I was asked that question tonight by the owner of the sugar free bakery I go to once a month. We were talking about appearances and I said I wished I looked like someone. He said,"you look fine. What is wrong with how you look?" honestly I couldn't answer him, so I said my nose. Stupid, huh?
I constantly complain about not liking how I look, but when an acquaintance asks me specifically what I don't like, I had no answer. It got me thinking... When you look at yourself objectively, not the "I feel fat" kind of way, but honestly just standing there looking at yourself as if you are talking to that person... Can you honestly say something negative about that person to her? I'm going to say no. You would never say something negative about a person's appearance to their face, so what makes it okay to say it inside your head? Saying it out loud to this man made me step back and realize how foolish I am for all this negative self talk.
I have a pleasant face, I like to laugh, and I love to make people laugh. Who cares if I have a zit on my chin, or a stray goat hair sprouting up where there shouldn't be? I am who I am, and I actually think I like her.
Now.... I had my annual physical this morning and she asked if I had considered losing weight to help improve my chances of delaying the onset of colon cancer. I told her that I was going to weight watchers, and she was happy for me! Every time I tell someone that I'm following weight watchers, I get a positive reaction. Why was I so ashamed of admitting this before? Hiding the fact that I am trying to take care of the only body I've got? I mean, it's plainly obvious that I am overweight and need to lose some mass, so by telling people I am taking care of myself is cause for celebration!! And you should celebrate yourself today, too!!
I am totally contradicting my bitchtacular rep today, but I really feel positive and amazing today.
Peace out, loves.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
what the deuce, wednesday?
seriously... i have to have a freaking root canal on April Fool's day. what the hell? major snow storm, root canal, what else can the universe throw me on April 1st. I'm ready for it! BRING IT. ("oh it's already been broughten..." best line ever) anyway... yesterday was less than stellar in the Weight Watchers universe for me. i had a grilled veggie burrito at QDoba for lunch, which wasn't horrible considering i passed up the cheese and sour cream, however... it did lead to some serious cravings in the evening. i ended up with approximately 44 points for the day (tapping into my weeklies by 6) and i feel fat today. i'm wearing my jeans and i feel it in the waistband. water retention, partly, but i know that i need to stop with the carbs. today, i didn't realize that until i ate an entire pita bread with my salad. i feel tired, sleepy, fatigued, grouchy, and want something sweet to pick me up. i have to stop! the hubs asked me if i wanted to go to the gym last night, and i politely declined. i had to clean the apartment for today was our annual maintenance visit for our apartment, and i like everything to look like we care about our property when management comes a-knockin. and now he wants to go tonight... as previously stated... i'm tired, sleepy, fatigued, grouchy, and now i'm cranky!! i have to stay late at the office tonight because our landlord is having an event downstairs and since i manage the security system, i have to be on-site to ensure nothing gets stolen. le sigh... and no, i am not getting paid for it. i'll just make up for it friday while i'm luxuriating during my extended lunch hour getting a root canal. does this girl know how to woop it up or what? your jealous. admit it. :)
Monday, March 28, 2011
The yuck stops here!!!
I am going to cut to the chase: down 1.8 this week!!! Two weeks in a row with a loss!! Hip hip hooray!!!!
Now I do not condone only eating apples and breath mints on weigh in day, and I also do not think I should step on the scale at home any more. Yes, Kristin, I'm talking to me. I keep playing these mind games with myself and it's more destructive than anything I could physically do to myself because the psychological bullshit I hand myself really starts to build up and causes this emotional implosion. Not cool. Not cool at all.
So... Here I sit in my meeting typing this, waiting for my inspiration to carry with me for the week instead of the desperation I give to myself. I tried two of the e-mealz recipes and it was very easy to stay on program when I prepare healthy and delicious meals for myself. It's one way to treat myself without costing me any weight or extra money.
While I was sitting at my meeting, I got a text message from one of my amazing friends in reference to my post about being so self-conscious about working out in front of people. She made an excellent point: this isn't about them. It's all about me, so I need to get over worrying what people think. True dat!!
I am so lucky to have such incredible, supportive friends who tell me what I need to hear. *smooches*
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Now I do not condone only eating apples and breath mints on weigh in day, and I also do not think I should step on the scale at home any more. Yes, Kristin, I'm talking to me. I keep playing these mind games with myself and it's more destructive than anything I could physically do to myself because the psychological bullshit I hand myself really starts to build up and causes this emotional implosion. Not cool. Not cool at all.
