i have been very open in the past about my health. a few years ago, i went to a gastroenterologist because i was having some bleeding issues, which i thought was nothing to be concerned about until i had a sigmoidoscopy and i saw a big, angry thing growing inside of my body. the doctor said "well, i don't like that..." and i was yelling "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" turns out, it was what they call an adenoma growing inside my lower colon and they had to do a colonoscopy to remove it, and found 8 more "friends" growing further up in my colon.
at 37 years old, it's highly unusual to have this kind of "activity" going on in your digestive tract so the doctors immediately took interest in my case. i have to go every year for a colonoscopy and they find stuff, remove it, and that's that. but they want to know WHY it's happening, and i guess what they should expect going forward. me, too, docs. ME, too.
yesterday, i had a consultation with a practice at Mass General who specializes in genetic gastro-intestinal cancers. we talked about my family history, we talked about my symptom history, and we talked about what to expect with the testing they are going to do (they took about a gallon of my blood and are sending it to some special laboratory in California to test for genetic markers and really complicated stuff). but that wasn't what struck me yesterday.
you see? i don't have cancer. yet. so i don't need to worry about my life. YET.
but as i was sitting in the waiting area, there was a couple - maybe in their 60s, also sitting there. the husband was stone silent, looking forward and staring at a painting of Motif #2 and the wife was just stroking his hand.
about five minutes passed, and a woman (doctor?) came out from the office area, found them, and started to talk. the man looked up and said "it's my life. i need to do what's best," and the doctor started to talk about chemotherapy protocol, how often he would need to come in for chemo, and how often he needed to visit with the doctor in between rounds of chemo.
i sat there, absolutely stunned that they were having this intensely personal conversation right in front of me, but then i realized. the man had just been given a pretty bad diagnosis, and had walked out of the doctor's office. his wife coaxed him to sit down in the waiting area to "cool off" a bit, and that was where the doctor found them. rather than try to convince him to go back to that unpleasant room where he had just been given some bad news, she made a judgment call to talk to him out there in a non-threatening environment.
i sat there, wanting to cry for this man and his wife. what they are going through? is exactly what i fear most. i do not want to have to have this kind of a conversation with a doctor, and i especially do not want to have this kind of a conversation with my husband. it was like i was meant to witness this whole interchange, because i suddenly felt like i HAD to find out what's going on inside my body so that i can do what i can PROACTIVELY to fight. there is a strong possibility that i have what is called Lynch Syndrome, which is a genetic defect (thanks to both my maternal and paternal genes) that causes colon, ovarian, uterine, and stomach cancers in combination with one another.
what does that mean? i am going to be under a microscope. i would rather face the unknown with as much armour as i can summon - and awareness and early detection is really my only hope. colon cancer is one of the most curable forms of cancer, when it is CAUGHT EARLY. i will eat my broccoli (mother nature's little scrub brushes), i will not smoke, and i will drink wine ONLY in moderation. i will not eat foods that are high in fat, and i will avoid red meat. these are what *I* can do to try to prevent what may be the inevitable. i won't know for another several months what the genetic testing shows, but... my guardian angel? your message was received LOUD and CLEAR. thank you, grammy. i know it's you. i love you.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Friday, June 1, 2012
from the outside, looking in
Have you ever had a friend who you look at, and you see how amazing, intelligent, and put together she is? But you know that she doesn't see the awesomeness that is what everyone else sees? The one who no matter what you tell her, she constantly deflects your compliments?
You say: "You look beautiful in that dress, darlin'!"
She responds: "No, I don't. I look fat."
You tell her: "That haircut really flatters your gorgeous cheekbones."
She claims: "Oh, my husband/boyfriend hates it."
You proclaim: "I wish I had your confidence when I walk into a room."
She says: "I wish he would pay more attention to me."
She's not a Debbie Downer, she is all of us. She is what everyone thinks she is when they look in the mirror. She doesn't mean to be negative, but she cannot ever look at herself in a positive light no matter what you tell her. We've all done it, we've all been there, but none of us have any idea how it affects our friends.
When you pay someone a compliment, you aren't being patronizing - you are telling someone sincerely that you admire them. When they respond with a negative, doubting comment... it makes you feel aggravated, like you have no credibility and maybe leaves you a little bit (or a lot) frustrated. Think about it.
When you tell someone that their dress makes them look beautiful and they respond with "I look fat," doesn't it make you second guess yourself? Like you're not being truthful because your friend doesn't believe anything you tell them? It sucks, doesn't it? Sure does. One of my achilles' heels is when someone questions my credibility (another is my intelligence, but that's a post for another time).
The irony here? I am guilty of deflecting ALL. THE. TIME. I don't even hear myself say it, but I am so used to beating the shit out of myself with my own inner dialogue, that when someone says something NICE to me, they can't possibly be telling me the truth. Now, I totally understand how it feels when you are trying to be encouraging to a friend and they constantly respond with doubtful, negative, bone-crushingly frustrating retorts.
I attention to myself when being paid a compliment, and if I can't think of something nice or positive to say (or even "thank you"), I will simply SMILE. Not saying anything when someone pays you a compliment is a hell of a lot nicer (to them) than deflecting it. Nobody wants to hear how much you hate yourself after they have just told you that you admire something about them! So SMILE. Eventually, those nice words they are saying to you? They become easier to accept, and something miraculous may happen. You may actually start BELIEVING the compliments.
TRUST ME.
Fuck the haters. You don't need to listen to those voices in your head, or even those in real life, who have nothing positive to say about yourself. YOU need to love who you are, and YOU are the only person who has control over how you feel. When you rely on someone else to provide you with value, you lose who you are. DON'T ever give someone else that kind of power over you.
You ARE amazing. You ARE intelligent. You ARE beautiful.
You're WELcome. <3
You say: "You look beautiful in that dress, darlin'!"
She responds: "No, I don't. I look fat."
You tell her: "That haircut really flatters your gorgeous cheekbones."
