finally, it's FRIDAY!

i am so glad today is Friday. this has been the LONGEST week ever. why is it that the holiday weeks always seem to draaaaggggggg ass? nobody was in the office today, so that made it even less interesting than usual. even Prada took the day off.

i thought i was doing OK on WW this week, but today i seem to have derailed slightly. i don't know what it is... i seem to do great and then my mind plays these games on me and i just revert back to my old habits. am i afraid of changing? i know i didn't like the attention i got before, when i was thinner and healthier, but honestly - if i am going to live more than 41 years on Earth, i gotta start taking better care of this chassis. i'll work out tomorrow and try to burn some of those extra points that i had tonight (i was 3 over my DPAs).

i look at myself naked and i feel hatred towards myself for getting this far out of control. and i am insanely jealous of my better looking friends and family. i actually almost got into an argument today with a friend of mine when i was showing her a picture of my (gorgeous!) cousin and her new baby. i said "i hate to admit this, but all of my relatives are this good looking." my friend said, "and you're no different," to which i replied, "naw... i'm average at best." i thought she was going to hit me. i really don't think i'm anything fabulous - i was never told i was when i was younger, and all the beautiful people were pointed out to me with the remark, "why can't you be more like that, Kristin?" gee, i dunno. maybe genetics had something to do with it? i was never good enough, never pretty enough, never smart enough and i have always compared myself to those people and wished i had what they did. i've known this for a long time, but you know what? it doesn't matter because i have a husband who seems to love me no matter what.

and that's a tough thing to accept. does he REALLY love me? how do i know he doesn't have a "thing" for somebody else? i've never had a boyfriend faithful to me, and i guess i expect that from my husband as well. i know the way those other guys were has NOTHING to do with him, but i can't help but carry that fear, doubt, and insecurity into this relationship. sigh... what to do, what to do... i can't win.

so, that's my insight on myself for the day... i got no cute anecdotes, nothing funny to talk about... just a lot of inner dialogue.

good hair thursday

i REALLY love my new haircut. i have no idea what possessed me to want to get a bob after years of failures with that style, but man oh man what a difference a good (great) stylist makes! and the color! i haven't been able to take a picture yet that truly captures the brilliant colors, but it reminds me of a cherry cordial. i puffy heart my stylist, Stef, at Salon A'Brie in Danvers, MA. she is the bomb-diggity.

this is my third day of being completely straight and focused on Weight Watchers. the husband and i went to the gym last night... at get this - 9PM. yep. 9 P. M. what the hell was i thinking? anyway, i did 70 minutes on the dreadmill, and i took it slowly, but did crank it up a few when a good song came on the iPod. and my ankle is very angry today. not sure what's going on with it, other than avoiding arthroscopic surgery for the past ten years to reattach a few things might finally be catching up with me. i'll be careful. maybe. i gotta train for the Jimmy Fund half-marathon walk for September! (half marathon is my minimum commitment. depending on training and my schedule, i may go for the full)

i feel pretty good today - i am really optimistic that next Monday will be a positive (or is NEGATIVE deemed a good thing) at WW. as long as i stay focused, committed, and keep my eye on the prize...

cautiously optimistic... that's better.

smooches.

whack job Wednesday

this week was a holiday week, so i was thrown off schedule as far as my WW meeting was concerned. and, apparently, my eating. i ate four slices of pizza (leftovers from work... le sigh) over the weekend, and then proceeded to have Twizzlers for lunch on Monday. i "let" my husband take the car on Monday so i didn't have to get my lazyass out of bed at 6AM and drive him to work and then pick him up at 9PM - oh, the humanity!

yesterday, i decided that since i had diet coke for lunch (and nothing else, she admits sheepishly) that i would go to my meeting. i went home and changed clothes, and stepped on the scale. YELP! it showed 2 pounds up. but, i had told my meeting leader (who ROCKS, by the way) that i would go. i think i'm becoming one of her groupies because i followed her to another WW center last night. in the twentysomethingyears that i have been going to WW (not consecutively, thank you... i'm not THAT old), she is by far the most interesting and honest leaders i have known. and, we are becoming friends which is cool too. i guess i'm funny?