So... Here I sit in my meeting typing this, waiting for my inspiration to carry with me for the week instead of the desperation I give to myself. I tried two of the e-mealz recipes and it was very easy to stay on program when I prepare healthy and delicious meals for myself. It's one way to treat myself without costing me any weight or extra money.
While I was sitting at my meeting, I got a text message from one of my amazing friends in reference to my post about being so self-conscious about working out in front of people. She made an excellent point: this isn't about them. It's all about me, so I need to get over worrying what people think. True dat!!
I am so lucky to have such incredible, supportive friends who tell me what I need to hear. *smooches*
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Friday, March 25, 2011
to quote Madonna: get into the groove, girl you've got to move
Girl, what will it be?
I have GOT to move this ass. I haven't done anything remotely exercise related since my husband dragged me to the gym a month ago (well, i drove, but he forced me to go!). i got sick, and my momentum petered out. I hate, let me rephrase that. i HATE Planet Fitness. i feel like it's a meat market. let me rephrase THAT. MEET market. even though their slogan says "we're a judgment free zone," they totally are. c'mon. the girls who have the nice asses are prancing around in their tight little pants and short shirts, draping themselves on the equipment (and not breaking a sweat for fear their mascara might run), and the boys totally eat it up. i'm judging them (yes, i admit that... i am Mrs. Judgy McJudgerson), and they are judging me.
there's old and obese me... toiling away on a dreadmill and watching this take place. at 10:00 at night, even. kids, kids, kids! i feel so freaking self conscious, i don't go. i know i stick out like a sore thumb. i feel gigantic. i know i'm not, i'm "only" a size 16, but i am bigger than i have been in 5 years so i am feeling rather large at the moment.
so, what's a girl with a huge amount of insecurity to do? i am afraid to go to the fitness center at my apartment complex, it's rather small and the people who go there are usually hardcore and are sprinting on the dreadmills. i am afraid to walk the neighborhood because of coyotes. i have every excuse in the book as to why not. i have considered buying something so i can do my cardio at home in front of the TV while i catch up on "Nurse Jackie," but am i really going to commit to it? plus... do i REALLY want to walk that gigantic thing up three flights of stairs and then have it cluttering up my zen living space? not really.
gah.
so, dear diary: i need to work out. i know this. i just don't know how to get over the mental part of it. that's my biggest block on everything in this journey: my brain. i need to reprogram it. is it the red pill, or the blue pill? the blue pills are fun because you get s-e-x... oh, not that blue pill? damn it. oh, right... focus. i've been OK today food-wise. had lunch with the hubs, we both got grilled tilapia and the total point damage including a cappucino at Starbucks was 11 points. not bad, considering that's not even 1/3 of my daily allowance. tonight, i am going to the supermarket and buying the items from the eMealz grocery list so i can prepare things in advance.
I have GOT to move this ass. I haven't done anything remotely exercise related since my husband dragged me to the gym a month ago (well, i drove, but he forced me to go!). i got sick, and my momentum petered out. I hate, let me rephrase that. i HATE Planet Fitness. i feel like it's a meat market. let me rephrase THAT. MEET market. even though their slogan says "we're a judgment free zone," they totally are. c'mon. the girls who have the nice asses are prancing around in their tight little pants and short shirts, draping themselves on the equipment (and not breaking a sweat for fear their mascara might run), and the boys totally eat it up. i'm judging them (yes, i admit that... i am Mrs. Judgy McJudgerson), and they are judging me.
there's old and obese me... toiling away on a dreadmill and watching this take place. at 10:00 at night, even. kids, kids, kids! i feel so freaking self conscious, i don't go. i know i stick out like a sore thumb. i feel gigantic. i know i'm not, i'm "only" a size 16, but i am bigger than i have been in 5 years so i am feeling rather large at the moment.
so, what's a girl with a huge amount of insecurity to do? i am afraid to go to the fitness center at my apartment complex, it's rather small and the people who go there are usually hardcore and are sprinting on the dreadmills. i am afraid to walk the neighborhood because of coyotes. i have every excuse in the book as to why not. i have considered buying something so i can do my cardio at home in front of the TV while i catch up on "Nurse Jackie," but am i really going to commit to it? plus... do i REALLY want to walk that gigantic thing up three flights of stairs and then have it cluttering up my zen living space? not really.
