Tell me what you don't like about yourself...

I was asked that question tonight by the owner of the sugar free bakery I go to once a month. We were talking about appearances and I said I wished I looked like someone. He said,"you look fine. What is wrong with how you look?" honestly I couldn't answer him, so I said my nose. Stupid, huh?

I constantly complain about not liking how I look, but when an acquaintance asks me specifically what I don't like, I had no answer. It got me thinking... When you look at yourself objectively, not the "I feel fat" kind of way, but honestly just standing there looking at yourself as if you are talking to that person... Can you honestly say something negative about that person to her? I'm going to say no. You would never say something negative about a person's appearance to their face, so what makes it okay to say it inside your head? Saying it out loud to this man made me step back and realize how foolish I am for all this negative self talk.

I have a pleasant face, I like to laugh, and I love to make people laugh. Who cares if I have a zit on my chin, or a stray goat hair sprouting up where there shouldn't be? I am who I am, and I actually think I like her.

Now.... I had my annual physical this morning and she asked if I had considered losing weight to help improve my chances of delaying the onset of colon cancer. I told her that I was going to weight watchers, and she was happy for me! Every time I tell someone that I'm following weight watchers, I get a positive reaction. Why was I so ashamed of admitting this before? Hiding the fact that I am trying to take care of the only body I've got? I mean, it's plainly obvious that I am overweight and need to lose some mass, so by telling people I am taking care of myself is cause for celebration!! And you should celebrate yourself today, too!!

I am totally contradicting my bitchtacular rep today, but I really feel positive and amazing today.

Peace out, loves.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

what the deuce, wednesday?

seriously... i have to have a freaking root canal on April Fool's day. what the hell? major snow storm, root canal, what else can the universe throw me on April 1st. I'm ready for it! BRING IT. ("oh it's already been broughten..." best line ever) anyway... yesterday was less than stellar in the Weight Watchers universe for me. i had a grilled veggie burrito at QDoba for lunch, which wasn't horrible considering i passed up the cheese and sour cream, however... it did lead to some serious cravings in the evening. i ended up with approximately 44 points for the day (tapping into my weeklies by 6) and i feel fat today. i'm wearing my jeans and i feel it in the waistband. water retention, partly, but i know that i need to stop with the carbs. today, i didn't realize that until i ate an entire pita bread with my salad. i feel tired, sleepy, fatigued, grouchy, and want something sweet to pick me up. i have to stop! the hubs asked me if i wanted to go to the gym last night, and i politely declined. i had to clean the apartment for today was our annual maintenance visit for our apartment, and i like everything to look like we care about our property when management comes a-knockin. and now he wants to go tonight... as previously stated... i'm tired, sleepy, fatigued, grouchy, and now i'm cranky!! i have to stay late at the office tonight because our landlord is having an event downstairs and since i manage the security system, i have to be on-site to ensure nothing gets stolen. le sigh... and no, i am not getting paid for it. i'll just make up for it friday while i'm luxuriating during my extended lunch hour getting a root canal. does this girl know how to woop it up or what? your jealous. admit it. :)

The yuck stops here!!!

I am going to cut to the chase: down 1.8 this week!!! Two weeks in a row with a loss!! Hip hip hooray!!!!

Now I do not condone only eating apples and breath mints on weigh in day, and I also do not think I should step on the scale at home any more. Yes, Kristin, I'm talking to me. I keep playing these mind games with myself and it's more destructive than anything I could physically do to myself because the psychological bullshit I hand myself really starts to build up and causes this emotional implosion. Not cool. Not cool at all.

So... Here I sit in my meeting typing this, waiting for my inspiration to carry with me for the week instead of the desperation I give to myself. I tried two of the e-mealz recipes and it was very easy to stay on program when I prepare healthy and delicious meals for myself. It's one way to treat myself without costing me any weight or extra money.

While I was sitting at my meeting, I got a text message from one of my amazing friends in reference to my post about being so self-conscious about working out in front of people. She made an excellent point: this isn't about them. It's all about me, so I need to get over worrying what people think. True dat!!

I am so lucky to have such incredible, supportive friends who tell me what I need to hear. *smooches*

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

to quote Madonna: get into the groove, girl you've got to move

Girl, what will it be?