She claims: "Oh, my husband/boyfriend hates it."
You proclaim: "I wish I had your confidence when I walk into a room."
She says: "I wish he would pay more attention to me."
She's not a Debbie Downer, she is all of us. She is what everyone thinks she is when they look in the mirror. She doesn't mean to be negative, but she cannot ever look at herself in a positive light no matter what you tell her. We've all done it, we've all been there, but none of us have any idea how it affects our friends.
When you pay someone a compliment, you aren't being patronizing - you are telling someone sincerely that you admire them. When they respond with a negative, doubting comment... it makes you feel aggravated, like you have no credibility and maybe leaves you a little bit (or a lot) frustrated. Think about it.
When you tell someone that their dress makes them look beautiful and they respond with "I look fat," doesn't it make you second guess yourself? Like you're not being truthful because your friend doesn't believe anything you tell them? It sucks, doesn't it? Sure does. One of my achilles' heels is when someone questions my credibility (another is my intelligence, but that's a post for another time).
The irony here? I am guilty of deflecting ALL. THE. TIME. I don't even hear myself say it, but I am so used to beating the shit out of myself with my own inner dialogue, that when someone says something NICE to me, they can't possibly be telling me the truth. Now, I totally understand how it feels when you are trying to be encouraging to a friend and they constantly respond with doubtful, negative, bone-crushingly frustrating retorts.
I attention to myself when being paid a compliment, and if I can't think of something nice or positive to say (or even "thank you"), I will simply SMILE. Not saying anything when someone pays you a compliment is a hell of a lot nicer (to them) than deflecting it. Nobody wants to hear how much you hate yourself after they have just told you that you admire something about them! So SMILE. Eventually, those nice words they are saying to you? They become easier to accept, and something miraculous may happen. You may actually start BELIEVING the compliments.
TRUST ME.
Fuck the haters. You don't need to listen to those voices in your head, or even those in real life, who have nothing positive to say about yourself. YOU need to love who you are, and YOU are the only person who has control over how you feel. When you rely on someone else to provide you with value, you lose who you are. DON'T ever give someone else that kind of power over you.
You ARE amazing. You ARE intelligent. You ARE beautiful.
You're WELcome. <3
Thursday, April 26, 2012
it's an inside job
Yes, it's an inside job.
You have to be happy... TRULY happy inside. You can't rely on other factors, people, places, things to make you happy. YOU have to make yourself happy. Things happen when you are a happy, good person. People want to be around you. People appreciate things. People want to do things FOR you. Nobody wants to be around the sad sack who is having a pity party of one. They want to be happy. Happy people attract other happy people.
It's all about perspective. Or introspective (is that even a word?). My homework assignment last month was to stop the negative self-talk. While it wasn't a whopping success, I have become more AWARE when I am doing it and I make an effort to turn those negative thoughts around. That, my friends, is progress.
For example: I was meeting a totally awesome, amazing friend over the weekend for some much-needed girl time. I left my house with plenty of time to stop at an ATM and arrive about 15 minutes early so I could pick out my polish color. Then traffic happened. Like, epic Sunday afternoon out-of-nowhere traffic. It was bizarre - we were not moving more than 5 miles per hour on the highway. I texted my friend, who was fortunately on a different route and slightly ahead of me. I called the salon to tell them I was going to be late. The receptionist snootily asked me "Well... when do you THINK you will be there?" Usually, I would have responded very defensively. This time, I told him, "Well, sir... I have no control over what is happening in front of me, nor do I have any idea when the traffic will start moving again." He asked if I could get there within 20 minutes, and I calmly repeated "I have no control over what is happening in front of me. I will do my best to get there, but I cannot predict what will happen." The negative me would have told the guy he was an asshole and cancelled my appointment never to return again. Instead... I was nice. Yes, I was late but they did wait for me. Our pedicures were slightly rushed but we still got to spend time together and then have lunch and gossip more.
I am really doing what I can to cease the rude, bitchy inner me who comes out when I lose patience. I have to accept that there are certain things that are beyond my control and stop stressing about it. For instance... TRAFFIC. I can't do anything about what goes on in front of me, so I can't get too anxious about being late for something if I know I have done what I could to be early or on time (I am always at least 15 minutes early for everything... one of those OCD things).
I am a much happier person when I stop listening to that negative inner voice. I even went shopping one day, and at least 3 women stopped me in Macy's to compliment either my hair, my makeup, or ask me for style advice. It was so flattering, and awesome because that NEVER happened to me before. If I am in one of my negative mindsets, I am totally unapproachable and keep my head down. Happy me walks with pride, I own it, and apparently I look like a nice enough person for strangers to come up to me. I even find that I am dressing better when I'm just running errands on the weekend. No yoga pants and schleppy hoodie, but actual clothes that I wear to work.
So, my homework for this month is to stop relying on outside factors to make me happy. I have to figure out how to just BE happy without relying on compliments, gifts, money, or anything else to make me happy. When I'm happy, good things happen. I strongly recommend it... it's incredible how much a little perspective adjustment can change your whole world if you let it.
You have to be happy... TRULY happy inside. You can't rely on other factors, people, places, things to make you happy. YOU have to make yourself happy. Things happen when you are a happy, good person. People want to be around you. People appreciate things. People want to do things FOR you. Nobody wants to be around the sad sack who is having a pity party of one. They want to be happy. Happy people attract other happy people.
It's all about perspective. Or introspective (is that even a word?). My homework assignment last month was to stop the negative self-talk. While it wasn't a whopping success, I have become more AWARE when I am doing it and I make an effort to turn those negative thoughts around. That, my friends, is progress.