gah.
so, dear diary: i need to work out. i know this. i just don't know how to get over the mental part of it. that's my biggest block on everything in this journey: my brain. i need to reprogram it. is it the red pill, or the blue pill? the blue pills are fun because you get s-e-x... oh, not that blue pill? damn it. oh, right... focus. i've been OK today food-wise. had lunch with the hubs, we both got grilled tilapia and the total point damage including a cappucino at Starbucks was 11 points. not bad, considering that's not even 1/3 of my daily allowance. tonight, i am going to the supermarket and buying the items from the eMealz grocery list so i can prepare things in advance.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Frustration mounting at the starting line...
I'm going the distance. I'm not going for speed. I just need to get there. And live healthier. I have heartburn today - got a tuna sub with extra pickles and apparently my body didn't appreciate a. 220 pounds of pickles, 2. Shoving the sandwich down my throat when I clearly didn't have enough time between work, going on tours of 8 properties, and living, and 3. Drinking diet pepsi like it was h2o. Bad, bad weight watcher girl!
I told a few friends today that I blog. They asked me what I wrote about and I said, without even thinking "oh, it's about how I hate being fat." Awk. Ward. I guess because I have so much self loathing, it makes people uncomfortable but I am so used to the negative self dialogue that I think nothing of saying things like that out loud. I guess I need to stop that.
Still struggling with my addictive/binge behavior - went to the supermarket and bought apples, milk, sf/ff pudding, coffee creamer, reduced fat peanut butter (the hubby's request), and ff cool whip. Healthy snacks - genius! I am determined to stop this binge cycle and not look back. No more peeps.
A friend of mine suggested emealz.com - I guess they give you menu ideas and the related shopping lists. I am going to check it out tonight after I play taxicab and pick up hubby from work. Yet another annoyance in my life I have little control over. Poop.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I told a few friends today that I blog. They asked me what I wrote about and I said, without even thinking "oh, it's about how I hate being fat." Awk. Ward. I guess because I have so much self loathing, it makes people uncomfortable but I am so used to the negative self dialogue that I think nothing of saying things like that out loud. I guess I need to stop that.
Still struggling with my addictive/binge behavior - went to the supermarket and bought apples, milk, sf/ff pudding, coffee creamer, reduced fat peanut butter (the hubby's request), and ff cool whip. Healthy snacks - genius! I am determined to stop this binge cycle and not look back. No more peeps.
A friend of mine suggested emealz.com - I guess they give you menu ideas and the related shopping lists. I am going to check it out tonight after I play taxicab and pick up hubby from work. Yet another annoyance in my life I have little control over. Poop.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I need a thintervention
What is wrong with me???
I had my epiphanous moment the other night, yet the past two days all I've wanted to do is eat my weight in peeps! There is something seriously wrong with me. I'm exhausted, presumably due to coming down from my peep high but man. This is really messed up.
I even shared my weight - my real weight -with my friend because I thought that by telling somebody it would shame me into sticking to this. It didn't work. I had basically starved my way home last night, ate meringue cookies, peeps, cottage cheese AND challah bread for dinner. What the fuck? I was so hungry, I was all about the instant gratification. I didn't even think about the scale, all I wanted to do was stop feeling like there was a hole in my stomach from being so hungry.
What am I so afraid of? I used to be so happy. I liked doing things. I enjoyed hanging with my friends. Sex was amazing because I enjoyed my body as much as his. Now.... It's all about self loathing and destructive thinking. I need help. I need someone to smack me.
Tonight, I had more meringues, 5 peeps, a bowl of progresso light clam chowder, 15 fat free saltines, and a roll. Carbaholics anonymous? You have a new candidate. Help me. Somebody. Before I od on peeps.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I had my epiphanous moment the other night, yet the past two days all I've wanted to do is eat my weight in peeps! There is something seriously wrong with me. I'm exhausted, presumably due to coming down from my peep high but man. This is really messed up.
I even shared my weight - my real weight -with my friend because I thought that by telling somebody it would shame me into sticking to this. It didn't work. I had basically starved my way home last night, ate meringue cookies, peeps, cottage cheese AND challah bread for dinner. What the fuck? I was so hungry, I was all about the instant gratification. I didn't even think about the scale, all I wanted to do was stop feeling like there was a hole in my stomach from being so hungry.