I have GOT to move this ass. I haven't done anything remotely exercise related since my husband dragged me to the gym a month ago (well, i drove, but he forced me to go!). i got sick, and my momentum petered out. I hate, let me rephrase that. i HATE Planet Fitness. i feel like it's a meat market. let me rephrase THAT. MEET market. even though their slogan says "we're a judgment free zone," they totally are. c'mon. the girls who have the nice asses are prancing around in their tight little pants and short shirts, draping themselves on the equipment (and not breaking a sweat for fear their mascara might run), and the boys totally eat it up. i'm judging them (yes, i admit that... i am Mrs. Judgy McJudgerson), and they are judging me.

there's old and obese me... toiling away on a dreadmill and watching this take place. at 10:00 at night, even. kids, kids, kids! i feel so freaking self conscious, i don't go. i know i stick out like a sore thumb. i feel gigantic. i know i'm not, i'm "only" a size 16, but i am bigger than i have been in 5 years so i am feeling rather large at the moment.

so, what's a girl with a huge amount of insecurity to do? i am afraid to go to the fitness center at my apartment complex, it's rather small and the people who go there are usually hardcore and are sprinting on the dreadmills. i am afraid to walk the neighborhood because of coyotes. i have every excuse in the book as to why not. i have considered buying something so i can do my cardio at home in front of the TV while i catch up on "Nurse Jackie," but am i really going to commit to it? plus... do i REALLY want to walk that gigantic thing up three flights of stairs and then have it cluttering up my zen living space? not really.

gah.

so, dear diary: i need to work out. i know this. i just don't know how to get over the mental part of it. that's my biggest block on everything in this journey: my brain. i need to reprogram it. is it the red pill, or the blue pill? the blue pills are fun because you get s-e-x... oh, not that blue pill? damn it. oh, right... focus. i've been OK today food-wise. had lunch with the hubs, we both got grilled tilapia and the total point damage including a cappucino at Starbucks was 11 points. not bad, considering that's not even 1/3 of my daily allowance. tonight, i am going to the supermarket and buying the items from the eMealz grocery list so i can prepare things in advance.

Frustration mounting at the starting line...

I'm going the distance. I'm not going for speed. I just need to get there. And live healthier. I have heartburn today - got a tuna sub with extra pickles and apparently my body didn't appreciate a. 220 pounds of pickles, 2. Shoving the sandwich down my throat when I clearly didn't have enough time between work, going on tours of 8 properties, and living, and 3. Drinking diet pepsi like it was h2o. Bad, bad weight watcher girl!

I told a few friends today that I blog. They asked me what I wrote about and I said, without even thinking "oh, it's about how I hate being fat." Awk. Ward. I guess because I have so much self loathing, it makes people uncomfortable but I am so used to the negative self dialogue that I think nothing of saying things like that out loud. I guess I need to stop that.

Still struggling with my addictive/binge behavior - went to the supermarket and bought apples, milk, sf/ff pudding, coffee creamer, reduced fat peanut butter (the hubby's request), and ff cool whip. Healthy snacks - genius! I am determined to stop this binge cycle and not look back. No more peeps.

A friend of mine suggested emealz.com - I guess they give you menu ideas and the related shopping lists. I am going to check it out tonight after I play taxicab and pick up hubby from work. Yet another annoyance in my life I have little control over. Poop.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

I need a thintervention

What is wrong with me???

I had my epiphanous moment the other night, yet the past two days all I've wanted to do is eat my weight in peeps! There is something seriously wrong with me. I'm exhausted, presumably due to coming down from my peep high but man. This is really messed up.

I even shared my weight - my real weight -with my friend because I thought that by telling somebody it would shame me into sticking to this. It didn't work. I had basically starved my way home last night, ate meringue cookies, peeps, cottage cheese AND challah bread for dinner. What the fuck? I was so hungry, I was all about the instant gratification. I didn't even think about the scale, all I wanted to do was stop feeling like there was a hole in my stomach from being so hungry.

What am I so afraid of? I used to be so happy. I liked doing things. I enjoyed hanging with my friends. Sex was amazing because I enjoyed my body as much as his. Now.... It's all about self loathing and destructive thinking. I need help. I need someone to smack me.

Tonight, I had more meringues, 5 peeps, a bowl of progresso light clam chowder, 15 fat free saltines, and a roll. Carbaholics anonymous? You have a new candidate. Help me. Somebody. Before I od on peeps.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Yo, yo... what's up?

