fricken Friday

My stepson is angry with my husband who will not allow him to have an iPhone and started texting jeff yesterday telling him that he's nothing but a sperm donor, that he (jeff) chose me over him, that his stepfather (the unemployed, several times evicted father of at least 3 other kids) is going to adopt him. up until this point, we had all gotten along VERY well, and just because Jeff won't give into the kid's demands (we cannot afford an additional $60 on the phone bill, not to mention he loses his phones every 3-6 months).

This is my nightmare. I never wanted the kids to think that their father chose me over them, have done everything to be a friend to them and not try to be remotely parental, and did nothing but love this kid. Being a stepkid myself, I know how it feels for your parent to write you out of their life and it hurts me that he would even suggest that is what we did to him - we absolutely did not. i haven't seen or spoken to my father for any length of time since i was kicked out of my house at 17 years old because his wife didn't want an instant family (and made no bones about making that public knowledge to anyone she met).

I have no family, all I have is jeff. And his kids don't want me to be a part of it. I cried myself to sleep last night and don't want to even go to work today. I'm so hurt. And angry that jeff shared all of this with me, knowing how I would feel. i am also angry with jeff that he has let his son's mother walk all over him for the better part of 15 years and did NOTHING to fight for that kid.

I want to scream, I want to cry, but worst of all - I told my husband that I wanted to die. This scares me, I don't know what to do about thinking that way but it's a lot of pent up feelings about being rejected by my own family and now by his son. I really truly hate myself. I feel like I was to blame for my parents' divorce, I am to blame for my mother hating me, my father not wanting to be a part of my life, and now I came between my husband and his children without even knowing it, and I should have known better given my own experience as a stepchild. Fuck.

Sorry for the pity party... but this blog is about my life and how I deal with it. And don't worry, you don't have to call Samaritans for me... I'm not really suicidal - I was just having one of those George Bailey kind of moments where I felt like the world was better off without me. My angel Clarence, not his real name, gave me the right words this morning to make me feel better about things.