What am I so afraid of? I used to be so happy. I liked doing things. I enjoyed hanging with my friends. Sex was amazing because I enjoyed my body as much as his. Now.... It's all about self loathing and destructive thinking. I need help. I need someone to smack me.
Tonight, I had more meringues, 5 peeps, a bowl of progresso light clam chowder, 15 fat free saltines, and a roll. Carbaholics anonymous? You have a new candidate. Help me. Somebody. Before I od on peeps.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Yo, yo... what's up?
So... i restarted WW on January 24th. No secret there. I have been really struggling to find my mojo for oh... three years or so.
last night, i think it clicked. my friend and partner in crime on this WW experience hit her 10% last night and i was OVERJOYED. i actually burst into tears of joy when she got her keychain. i remember that glow when i got MY keychain (which has since broken, been thrown away, and the memory of receiving it was stored in the dark recesses of my brain). seeing her proudly accept her token... i wanted it again. like REALLY wanted it. this isn't about looking hot for my husband. he's been with me thick or thin - 70 pounds less, and now. he loves me and still wants to see me naked no matter how lumpy and bumpy i feel.
to put this journey into perspective, here's the summary of my progress:
week 1: -3.0 - net -3.0
week 2: maintain - net -3.0
week 3: +2.0 - net -1.0
week 4: -0.4 - net -1.4
week 5: +1.8 - net +0.4
week 6: -1.0 - net -0.6
week 7: +2.4 - net +1.8
week 8: -2.8 - net -1.0
net loss: ONE POUND. look at that - down, up, down, up, down, up. i'm a freakin YO YO!!
it's high time to stop screwing around and focus the shit out of this!! i have recently found myself saying "it's not worth it" when faced with some not-so-healthy choices, like cornbread or a latte (i know i'm broken when i turn down Starbucks, but that's another addiction story entirely - did you know we're twins? born the same day, same year and everything).
mojo? welcome back, old friend. i've missed you. now... ONWARD AND FORWARD (and, down for a change). i know i need to start exercising again, but i am so flippin self-conscious when i go to the gym or use the fitness center at our apartment complex. i am going to try and do a workout tonight on either Comcast onDemand, or on my Wii. cross my fingers - i want to earn at least 3 activity points a day to start. baby steps. but not too baby, because at the rate i'm losing, i will be at goal before my 65th birthday, and that is just not going to work out for my plan. i want to be a freaking HOT 40 year old on September 30th.
last night, i think it clicked. my friend and partner in crime on this WW experience hit her 10% last night and i was OVERJOYED. i actually burst into tears of joy when she got her keychain. i remember that glow when i got MY keychain (which has since broken, been thrown away, and the memory of receiving it was stored in the dark recesses of my brain). seeing her proudly accept her token... i wanted it again. like REALLY wanted it. this isn't about looking hot for my husband. he's been with me thick or thin - 70 pounds less, and now. he loves me and still wants to see me naked no matter how lumpy and bumpy i feel.
to put this journey into perspective, here's the summary of my progress:
week 1: -3.0 - net -3.0
week 2: maintain - net -3.0
week 3: +2.0 - net -1.0
week 4: -0.4 - net -1.4
week 5: +1.8 - net +0.4
week 6: -1.0 - net -0.6
week 7: +2.4 - net +1.8
week 8: -2.8 - net -1.0
net loss: ONE POUND. look at that - down, up, down, up, down, up. i'm a freakin YO YO!!
it's high time to stop screwing around and focus the shit out of this!! i have recently found myself saying "it's not worth it" when faced with some not-so-healthy choices, like cornbread or a latte (i know i'm broken when i turn down Starbucks, but that's another addiction story entirely - did you know we're twins? born the same day, same year and everything).
mojo? welcome back, old friend. i've missed you. now... ONWARD AND FORWARD (and, down for a change). i know i need to start exercising again, but i am so flippin self-conscious when i go to the gym or use the fitness center at our apartment complex. i am going to try and do a workout tonight on either Comcast onDemand, or on my Wii. cross my fingers - i want to earn at least 3 activity points a day to start. baby steps. but not too baby, because at the rate i'm losing, i will be at goal before my 65th birthday, and that is just not going to work out for my plan. i want to be a freaking HOT 40 year old on September 30th.
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