So... i restarted WW on January 24th. No secret there. I have been really struggling to find my mojo for oh... three years or so.

last night, i think it clicked. my friend and partner in crime on this WW experience hit her 10% last night and i was OVERJOYED. i actually burst into tears of joy when she got her keychain. i remember that glow when i got MY keychain (which has since broken, been thrown away, and the memory of receiving it was stored in the dark recesses of my brain). seeing her proudly accept her token... i wanted it again. like REALLY wanted it. this isn't about looking hot for my husband. he's been with me thick or thin - 70 pounds less, and now. he loves me and still wants to see me naked no matter how lumpy and bumpy i feel.

to put this journey into perspective, here's the summary of my progress:

week 1: -3.0 - net -3.0
week 2: maintain - net -3.0
week 3: +2.0 - net -1.0
week 4: -0.4 - net -1.4
week 5: +1.8 - net +0.4
week 6: -1.0 - net -0.6
week 7: +2.4 - net +1.8
week 8: -2.8 - net -1.0

net loss: ONE POUND. look at that - down, up, down, up, down, up. i'm a freakin YO YO!!

it's high time to stop screwing around and focus the shit out of this!! i have recently found myself saying "it's not worth it" when faced with some not-so-healthy choices, like cornbread or a latte (i know i'm broken when i turn down Starbucks, but that's another addiction story entirely - did you know we're twins? born the same day, same year and everything).

mojo? welcome back, old friend. i've missed you. now... ONWARD AND FORWARD (and, down for a change). i know i need to start exercising again, but i am so flippin self-conscious when i go to the gym or use the fitness center at our apartment complex. i am going to try and do a workout tonight on either Comcast onDemand, or on my Wii. cross my fingers - i want to earn at least 3 activity points a day to start. baby steps. but not too baby, because at the rate i'm losing, i will be at goal before my 65th birthday, and that is just not going to work out for my plan. i want to be a freaking HOT 40 year old on September 30th.

makeup review! Tarte Jewels of the Amazon

last night, i hit Sephora to buy a friend a birthday gift (her birthday is the ides of March - yikes!). she's been looking for the perfect mascara and i knew that i could find what she needed at Sephora, plus a few extra goodies.

and of course, i had to find something for me. i lost my beloved eye makeup brushes this week, a very sad day when i realized that i lost not 1, not 2, but 8 brushes at the same time! Sephora no longer offers the brush kit that i was looking for, so i decided to look at other brands to see what they had to offer when i came across the tarte Jewels of the Amazon clay liner trio. Three colors, a matte black, a bronzy brown, and a deep green, each in their own cute little pot. oh, and a dual-ended brush! sweet!! the liners are very soft, and you just apply a little bit to the brush and then follow the lash line. easy peasey.

today, i tried the green with the thicker end of the liner brush for a softer edge. usually, i am all about the harsh lined cat eye, but today was shitty out with rain and fog and i decided not to look my usual bitchtastic self and go for a nice June Cleaver-ish look today. complete with a Lillith Sternin Crane bun (with a blingy barrette to pull back the grown-out bangs).

















i am a little bit frustrated with the closed-eye shot, because you can definitely see some issues. not sure if it was the eye primer that i used this morning (Mally), the fact that i am totally hormonal and have the oily skin of a teenage fryolator employee from McDonald's, or if it's the eyeshadow i used (also Mally). usually, i use the Bare Escentuals eye primer, and that makes every different type of eye shadow stay put without the creases.

overall, however, tarte has definitely scored with this product. it was easy to apply, the color makes my eyes look rather pretty, and for $39, i basically paid $13 for each liner plus a free brush! Sephora, you know how much i love you. and this is why. you give me so many options to beautify myself!! ♥

oh, and the whole reason i went to the store was for my friend's gift. i ended up with the Flawless Definition mascara from Bare Escentuals in black, and a cute little "minimergency" kit for life's little emergencies, like bad breath, broken nail, cramps, boo boos, any emergency you can imagine is covered in this kit. LOVE. and it comes in a really cute little gold case.

i'd say, overall, it was a very productive visit to my friends at Sephora. yay!

outfit inspiration

today's outfit is inspired by Kimberly's Fab Finds Under 50 Outfit Inspiration Calendar - wear a pencil skirt with a colorful cardi.

