes she didn't buy anything, but how she saw herself after I got done with her... amazing. I loved that warm glowy feeling of being able to help someone's self esteem. I want to be able to do that more, maybe because I didn't have that "person" when I was younger so I had to figure it out myself. But, self esteem is so important in how you see the world and how the world sees you.

So... I'm looking into getting licensed and maybe it will turn into a new career, maybe it will be a weekend thing... I don't know. All I know is that I am actually excited about a possibility, which is something I haven't had in a very long time. Work should be something you love doing, and not just something to pay the bills. I am now at the age where I want to do something that MEANS something. Yes, I still have the bills to pay but I also have more options available to me.

We'll see.

finally, it's FRIDAY!

i am so glad today is Friday. this has been the LONGEST week ever. why is it that the holiday weeks always seem to draaaaggggggg ass? nobody was in the office today, so that made it even less interesting than usual. even Prada took the day off.

i thought i was doing OK on WW this week, but today i seem to have derailed slightly. i don't know what it is... i seem to do great and then my mind plays these games on me and i just revert back to my old habits. am i afraid of changing? i know i didn't like the attention i got before, when i was thinner and healthier, but honestly - if i am going to live more than 41 years on Earth, i gotta start taking better care of this chassis. i'll work out tomorrow and try to burn some of those extra points that i had tonight (i was 3 over my DPAs).

i look at myself naked and i feel hatred towards myself for getting this far out of control. and i am insanely jealous of my better looking friends and family. i actually almost got into an argument today with a friend of mine when i was showing her a picture of my (gorgeous!) cousin and her new baby. i said "i hate to admit this, but all of my relatives are this good looking." my friend said, "and you're no different," to which i replied, "naw... i'm average at best." i thought she was going to hit me. i really don't think i'm anything fabulous - i was never told i was when i was younger, and all the beautiful people were pointed out to me with the remark, "why can't you be more like that, Kristin?" gee, i dunno. maybe genetics had something to do with it? i was never good enough, never pretty enough, never smart enough and i have always compared myself to those people and wished i had what they did. i've known this for a long time, but you know what? it doesn't matter because i have a husband who seems to love me no matter what.

and that's a tough thing to accept. does he REALLY love me? how do i know he doesn't have a "thing" for somebody else? i've never had a boyfriend faithful to me, and i guess i expect that from my husband as well. i know the way those other guys were has NOTHING to do with him, but i can't help but carry that fear, doubt, and insecurity into this relationship. sigh... what to do, what to do... i can't win.

so, that's my insight on myself for the day... i got no cute anecdotes, nothing funny to talk about... just a lot of inner dialogue.