if beauty didn't matter...

I would probably not be as shallow as I am.

*THUD*

Yes, you read that correctly. I am shallow. I do judge people based on their appearance, I do compare myself to others CONSTANTLY, and I really do care about what people think about me. And it is all based on beauty and how I judge MYSELF.

The word beauty is so subjective. Is it a green leaf, Gisele Bundchen, or the sound of a child laughing? Everyone has a different definition, but I am going to go with the one that makes me so fucking vain. My physical appearance.

I wake up every morning, and hide my fat from my husband. I immediately go to my bathroom and brush my hair so I don't look like Broom Hilda. I get dressed before he comes upstairs so he cannot see my flaws. There are a LOT of them, so it takes a lot of effort to conceal.

Oh, doggies - you need a walk? Wait a minute, I have to put on my mascara before anyone sees me! The world would stop and the Zombie Apocalypse would begin if anyone saw me without makeup. Shit! No time for that? Sunglasses it is then, dear poochies!

If beauty did not matter, I would have so much more time to myself. I would also have a shit-ton of money and live in a much better house in a quiet neighborhood, and definitely with nicer furniture. I spend MAD, INSANE amounts of money on makeup, clothes, getting my hair done and roots colored, hair removal... you name it and I spend money on it.

I also spend so much time making myself look somewhat attractive, or at least minimally offensive, that I am probably missing out on a lot. At least two hours a day is devoted to makeup, clothes, and overall grooming and maintenance. Yeah... beauty is all-encompassing, time-sucking, and mentally draining.

If beauty did not matter... I would just focus on the me that is inside. The one who laughs, reads, enjoys taking in a Patriots' game, go out more with friends, and actually enjoy life. Because beauty DOES matter to me, I don't enjoy any of those things because I am just too fucking preoccupied with what all of you think.

And that's the truth.