Cardi - Merona by Target (scored for $14 on clearance in 2009)

Pencil Skirt - NY & Co. (so old, can't remember the price)

Black lace cami - Lane Bryant ($16)

Fun Patterned Tights - Avenue ($10)

Bow-tie ballet flats - Target ($25)

what do you think? pardon the hair - i was lazy this morning and didn't flatiron it. this picture proves i need to spend more time styling it than i do.

everything i am wearing (with the exception of the cami) is OLD. like over a year old - cleaning out my closet forced me to go "shopping" with what i had and i am going to really make an effort to start wearing the things i already own. i gave up shopping for Lent. i know, i'm not catholic any more, but when you grow up for 18 years practicing certain rites like Lent - you fall into the habit and it becomes something other than religious.

so... captain's blog, day 1 of shopping moratorium - so far so good. i feel sane, strong, and ready to start saving some cash!!

i cannot do this alone...

... and i am finally ready to admit that.

yesterday, i was having a really bad day. like, bad of epic proportions. i did not want to go to WW. i had stepped on the scale on Sunday and it hadn't moved since last week, and after the trying experience of none of my clothes fitting in the closet... let's just say i had a bad feeling that if i heard "you're up" this time that it would start a downward spiral that i wasn't confident i could recover from.

after reaching out on Facebook (sometimes, i can overshare but 99% of my friends on Facebook are from WW), i got a lot of response including from my meeting leader. she reached out to me via private message and reassured me. she told me to focus on the positive, and forget about the negative things - like gaining 80 pounds in less than four years' time. i have been OBSESSED about that lately - i feel like such a failure for letting myself go so far down the path. i am so close (actually, probably over it) my all-time high weight. i am disgusted. i am disappointed. i am defeated.

after much soul-searching, and a lot of encouragement from some totally awesome friends (Jan, Nancy, Jen, and Tara), i sucked it up and i went with my friend Colleen. we had committed to each other that we would force each other to go even when things got tough - and i felt like if i didn't go, i was letting her down.

i stood on the scale, after taking off my cardigan, earrings, and any other weight-bearing items and waited. with my breath held. really... i started turning blue and almost passed out. after what seemed like an eternity, the scale lady said, "one pound." i looked at her, and asked "up or down?" she laughed and said "DOWN, silly." i didn't believe her! my friend cheered. actually CHEERED in the weigh-in area. i felt like a hundred pounds was immediately lifted from my shoulders.

i have to learn how to listen to others, and stop listening to the evil demon in my mind that tells me i'm a failure. i have to learn to NOT let the scale dictate my emotions, or how i feel about myself. and most importantly, i have to embrace this as an experience, not a freaking torture.

another lesson learned: do not ever try on clothes when you have PMS. it will not end well. you just have to trust me on this.

you know you've gained too much when...

...your XL dresses from Tar-jay don't fit. ugh.

the past two weekends, i've been spending a lot of time cleaning out my closet and giving friends some of my smaller clothes that i will not likely be able to wear in the next few years, and donating the more worn clothes to the Salvation Army. i decided to try on a few things for shits and giggles while i was in the closet - i mean, how fun is it to go shopping in your own closet, right?

WRONG.

99% of the stuff doesn't fit!! size 14, 16... too tight. when did this happen? my weight has stayed the same (pretty much, in spite of that 1.8 pound gain last week at WW) so i dunno what to make of this. i'm disgusted with myself, and i don't want to let the husband see me nekkid but i have to do it because, well, he's my husband!! i've been miserable because i don't feel attractive, and afraid that he didn't find my attractive any more. he stares at me all the time, tells me how beautiful he thinks i am, but i honestly believe in my head and heart that he is only saying this to make me feel better. i've been a total bitchbag lately having this pity party for myself. it's a horrible way to live. but now i KNOW i need to lose weight because the problem is only getting WORSE.

i have been exhausted, can't get enough sleep, and am at the end of my rope. i have told my doctor before, and she added some granules thingy for my thyroid but it made my heart race so i stopped it. i bought a book last night at Barnes & Noble called "no more fatigue" by Jack Challem that looks promising. it starts with stress as being a major contributing factor for fatigue, which i honestly didn't think of as being a physical thing but apparently it is because it produces these nasty hormones. so... i am going to start following some of the advice and try to incorporate it into my day to day and see what happens. being so tired during the day, i actually eat carbs just to try and stay awake. it's lousy, and a vicious cycle.

that's it for now, i guess. i didn't take a picture this week, i am PMSing and feeling very aggressive and angry and honestly didn't want to torture myself with pictures. le sigh...

so i will leave you with this picture which has inspired my tattoo idea. my wedding bouquet was star lillies and i am going to get the star lillies done on my back with our wedding date on it. i kind of like the scrolly design on this one but instead of stars may do birds in honor/memory of my and jeff's grandparents. thoughts?