For example: I was meeting a totally awesome, amazing friend over the weekend for some much-needed girl time. I left my house with plenty of time to stop at an ATM and arrive about 15 minutes early so I could pick out my polish color. Then traffic happened. Like, epic Sunday afternoon out-of-nowhere traffic. It was bizarre - we were not moving more than 5 miles per hour on the highway. I texted my friend, who was fortunately on a different route and slightly ahead of me. I called the salon to tell them I was going to be late. The receptionist snootily asked me "Well... when do you THINK you will be there?" Usually, I would have responded very defensively. This time, I told him, "Well, sir... I have no control over what is happening in front of me, nor do I have any idea when the traffic will start moving again." He asked if I could get there within 20 minutes, and I calmly repeated "I have no control over what is happening in front of me. I will do my best to get there, but I cannot predict what will happen." The negative me would have told the guy he was an asshole and cancelled my appointment never to return again. Instead... I was nice. Yes, I was late but they did wait for me. Our pedicures were slightly rushed but we still got to spend time together and then have lunch and gossip more.
I am really doing what I can to cease the rude, bitchy inner me who comes out when I lose patience. I have to accept that there are certain things that are beyond my control and stop stressing about it. For instance... TRAFFIC. I can't do anything about what goes on in front of me, so I can't get too anxious about being late for something if I know I have done what I could to be early or on time (I am always at least 15 minutes early for everything... one of those OCD things).
I am a much happier person when I stop listening to that negative inner voice. I even went shopping one day, and at least 3 women stopped me in Macy's to compliment either my hair, my makeup, or ask me for style advice. It was so flattering, and awesome because that NEVER happened to me before. If I am in one of my negative mindsets, I am totally unapproachable and keep my head down. Happy me walks with pride, I own it, and apparently I look like a nice enough person for strangers to come up to me. I even find that I am dressing better when I'm just running errands on the weekend. No yoga pants and schleppy hoodie, but actual clothes that I wear to work.
So, my homework for this month is to stop relying on outside factors to make me happy. I have to figure out how to just BE happy without relying on compliments, gifts, money, or anything else to make me happy. When I'm happy, good things happen. I strongly recommend it... it's incredible how much a little perspective adjustment can change your whole world if you let it.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
A little motivation is all it takes...
The past month has been... well... CHALLENGING. Emotionally, physically, and mentally. My husband had quite a health scare, and luckily he is going to be fine. I had to play the role of "rock," which was weird for me, because usually I'm the one with the health crises and he's the calm, cool, and collective one. Trying to hold it all together, and not let him see my concern did play with my head a lot. Half of me wanted to focus on my diet, nutrition, and weight loss so I could be healthy enough to care for him in the event he needed care; but the other half... the wicked bitch... she was the one who told me that candy, cake, cookies, and ice cream would solve my problems.
Guess who won?
I gained a total of four pounds during my emotional breakdown, and I deserved to gain more than that. Luckily, I did not - which was a good thing. I' ve lost half of the weight I gained back, and am getting myself refocused, rejuvenated, and remotivated to keep moving South on the Scale.
Yes, the scale and I had filed for divorce due to irreconcilable differences some time ago, but I just couldn't let it go. I am consciously using the scale as a TOOL and not a WEAPON. I can monitor my daily food intake and activity using my BodyMedia Fit device, and I am now looking at the scale to measure what I have done during the day to see how it impacts my progress. Two weeks in, and I'm down 2 pounds. Not bad, right?
My next challenge is a friend and I have a contest going... we set an end date and showed each other our starting weights. We have to keep it honest because too many times I've been part of "biggest loser" contests where nobody showed each other their true statistics (whether it was online or in person, it didn't matter). It was slightly humiliating to show another woman my weight, especially when she is fabulous (and weighs my GOAL weight...) but the point of the exercise is that we are going to work together, support each other, and report back weekly. Whoever loses the highest percentage by the end of the 3 months - IN A HEALTHY FASHION - she's on WW and I'm on JC - the winner will get a pedicure.
I'm also starting to figure out a few things about myself. I am going to an Open House tomorrow night to check out a school for estheticians. What's that, you ask? Well, if you have to ask... skin care, makeup, and other spa-related services. I find that I am asked almost on a daily basis about makeup, skincare, and clothes. I *love* to help people feel better about themselves - I learned that while I was working at the store last summer. The best experiences I had were when a woman came in, looking sad and feeling bad about how she thought she looked, and after I got done with her the smile she wore was immeasurable. Sometimes she didn't buy anything, but how she saw herself after I got done with her... amazing. I loved that warm glowy feeling of being able to help someone's self esteem. I want to be able to do that more, maybe because I didn't have that "person" when I was younger so I had to figure it out myself. But, self esteem is so important in how you see the world and how the world sees you.
So... I'm looking into getting licensed and maybe it will turn into a new career, maybe it will be a weekend thing... I don't know. All I know is that I am actually excited about a possibility, which is something I haven't had in a very long time. Work should be something you love doing, and not just something to pay the bills. I am now at the age where I want to do something that MEANS something. Yes, I still have the bills to pay but I also have more options available to me.
We'll see.
Guess who won?
I gained a total of four pounds during my emotional breakdown, and I deserved to gain more than that. Luckily, I did not - which was a good thing. I' ve lost half of the weight I gained back, and am getting myself refocused, rejuvenated, and remotivated to keep moving South on the Scale.
Yes, the scale and I had filed for divorce due to irreconcilable differences some time ago, but I just couldn't let it go. I am consciously using the scale as a TOOL and not a WEAPON. I can monitor my daily food intake and activity using my BodyMedia Fit device, and I am now looking at the scale to measure what I have done during the day to see how it impacts my progress. Two weeks in, and I'm down 2 pounds. Not bad, right?
My next challenge is a friend and I have a contest going... we set an end date and showed each other our starting weights. We have to keep it honest because too many times I've been part of "biggest loser" contests where nobody showed each other their true statistics (whether it was online or in person, it didn't matter). It was slightly humiliating to show another woman my weight, especially when she is fabulous (and weighs my GOAL weight...) but the point of the exercise is that we are going to work together, support each other, and report back weekly. Whoever loses the highest percentage by the end of the 3 months - IN A HEALTHY FASHION - she's on WW and I'm on JC - the winner will get a pedicure.