anyway... not to ramble, but to ramble... i LOST. 0.4 - and i was SHOCKED. i didn't deserve to lose, because i was really, really, really bad. but the topic was about measuring your portions and i was lit on fire. i actually measured out my egg beaters last night for my omelet (after talking myself out of going to Wendy's and getting a crispy chicken sandwich with fries - what? i had 29 points left for the day...). i feel like this week i am stronger, and more focused. i am not obsessing, i am not angry that i "can't have" something, but i am annoyed with stupidity.

story #1: my friend went to "our" meeting on Monday night, and one of the members had a "bad" week and actually had the audacity to stand up and ask the following question:
"i didn't lose this week. i ate a lot more vegetables than i usually do - do you think it's because of all the broccoli and carrots that i had that i didn't lose?" really? really?!?!? the way i remember, i didn't grow this gigantic ass by eating broccoli, carrots, cauliflower, or anything that grows on a tree unless it was covered with cheese, chocolate, or something equally gooey and delicious. i have no idea how the leader kept a straight face, but she said "nobody got here by eating too many carrots." touche.

story #2: this dude, who we call "propeller head," for announcing last week that he drank more than a gallon of Propel a day... and does. not. count. the. points. and eats ice cream every night. asked last night the following:
"if i steam my chicken, does it have the same points value as when i bake or broil it with nothin' on it?" really, dude? seriously? you have a piece of chicken, you don't add anything to it - it has the same values whether you eat it raw, steamed, broiled, boiled, or whatever as long as you don't add something to it. idiots. (PS, and i am gloating when i say this... Propeller head GAINED this week. Are you surprised? 'cause i'm not)

and this, my friends, is why i can never be a meeting leader. i have low tolerance for people who don't exercise common sense. and to me, that's common sense.

now... my question of the week was: "why do all the yogurt companies now offer 6 ounce cups instead of 8 ounces, including the WW brand, when 8 ounces is considered a full serving?" apparently, and this i did not know, that yogurt is no longer considered a dairy serving on the healthy guidelines because it is missing a lot of the nutrients and additives. which confuses me, because pudding, which is made with sugar and chocolately goodness, IS. oh well.

i'm still gonna eat my daily yogurt. it's better than eating a cookie, and has less points.

total weight loss since rejoining on January 24: 1.4 pounds - not great, but i'm making progress in my head, which is the biggest obstacle for me in this weight loss game.

huh... technical glitch or something else?

i posted twice after Tuesday last week. I SWEAR. i actually asked if anyone reads this blog, because i feel like i'm talking to myself. really. i guess it's okay to do that, but if i start responding to my own blog then i think i am going to have to seek psychological help, and not the kind that costs $0.05 at a booth manned by some kid named Lucy.

i had an okay week, i guess. today i'm feeling kind of down, but it's not because of anything that happened, it's how i interpret some things. when a friend says "yeah, let's do this together," and then goes and does her own thing... it's not me, it's her. i feel disappointed. but whatever, she's not really a close friend so it shouldn't be a big deal but it's still bothering me. to the point where i want to shelve my plans for June altogether.

what's the haps in June? a cruise on Royal Caribbean with a bunch of girls from WW are getting together. the problem is, a bunch of them are royally annoying, and i don't think i can bear to spend an entire week with them. i have little or no patience for people who can't think for themselves, and it's already started with the "i only have four months before the cruise, what do i WEAR???!? it's an EMERGENCY!!" really? this is your drama? i can't wait to see what they are like in a real personal crisis. grumble, grumble. the one ray of light is that my friend from Minnesota is going, and is my roommate. i hope that she and i find some cool people to hang with and avoid the morons as much as we can. i'm almost 40 years old, i've gotten to the point where i have little or no patience for people who can't think for themselves. grrrrr...