I'm also starting to figure out a few things about myself. I am going to an Open House tomorrow night to check out a school for estheticians. What's that, you ask? Well, if you have to ask... skin care, makeup, and other spa-related services. I find that I am asked almost on a daily basis about makeup, skincare, and clothes. I *love* to help people feel better about themselves - I learned that while I was working at the store last summer. The best experiences I had were when a woman came in, looking sad and feeling bad about how she thought she looked, and after I got done with her the smile she wore was immeasurable. Sometimes she didn't buy anything, but how she saw herself after I got done with her... amazing. I loved that warm glowy feeling of being able to help someone's self esteem. I want to be able to do that more, maybe because I didn't have that "person" when I was younger so I had to figure it out myself. But, self esteem is so important in how you see the world and how the world sees you.
So... I'm looking into getting licensed and maybe it will turn into a new career, maybe it will be a weekend thing... I don't know. All I know is that I am actually excited about a possibility, which is something I haven't had in a very long time. Work should be something you love doing, and not just something to pay the bills. I am now at the age where I want to do something that MEANS something. Yes, I still have the bills to pay but I also have more options available to me.
We'll see.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Image is everything
...BODY image, that is.
The way you see yourself? Nobody sees the same thing that you do. The so-called gigantic pimple on your forehead? Nope, they aren't staring at it. The dimples on your thighs? Nope, not looking at that either.
What you see - what you choose to focus on? It's not important to anyone else but you.
Everyone has flaws, it's what makes us individuals. It makes each of us unique. It makes us SPECIAL. Yup. I said it. We are special. *I* am special.
I spent a great deal of time speaking with my therapist about my negative self-image last week. She gave me homework... I LOVE the homework assignments she gives me. It always helps me to change my perspective on things. But I guess that's why I pay her the big bucks... she knows what she's talking about.
My homework was to ignore the negative self-talk, and focus on more positive things. Stop fretting about what my husband thinks when he sees me wearing shorts to bed, don't obsess over "what everyone is looking at," and only focus on what makes me happy. And you know what? IT'S WORKING. If I focus on what makes *me* feel good, and ignore that negative voice in my head, the one that has been there since childhood that worries about the people who are supposedly watching my every move and judging me... I'm actually a pretty happy girl.
If I don't feel comfortable in an outfit to wear to work, I'll pick something else. If I start to hear a voice in my head telling me that if I eat something it will make me fat... I turn the voice off and ask myself if I really want to eat that something. If I turn the question around and ask myself how I will FEEL after eating that something... I will listen to the answer. If I know it's something that will make me feel lousy afterwards, I will choose not to eat it. But if it's something magically delicious? I may indulge. NOT binge. And I'm not going to think about what someone else thinks if I do eat that something, because it's my decision and has nothing to do with them.
Yes, image is everything. How I see myself does reflect on how everyone else perceives me. If I see myself as a failure, nobody is going to see me as a success story. If I see myself as beautiful, it will exude and people will see the beauty that is inside me. The same for you - you need to FEEL and BELIEVE what is inside of you, and stop listening to the negative demons that we all have. Focus on the positivity instead, you will be a better person for it.
It's not easy. TRUST me. I'm 40 years old and I'm still learning how to live with myself and find out who I am. BUT, anything that is worth it will take some hard work. And the physical stuff is actually easy compared to the emotional overhaul. I'm starting to see that it's worth it.
I'm worth it.
You're worth it.
The way you see yourself? Nobody sees the same thing that you do. The so-called gigantic pimple on your forehead? Nope, they aren't staring at it. The dimples on your thighs? Nope, not looking at that either.
What you see - what you choose to focus on? It's not important to anyone else but you.
Everyone has flaws, it's what makes us individuals. It makes each of us unique. It makes us SPECIAL. Yup. I said it. We are special. *I* am special.
I spent a great deal of time speaking with my therapist about my negative self-image last week. She gave me homework... I LOVE the homework assignments she gives me. It always helps me to change my perspective on things. But I guess that's why I pay her the big bucks... she knows what she's talking about.
My homework was to ignore the negative self-talk, and focus on more positive things. Stop fretting about what my husband thinks when he sees me wearing shorts to bed, don't obsess over "what everyone is looking at," and only focus on what makes me happy. And you know what? IT'S WORKING. If I focus on what makes *me* feel good, and ignore that negative voice in my head, the one that has been there since childhood that worries about the people who are supposedly watching my every move and judging me... I'm actually a pretty happy girl.
If I don't feel comfortable in an outfit to wear to work, I'll pick something else. If I start to hear a voice in my head telling me that if I eat something it will make me fat... I turn the voice off and ask myself if I really want to eat that something. If I turn the question around and ask myself how I will FEEL after eating that something... I will listen to the answer. If I know it's something that will make me feel lousy afterwards, I will choose not to eat it. But if it's something magically delicious? I may indulge. NOT binge. And I'm not going to think about what someone else thinks if I do eat that something, because it's my decision and has nothing to do with them.
Yes, image is everything. How I see myself does reflect on how everyone else perceives me. If I see myself as a failure, nobody is going to see me as a success story. If I see myself as beautiful, it will exude and people will see the beauty that is inside me. The same for you - you need to FEEL and BELIEVE what is inside of you, and stop listening to the negative demons that we all have. Focus on the positivity instead, you will be a better person for it.
It's not easy. TRUST me. I'm 40 years old and I'm still learning how to live with myself and find out who I am. BUT, anything that is worth it will take some hard work. And the physical stuff is actually easy compared to the emotional overhaul. I'm starting to see that it's worth it.
I'm worth it.
You're worth it.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Recognizing recovery... a milestone
This past week, my husband and I took his son to Washington, DC for a family vacation. It was our first family vacation since we got married, and originally it was just going to be the two of them. I decided sort of last minute to join them. I was nervous, because even though I have been in their lives for more than 6 years, I have always been intimidated by his youngest son. Why? I have no idea, but it probably had a lot to do with how quickly I bonded with his oldest son who left us abruptly to go live with his mother a few years ago. I had been afraid to get "too attached" to the younger son as a result.
In spite of my fears, I had a blast. It was an amazing trip, and the little guy really enjoyed spending time with me and his dad. It was definitely the best decision I could have ever made to go on this vacation - I actually don't feel like an outsider any more, I feel like we are a family. A real family. Which is all I ever wanted.
The fourth day we were in DC, the boys went to the White House early in the morning and left me to go do what I wanted to do. I took a shower, and within ten minutes... had to evacuate. Fire alarms. "Please evacuate immediately - a fire emergency has been reported in the building. Please evacuate immediately..." Really?! So, without panic, with nothing but calm - I grabbed my pocketbook, my shoes, and made sure I had my room key and walked down 14 flights of stairs with the other building occupants.
I didn't realize it until later, but I was CALM! I'm not afraid any more!! What an incredible feeling!! I was so happy when I had this epiphany, and I can't wait to share this with my therapist. I had told her about my insecurities about taking this vacation, and she gave me "homework." To do something for myself - and I did SEVERAL times. I met up with a friend for lunch; I went to the Pentagon Memorial, and then the Holocaust Museum and African Art Museum by myself... and it was great. But the best part of the vacation was bonding with my stepson. I am sitting at home, after my husband dropped him off at his house, and I actually miss him.
One of the things that I took away from this vacation was at the Women in Military Memorial at the Arlington National Cemetery. It was a video of a soldier, who was talking about her own fears and doubts. She said that if she could conquer her greatest fears, she could do anything she wanted. And she's right. You can find strength within yourself by overcoming those fears inside you, and you are a super hero.
In spite of my fears, I had a blast. It was an amazing trip, and the little guy really enjoyed spending time with me and his dad. It was definitely the best decision I could have ever made to go on this vacation - I actually don't feel like an outsider any more, I feel like we are a family. A real family. Which is all I ever wanted.
The fourth day we were in DC, the boys went to the White House early in the morning and left me to go do what I wanted to do. I took a shower, and within ten minutes... had to evacuate. Fire alarms. "Please evacuate immediately - a fire emergency has been reported in the building. Please evacuate immediately..." Really?! So, without panic, with nothing but calm - I grabbed my pocketbook, my shoes, and made sure I had my room key and walked down 14 flights of stairs with the other building occupants.
I didn't realize it until later, but I was CALM! I'm not afraid any more!! What an incredible feeling!! I was so happy when I had this epiphany, and I can't wait to share this with my therapist. I had told her about my insecurities about taking this vacation, and she gave me "homework." To do something for myself - and I did SEVERAL times. I met up with a friend for lunch; I went to the Pentagon Memorial, and then the Holocaust Museum and African Art Museum by myself... and it was great. But the best part of the vacation was bonding with my stepson. I am sitting at home, after my husband dropped him off at his house, and I actually miss him.
One of the things that I took away from this vacation was at the Women in Military Memorial at the Arlington National Cemetery. It was a video of a soldier, who was talking about her own fears and doubts. She said that if she could conquer her greatest fears, she could do anything she wanted. And she's right. You can find strength within yourself by overcoming those fears inside you, and you are a super hero.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
"Why me?" and "Unbearable Lightness"
out of habit, I've avoided reading books about subject matter that hit too close to home. Since I began intensive therapy, I have been finding that hearing about others' struggles and learning how they overcame them help me to find strength to cope with my own (or sometimes recognize the strength I didn't realize I had). Recently, I read two such books. The first is called "Why Me?" by Sarah Burleson and the second is "Unbearable Lightness" by Portia de Rossi.
I found "Why Me?" while doing a search on the Barnes & Noble website one day when I was bored and looking for something stimulating to read instead of my usual fluffy chic lit books. I downloaded the book after reading the summary and a few reviews and it remained on my nook for several weeks before I could summon the courage to open it. Sarah was raised by a very unstable and abusive mother, and reading what she went through was all too familiar. While my mother did not cheat on my biological father, she was rarely "there" growing up. Sarah's struggle to connect with friends because of the shame and embarassment she felt was all too familiar. I read this book and sometimes felt like I was reading my own story, as Sarah still does not have a relationship with her own mother even as an adult, never quite able to forgive or move on from the brutality that she was subjected to as a child. I highly recommend this story to anyone who has ever lived through an abusive situation, as it will inspire you to want to be better than the situations we have no control over as children.
The second story I downloaded was "Unbearable Lightness" by Portia de Rossi. I came across this story while I was shopping with my husband one Saturday night. We often browse through the aisles of the book store after going out to dinner, and look for new releases and ideas to download to our nook devices. I read the back cover of this story, knowing Portia from her being on "Ally McBeal," "Arrested Development," and a few other shows. I had always found her fascinating, and knew that she was a celebrity wife. I had no idea how fucked up her own disease had been, nor did I even know she had struggled her whole life with a positive body image and eating disorders.
Portia's writing style is a little bit rough, and at times fragmented, but the story resonated. She was a young girl when she started modeling, and someone once told her she needed to work out, which set the mindset in motion that she was never good enough. By the time she hit mainstream Hollywood, she became obsessed with perfection. What was perfection? She didn't know, because she was only focusing on what she did not like about her physical body. Little did she realize, she was hiding who she truly was - a gay woman living in a very closed-minded world.
Reading how someone who everyone saw as stunningly beautiful, feeling that she was ugly, fat, and not good enough blew my mind. I've often felt that way about myself, and never believe it when people pay me compliments. Instead, rebuffing those compliments as someone "just being nice," or "trying to make me feel good." Portia's insecurities made me realize something - even the most beautiful women in the world have felt the same exact way I did. And she starved herself to attain something unknown, and then binged herself to twice her body weight to hide from the world.