today is a holiday, so i've been home all day. the hubs took my car today, so i'm on my own. i watched about 11 episodes of "Psych" and i'm still bored out of my mind. i can't go to the WW meeting tonight, partly because i'm buried in boxes of clothes that i'm sorting through to give to a WW friend who's shrunk down to as 12-14, and i have a surplus of clothes that currently don't fit. (and i'm in shock at how many clothes i actually have that still have tags on them!) enjoy them, amanda. you have three shopping bags full of stuff on their way to Chicago!!

i'm going to WW on Wednesday night instead - the meeting leader for tonight leads the meeting then, and i have grown to loathe most of the meeting leaders except for this one. she's pretty awesome, talks to us instead of down to us, and doesn't do silly antics to hold the audience's attention.

that's it. no outfit for today. peace out, bitch (talking to myself, again).

radio silence?

i have been a little lax in posting the past few days, lots of things going on at work. presentations, planning a major move, and just dealing with everyone. does anyone read this, anyways?



well, i took another picture of an outfit this week:

another outfit by Lane Bryant - scarf from Target a few years ago and i have NEVER worn it! i was feeling casual for a Thursday, and anticipated having to clean up in preparation for some big cheeses visiting our office. in looking at this picture, i cannot wait until i get it cut tomorrow!!

anyways... one of the blogs that i read, written by a friend i actually met a few years ago, is talking about having a binge eating disorder. i can totally relate, as i have had my own struggles with binges over the years. i was in recovery for about 12 months without a binge, and i let some things get in front of that. it's like an alcoholic taking his or her first drink after abstaining for so long - and i couldn't stop. i am still on this very destructive path, but i do not want to go back to the 12-step program that i was a part of before because it was interfering too much with my real life. i am really curious to read more about my friend's progress with this program/support group that she found.

anyway, i encourage you to read her blog - it is very inspiring to see her overcoming issues that a lot of us deal with, but few have courage to come forth to talk about it. the link to her blog is on the right - "Losing the Shadow."

try me, Tuesday

Last night was WI at my WW meeting. not so awesome. i gained 2 pounds. i knew it was going to be a gain, but i was NOT prepared for 2 pounds. i was stunned, i maintained my composure and sat down with my friend who looked at me and knew i was upset. she said "don't let this ruin your mood." i held out my hand and she slapped it. PERFECT!! it was just what i needed. spank me, and get over it. onward and forward.

while i was at the meeting, i asked THE QUESTION. the one that's been burning in me since the new PointsPlus program started back in December (well, for me it was December because it was the last meeting of the new week). how can i eat all those points while eating my (now) free fruits and veggies? simple answer: you don't have to eat all of your points, but do not ever go below the minimum of 29 points. i have been really struggling with that, since a large banana once upon a time was almost 3 points, and now is free. i think i now understand what i've been doing wrong.

once upon a time, i followed the Core program. i did very well by eating nothing but Core foods, but i also tracked my points to make sure i ate enough. and it worked for me. the new program, when i look at it differently, really is the Core program with its Power Foods (formerly known as Simply Filling, formerly known as Core) and you track the values.

♫ let the choir of angels sing ♫ because light has finally dawned on my marble head.

new week. today. and i am going to use my daily points as a MAXIMUM. i will use my extra points for those days when i want to have a glass of wine (or two, or a bottle - i kid, i kid).

that's all i got - just a major epiphany thanks to Tara the Leader, also known as my queen (she doesn't know that part, but oh well). here i go... to infinity and beyond (and hopefully get in the loss column next week)!!!

why me weekend?