As a woman who has starved herself to be noticed by people, and then binged myself to where I am now... I am starting to "get it." Bingeing is something I did to protect myself from hurt - and dealing with the trauma that triggered this whole thing has helped me to realize that. I still have my moments where I want to eat everything in sight (usually every 28 or so days), but I am actually recognizing it, writing it down, and owning it. And I'm losing weight. I'm recovering. Slowly, but I'm getting there.
We are all beautiful. We are all strong. And we are all worth it. YOU have to remind yourself of that, because there is nobody on this earth that can tell you that where you will actually believe it. YOU have to believe it yourself.
I found "Why Me?" while doing a search on the Barnes & Noble website one day when I was bored and looking for something stimulating to read instead of my usual fluffy chic lit books. I downloaded the book after reading the summary and a few reviews and it remained on my nook for several weeks before I could summon the courage to open it. Sarah was raised by a very unstable and abusive mother, and reading what she went through was all too familiar. While my mother did not cheat on my biological father, she was rarely "there" growing up. Sarah's struggle to connect with friends because of the shame and embarassment she felt was all too familiar. I read this book and sometimes felt like I was reading my own story, as Sarah still does not have a relationship with her own mother even as an adult, never quite able to forgive or move on from the brutality that she was subjected to as a child. I highly recommend this story to anyone who has ever lived through an abusive situation, as it will inspire you to want to be better than the situations we have no control over as children.
The second story I downloaded was "Unbearable Lightness" by Portia de Rossi. I came across this story while I was shopping with my husband one Saturday night. We often browse through the aisles of the book store after going out to dinner, and look for new releases and ideas to download to our nook devices. I read the back cover of this story, knowing Portia from her being on "Ally McBeal," "Arrested Development," and a few other shows. I had always found her fascinating, and knew that she was a celebrity wife. I had no idea how fucked up her own disease had been, nor did I even know she had struggled her whole life with a positive body image and eating disorders.
Portia's writing style is a little bit rough, and at times fragmented, but the story resonated. She was a young girl when she started modeling, and someone once told her she needed to work out, which set the mindset in motion that she was never good enough. By the time she hit mainstream Hollywood, she became obsessed with perfection. What was perfection? She didn't know, because she was only focusing on what she did not like about her physical body. Little did she realize, she was hiding who she truly was - a gay woman living in a very closed-minded world.
Reading how someone who everyone saw as stunningly beautiful, feeling that she was ugly, fat, and not good enough blew my mind. I've often felt that way about myself, and never believe it when people pay me compliments. Instead, rebuffing those compliments as someone "just being nice," or "trying to make me feel good." Portia's insecurities made me realize something - even the most beautiful women in the world have felt the same exact way I did. And she starved herself to attain something unknown, and then binged herself to twice her body weight to hide from the world.
As a woman who has starved herself to be noticed by people, and then binged myself to where I am now... I am starting to "get it." Bingeing is something I did to protect myself from hurt - and dealing with the trauma that triggered this whole thing has helped me to realize that. I still have my moments where I want to eat everything in sight (usually every 28 or so days), but I am actually recognizing it, writing it down, and owning it. And I'm losing weight. I'm recovering. Slowly, but I'm getting there.
We are all beautiful. We are all strong. And we are all worth it. YOU have to remind yourself of that, because there is nobody on this earth that can tell you that where you will actually believe it. YOU have to believe it yourself.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
well, hello, negative Nelly
Ugh.
that's all i can say to sum up how i have felt over the past week. sinus infection, double ear infection (and yes, i AM 40 years old, i thought crap like this only happened to babies...). i have no motivation to do anything. i started my workout routine Tuesday night as planned with a beginner yoga class which was AWEsome. so relaxing, a little bit challenging because my muscles have not moved that way in a very long time.
the next night, i did a half hour on the dreadmill. SLOWly, but i did it while watching "Arrested Development" on my iPad, so time passed very quickly. later that night, i woke up from a sound(ish) sleep to a slamming headache in my sinuses. and i knew. i just knew. so i've been on antibiotics since Thursday and i feel like dog.
i've been craving carbs like it's my job because i have had zero energy, and i really think the antibiotics make me hungrier than normal. as a woman with PCOS, carbs are my mortal enemy. the scale definitely did not reward me yesterday; i was up 1.4 pounds. my first gain in 10 weeks and i was ready for it but still EXTREMELY discouraged.
i don't see the weight loss. nobody has commented on the weight loss. i don't FEEL the weight loss (energy level, clothes fitting differently, nothing). i'm very negative this week, and i know it's totally normal to feel some level of frustration at this stage, but i want to throw in the towel so desperately but i've spent so much time and (money) on this that i'm just stubborn enough not to quit.
i need to prove Negative Nelly wrong. i *can* do this. Nelly is not my friend. she tells me things that i would never say to another person, and she's downright nasty. she looks at me and points out my flaws. she tells me i can't accomplish something. she even tells me that i'm not worth it.
Hey, Nelly? Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
another week, and i'm at 15.8 pounds down.
that's all i can say to sum up how i have felt over the past week. sinus infection, double ear infection (and yes, i AM 40 years old, i thought crap like this only happened to babies...). i have no motivation to do anything. i started my workout routine Tuesday night as planned with a beginner yoga class which was AWEsome. so relaxing, a little bit challenging because my muscles have not moved that way in a very long time.
the next night, i did a half hour on the dreadmill. SLOWly, but i did it while watching "Arrested Development" on my iPad, so time passed very quickly. later that night, i woke up from a sound(ish) sleep to a slamming headache in my sinuses. and i knew. i just knew. so i've been on antibiotics since Thursday and i feel like dog.
i've been craving carbs like it's my job because i have had zero energy, and i really think the antibiotics make me hungrier than normal. as a woman with PCOS, carbs are my mortal enemy. the scale definitely did not reward me yesterday; i was up 1.4 pounds. my first gain in 10 weeks and i was ready for it but still EXTREMELY discouraged.
i don't see the weight loss. nobody has commented on the weight loss. i don't FEEL the weight loss (energy level, clothes fitting differently, nothing). i'm very negative this week, and i know it's totally normal to feel some level of frustration at this stage, but i want to throw in the towel so desperately but i've spent so much time and (money) on this that i'm just stubborn enough not to quit.
i need to prove Negative Nelly wrong. i *can* do this. Nelly is not my friend. she tells me things that i would never say to another person, and she's downright nasty. she looks at me and points out my flaws. she tells me i can't accomplish something. she even tells me that i'm not worth it.
Hey, Nelly? Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
another week, and i'm at 15.8 pounds down.
Monday, January 16, 2012
i am Kristin. hear me ROAR!!!
Two months into my JC experience and i am 16 pounds down!
I have been feeling bad about not feeling that "it" feeling about losing weight, you know... that glowy, honeymoonie, energetic weight loss feeling. i haven't had that yet. it's been really discouraging, and i thought for sure that this wasn't working.
it. is. freakin. working!
NOT a lot of weight loss for people to start noticing it, but the numbers don't lie. my size 16 jeans are more comfortable and don't make it hard to sit down after i eat... my sweaters don't make me feel like i'm an elephant trying to wear a giraffe suit... i just feel better about how i look.
i still have such a long way to go, but i'm determined to get there. and when i do... i'm staying. this feels too good to want to leave and go back to the tired, unhealthy, wanting to hide in my shell, angry bitch that i have been for the past... oh, four years.
i still haven't found the old me hiding under all these layers of flab, but i'm starting to see evidence that she's in there somewhere. i'm going to find her and give her a hug for sticking by me even when i have been intolerable.
tomorrow - i start phase 2. EXERCISE. gulp. i am afraid of doing it, because i'm afraid of frustration - but i'm going to approach it the same way that i have been approaching my experience with Jenny. i'm just going to do it. eventually, i will feel the rewards.
I have been feeling bad about not feeling that "it" feeling about losing weight, you know... that glowy, honeymoonie, energetic weight loss feeling. i haven't had that yet. it's been really discouraging, and i thought for sure that this wasn't working.
it. is. freakin. working!
NOT a lot of weight loss for people to start noticing it, but the numbers don't lie. my size 16 jeans are more comfortable and don't make it hard to sit down after i eat... my sweaters don't make me feel like i'm an elephant trying to wear a giraffe suit... i just feel better about how i look.
i still have such a long way to go, but i'm determined to get there. and when i do... i'm staying. this feels too good to want to leave and go back to the tired, unhealthy, wanting to hide in my shell, angry bitch that i have been for the past... oh, four years.
i still haven't found the old me hiding under all these layers of flab, but i'm starting to see evidence that she's in there somewhere. i'm going to find her and give her a hug for sticking by me even when i have been intolerable.
tomorrow - i start phase 2. EXERCISE. gulp. i am afraid of doing it, because i'm afraid of frustration - but i'm going to approach it the same way that i have been approaching my experience with Jenny. i'm just going to do it. eventually, i will feel the rewards.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Great apps...
Stress management has been my focus the past couple of weeks. (shocking, right?)
i found a couple of really great apps in the iTunes store that have really helped me to tone down the "ugly" feelings, the "dark clouds," and fleeting thoughts.
1. Stress Free - this app has a guided meditation that is daily, for a minimum of 3 weeks. The "coach," Andrew Johnson, has a kind of lilty accent that reminds me of Sean Connery (one of my old man crushes) and he keeps me engaged. I have not done the full 3 weeks yet, but i do find that the breathing exercises are helpful.
2. RELAX Stress & Anxiety Relief - this app has different levels of breathing exercises, for different durations of time depending on your schedule. This app is great for those moments you are having a little anxiety or when you need some help falling asleep. There are exercises for beginners, intermediate, and more advanced users.
3. PTSD Coach - my therapist actually recommended this one for me to try. You customize your "safe" places, pictures, songs, and you take a quiz to assess your level of stress. Developed by the department of veteran affairs for soldiers returning from war, this app has great tools, along with therapy, to manage your PTSD. Best of all - IT'S FREE!
4. Bejeweled Blitz - OK, so it's just a game, but it really does make you focus on the task at hand and when you turn the sound off, it really does help you ease out of whatever is preoccupying your mind. Sometimes, that's all we need... just to get out of our head.
And those are my top four suggestions. I am going to look at other apps to see what else is out there, but as a beginner in trying some homeopathic/yogic/nonstandard methods to get my stress levels under control these tools are pretty awesome.
As far as my PTSD is concerned, I haven't been as hyper vigilant about my fire aversion. I've been lighting candles around the house and not obsessing at night whether the embers are going to touch off a speck of dust into a towering inferno. Nor have I been calling municipalities, the Red Cross, other other agencies when there have been fires that have affected families in my community. I did read today about an apartment complex two towns away that lost an entire building containing 10 apartments, that resulted in another building being evacuated indefinitely from smoke damage - and I want to donate some extra furniture that the hubi and I have been storing in the garage. Helps me by helping free up the space in my garage for my car, but it also helps them by giving them something they clearly need. I'm not overextending myself by making financial contributions like I would want to under "normal" circumstances.
Wanting to help someone in need isn't a bad thing, right? I think anyone in this situation would want to do something to make a difference.
On my schedule for this week - I want to check out a women's only yoga class on Wednesday night. I've read a few reviews on Yelp! that make me want to give it a shot. I can't do hot yoga, and this studio is one of the few that still offers hatha yoga classes. I'm a little nervous, but excited at the same time. Namaste.
i found a couple of really great apps in the iTunes store that have really helped me to tone down the "ugly" feelings, the "dark clouds," and fleeting thoughts.
1. Stress Free - this app has a guided meditation that is daily, for a minimum of 3 weeks. The "coach," Andrew Johnson, has a kind of lilty accent that reminds me of Sean Connery (one of my old man crushes) and he keeps me engaged. I have not done the full 3 weeks yet, but i do find that the breathing exercises are helpful.