first: i know i shouldn't scale-hop, yet the piece of glass and stainless sitting on my bathroom floor beckons me every morning. and i weighed myself and showed "up." i thought i had a great week, apart from a minor slip early in the week but i just started my period which always seems to mess things up for a week or so. i'm trying not to let it derail me, and plan to go to my meeting tomorrow night with my friend because we had promised each other that we would go NO MATTER WHAT. even if i feel fat? hmm... i put a lot of stock in what that scale says to me, because i am so sick of being this overweight and not seeing any positive changes.

second: after talking to a bunch of people about what happened with my stepson, a lot of emotions that i had been holding in about my own (lack of) relationship with my father seems to have driven how i reacted to the stepson's tirade of words to my husband. i understand he is pissed that he won't get an iPhone (really shouldn't be much of a surprise to him, given that he loses his phone more than normal people, racks up about 7,000 texts a month, and oh... our last name isn't TRUMP). BUT that doesn't mean that he has the right to lash out and use every single nasty thing that his mother has said to him about us. and to say that HE is more responsible than we are - when we haven't been evicted or foreclosed upon in our entire life, nor have we been fired for stealing, AND have jobs... it's clear that the boy's mind is manipulated by their thinking, and that everyone else is to blame for their problems. some day, hopefully, he will realize that personal accountability and responsibility really does make you a better person. demanding handouts from people because you feel entitled does NOT actually give you the right to get those things. oh well.

third: we are STILL waiting on the adjuster to come back and let us know what the status is of my husband's Jeep is. all signs point to a total loss, including the techs who work at the body shop, but it is still in the insurance company's hands. the impact was not at high-speed, but the entire driver's side of the vehicle is crushed in, the seats in both the front and back are ripped from the floor, windows shattered, and the frame is definitely at least bent if not destroyed. the car that hit my husband was a 1998 pick-up truck, and not a lightweight vehicle. i actually thought it was a Sherman tank, given the look of my husband's car, and the fact that they only lost their front bumper as a result of the impact. amazing that nobody was hurt - i actually think that Jeff's grandfather was watching over him that night (he's buried in a cemetery less than a mile from where the accident occurred).

so, that's what's going on in my neck of the woods... i am going to see a friend speak at a "Success Stories Live" event at Weight Watchers this afternoon. i can't wait to hear hers and others' stories! it will also keep me out of my kitchen for the afternoon, so i won't be tempted to lose control like i usually do when i see a gain and say "why bother?" and start the binge cycle. i have to stay FOCUSED on being healthy and eat the right things - i got the results of my biopsies on Friday afternoon and i am NO LONGER GROWING CANCER CELLS!! yahoo! that was the best news of the week!!! i feel very vulnerable, however, and am going to do EVERYTHING i can to eliminate the possibility of developing this again. yep, those nurses who gave me the intervention? message received, heard, acknowledged, and action plan engaged. *smooches*

fricken Friday

My stepson is angry with my husband who will not allow him to have an iPhone and started texting jeff yesterday telling him that he's nothing but a sperm donor, that he (jeff) chose me over him, that his stepfather (the unemployed, several times evicted father of at least 3 other kids) is going to adopt him. up until this point, we had all gotten along VERY well, and just because Jeff won't give into the kid's demands (we cannot afford an additional $60 on the phone bill, not to mention he loses his phones every 3-6 months).

This is my nightmare. I never wanted the kids to think that their father chose me over them, have done everything to be a friend to them and not try to be remotely parental, and did nothing but love this kid. Being a stepkid myself, I know how it feels for your parent to write you out of their life and it hurts me that he would even suggest that is what we did to him - we absolutely did not. i haven't seen or spoken to my father for any length of time since i was kicked out of my house at 17 years old because his wife didn't want an instant family (and made no bones about making that public knowledge to anyone she met).

I have no family, all I have is jeff. And his kids don't want me to be a part of it. I cried myself to sleep last night and don't want to even go to work today. I'm so hurt. And angry that jeff shared all of this with me, knowing how I would feel. i am also angry with jeff that he has let his son's mother walk all over him for the better part of 15 years and did NOTHING to fight for that kid.