2. RELAX Stress & Anxiety Relief - this app has different levels of breathing exercises, for different durations of time depending on your schedule. This app is great for those moments you are having a little anxiety or when you need some help falling asleep. There are exercises for beginners, intermediate, and more advanced users.
3. PTSD Coach - my therapist actually recommended this one for me to try. You customize your "safe" places, pictures, songs, and you take a quiz to assess your level of stress. Developed by the department of veteran affairs for soldiers returning from war, this app has great tools, along with therapy, to manage your PTSD. Best of all - IT'S FREE!
4. Bejeweled Blitz - OK, so it's just a game, but it really does make you focus on the task at hand and when you turn the sound off, it really does help you ease out of whatever is preoccupying your mind. Sometimes, that's all we need... just to get out of our head.
And those are my top four suggestions. I am going to look at other apps to see what else is out there, but as a beginner in trying some homeopathic/yogic/nonstandard methods to get my stress levels under control these tools are pretty awesome.
As far as my PTSD is concerned, I haven't been as hyper vigilant about my fire aversion. I've been lighting candles around the house and not obsessing at night whether the embers are going to touch off a speck of dust into a towering inferno. Nor have I been calling municipalities, the Red Cross, other other agencies when there have been fires that have affected families in my community. I did read today about an apartment complex two towns away that lost an entire building containing 10 apartments, that resulted in another building being evacuated indefinitely from smoke damage - and I want to donate some extra furniture that the hubi and I have been storing in the garage. Helps me by helping free up the space in my garage for my car, but it also helps them by giving them something they clearly need. I'm not overextending myself by making financial contributions like I would want to under "normal" circumstances.
Wanting to help someone in need isn't a bad thing, right? I think anyone in this situation would want to do something to make a difference.
On my schedule for this week - I want to check out a women's only yoga class on Wednesday night. I've read a few reviews on Yelp! that make me want to give it a shot. I can't do hot yoga, and this studio is one of the few that still offers hatha yoga classes. I'm a little nervous, but excited at the same time. Namaste.
Monday, January 2, 2012
mind games already starting in the new year
I had an epic meltdown on Friday at work. EPIC. Like, I was yelling "You people are fucking CRAZY!" as I walked/stormed out the door. For some reason, I came back inside to thank the contractor who had been busting his ass for me throughout the move process, and the person who had set me off came into the room apparently looking for me. After screaming for what seemed like an eternity (probably only a total of 2 minutes), I calmed down. or at least I thought I had.
I left after speaking to my boss about all the negativity and toxicity that I had been listening to throughout the process, and how I hit my boiling point. He understood why I lost it, but quite honestly? The people who I yelled at were not the source of my frustration, I let it out on the wrong people as usual. Hey... at least this time I didn't kill a Swiffer Sweeper in the process.
I went to the supermarket and bought groceries for the hubi and then proceeded to the dessert aisle. Oh, you sweet lovely little packages of goodness. I bought two different WW desserts and a container of fat-free Cool Whip. When I got home, I basically ate the entire container of Cool Whip and 2 WW desserts. Did I feel better? Nope, not even close.
Why do I try to eat my emotions away? I already felt guilty about losing my shit on a friend at the office, and then I proceeded to make myself feel even more guilty by eating crap. Stupid, completely illogical (thank you, Mr. Spock), and self-destructive. I'm so desperate to manage my stress that I downloaded 2 new apps for my iPhone that promise relaxation and stress management. We'll see. At the very least, they will distract me from whatever is triggering my stress response.
This morning, I had my weekly weigh in at Jenny. I wanted to call and make up an excuse that I couldn't make it this morning because i JUST KNEW it was going to be bad. Believe it or not... I actually lost 1.2 pounds this week. I know I could have done a lot better had I not completely blown it this weekend, but I still managed to lose. What the frick?! I didn't deserve to lose anything this week, yet my body still released over a pound of fat for me anyways.
Week 8 of the Jenny experiment, and I am down 14.8 - SO close to 15 pounds!!
I can't wait to see my therapist this week so I can try to figure out how to manage my anger better. I am so tired of listening to negativity and taking it personally. Sigh... At least I recognize the error of my ways.
I left after speaking to my boss about all the negativity and toxicity that I had been listening to throughout the process, and how I hit my boiling point. He understood why I lost it, but quite honestly? The people who I yelled at were not the source of my frustration, I let it out on the wrong people as usual. Hey... at least this time I didn't kill a Swiffer Sweeper in the process.
I went to the supermarket and bought groceries for the hubi and then proceeded to the dessert aisle. Oh, you sweet lovely little packages of goodness. I bought two different WW desserts and a container of fat-free Cool Whip. When I got home, I basically ate the entire container of Cool Whip and 2 WW desserts. Did I feel better? Nope, not even close.
Why do I try to eat my emotions away? I already felt guilty about losing my shit on a friend at the office, and then I proceeded to make myself feel even more guilty by eating crap. Stupid, completely illogical (thank you, Mr. Spock), and self-destructive. I'm so desperate to manage my stress that I downloaded 2 new apps for my iPhone that promise relaxation and stress management. We'll see. At the very least, they will distract me from whatever is triggering my stress response.
This morning, I had my weekly weigh in at Jenny. I wanted to call and make up an excuse that I couldn't make it this morning because i JUST KNEW it was going to be bad. Believe it or not... I actually lost 1.2 pounds this week. I know I could have done a lot better had I not completely blown it this weekend, but I still managed to lose. What the frick?! I didn't deserve to lose anything this week, yet my body still released over a pound of fat for me anyways.
Week 8 of the Jenny experiment, and I am down 14.8 - SO close to 15 pounds!!
I can't wait to see my therapist this week so I can try to figure out how to manage my anger better. I am so tired of listening to negativity and taking it personally. Sigh... At least I recognize the error of my ways.
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