I want to scream, I want to cry, but worst of all - I told my husband that I wanted to die. This scares me, I don't know what to do about thinking that way but it's a lot of pent up feelings about being rejected by my own family and now by his son. I really truly hate myself. I feel like I was to blame for my parents' divorce, I am to blame for my mother hating me, my father not wanting to be a part of my life, and now I came between my husband and his children without even knowing it, and I should have known better given my own experience as a stepchild. Fuck.

Sorry for the pity party... but this blog is about my life and how I deal with it. And don't worry, you don't have to call Samaritans for me... I'm not really suicidal - I was just having one of those George Bailey kind of moments where I felt like the world was better off without me. My angel Clarence, not his real name, gave me the right words this morning to make me feel better about things.

thinking Thursday

Last night i had a conversation with my husband. i had to be totally honest about a few things that i had been holding back on.

1. that i didn't answer the phone on Sunday night when he called the first two times because i was angry about his friend's Super Bowl Party (i wasn't invited because apparently, when you're older than everyone else and speak your mind (in a nice way, but still direct) that makes you a bitch) and thought they were calling me to give me a piece of their mind. and i feel incredibly guilty because he was calling me for a ride home after totalling his car. i call that bad Kristin karma to the 1,000th degree. lesson #1: it's really NOT all about me. sorry, honey. i cannot tell you how bad i really feel about that.

2. losing weight. three nurses at the hospital told me last Thursday that losing weight will slow the progression of any colon cancers that i am genetically subsceptible to. THREE nurses. one would be bad enough, but i really felt like i was getting ganged up on by the healthcare profession. i know i'm fat, i know i am unhealthy, i can see and feel both of those things. intervention - duly noted. so, i told the hubs about that, and told him that i am going to really need his support while trying to finally get rid of this weight. and by support, i do not mean looks or comments like, "are you supposed to be eating that?" but by not bringing shit into the house like he has been doing. no more snack foods, no more Kozy Shack puddings (apparently a new trigger for me), none of that. he agreed. wise choice, husband. especially now that i am your sole source of transportation these days.

so, today is Thursday. i had a pretty good Wednesday food-wise, although i probably could have done without that Balance Bar snack in the early evening. i kept within my points plus allowance, but i didn't exercise. i'll get there - i lost a lot of momentum fitness-wise when i had pneumonia so that's going to be a slow progression back into a routine.

So, this picture makes me realize that i totally need a haircut! Stef... i NEED you!!

Today's outfit 100% brought to you by Lane Bryant (including my underthings).

something old, something new

so, i've been reading blogs for quite some time and created this one a while ago.

i'm making some serious changes in my life, so i have decided to try something new. (i'm the old part, in case you were keeping score.) i am a 39 year old woman living just outside of Boston, who is really trying to make some positive changes in her life as a result of some seriously scary health stuff (colonoscopy, several precancerous thingies removed, being told losing weight will make me a lower risk in spite of some rotten genetics).

i am going to start a journal/photojournal of my progress this year to see how much i change while trying to live a healthy lifestyle and still look good in the process. i hope i can keep up with it - the bloggers that i religiously follow are seriously awesome (Fab Finds Under $50, Bombshell Beauty, TMinus TPlus, Losing the Shadow, to name just a few).

Today, my outfit consists of gray herringbone ponte knit pants and long-sleeved black tee from Lane Bryant, purple sweater from Old Navy, and shoes by Liz Claiborne (courtesy of Auntie).

i started back at Weight Watchers on Monday, January 24th and to date have lost 2.4 pounds. considering i wasn't 100% on board the first couple of weeks, it's not a horrible start. i had a lot going on, and was not mentally ready to get serious about it. i'm still waiting to get the results of my most recent biopsies, and that is freaking me out a bit at the moment but i will get through it.

what doesn't kill me WILL make me stronger.