a loss is a loss is a loss...

right? yeah, i'm trying to convince myself that it is still good that i have lost a half a pound over the past six weeks, but it's a HALF A POUND IN SIX WEEKS. that's just a little more than one ounce, people. FRUSTRATING.

and i now have bronchitis which means i cannot work out. what the frick. i don't think i am ever going to get my body back to healthy at this rate! my ambitious (but not overly) is to weigh at least 20 pounds less when i go in for my follow-up colonoscopy. i am a little panicky over the anesthesia and my weight so i am really trying to be not-so-morbidly-obese. 250 pounds, man! c'mon!!

today i am just uber-venty... not much to add except that i am still tracking even if i am only eating soup and oatmeal. definitely not getting my healthy guidelines in every day... le sigh.

sunday, sunday...

today has been very uneventful....

my husband and stepson left the house around 11:30 and i proceeded to take a much needed nap. the stupid cat kept waking me up all night, he was apparently cold and wanted a snuggle - there are not enough Benadryl in the world to keep me asleep when he starts that. so, the husband (rock star!) suggested getting a heated bed for Le Chat. score! amazon.com had one for about $45 WITH free shipping. i look forward to a good night's sleep in 5-8 business days.

i'm starting to feel the effects of my sugar detox - i actually can feel the energy coming back. i ate very well today, didn't meet all of my precious WW healthy guidelines, but it's a process. last week, *gasp* i lost a point. who knew that one point would have so much power? i was absolutely STARVING on Friday after losing that one. i have a lot of points to lose... read: a lot of pounds to lose. when all is said and done, if i get to a healthy weight i will be about 90 pounds lighter than i was when i started this again.

i really hate that i have to do this again, but after seeing a friend (who I met through WW) yesterday, i realized it CAN be done and you CAN live a healthy life without deprivation or gaining it all back. she basically rocks my world, anyway. beautiful, intelligent, sweet, caring, and has this uncanny knack to kick me in the ass when i need it without leaving a bruise.

on the agenda for tomorrow: start cleaning out the garage (what a way to spend the first day of vacation - we're too sexy for our own good), and either dreadmilling an hour away or walking somewhere to enjoy the fall foliage. i sound like a tourist, but autumn is my absolute favorite month - and it has nothing to do with my birthday and EVERYTHING to do with Halloween.

Patti LaBelle said it best...

"I got a new attitude!"

Yeah, I sure do. I went to my Weight Watchers meeting last night with my friend, and was pleasantly surprised by the theme du jour - "why is this so hard?!"

anyone knows that anything worth it takes a little bit of effort, and good health and sanity is definitely my high priority right now. i feel so energized this morning, sort of that honeymoon bliss that everyone feels when they are starting something new.

i'm not going to pretend that it wasn't disheartening to realize how much weight i have gained when i was so close to the goal, but that's in the past. i have to grow and move on from that. enough excuses, enough of the pity party of one, here i go...

and i will add that i am wearing a really cute purple tunic with lantern sleeves today and black jeggings (thank you to Lane Bryant and their awesome sale!) and i feel so cute! i am going to do everything that i can to make myself FEEL the part before i actually LOOK the part.

when it rains, it pours

so...

yesterday i had an appointment with my gastroenterologist as a follow-up to last year's ass cancer scare. i told the doctor, i'm sure he's a nice guy and a lot of fun to hang out with but i really don't want to have to see him for the rest of my life.

anyway, i have to go back under the knife to make sure they got it all. oh, joy. and if it comes back clean, i get to wait three years before i see him again. *crossing fingers*

the rude awakening there was... i have gained 25 pounds since i saw him in August, 2009. that's not cool.

then i go home, and i start reading my Jackie Warner book, "This is Why You Are Fat," as if there's any surprise there, right? well... she starts chapter two about sugar addiction, and says more than once that cancer is fueled by sugar because it's easy for it to absorb and gives the cancer cells energy for growth. awe.some. candy corn in the trash.

this morning, i arrive at work... several emails in my inbox awaiting my review, but one caught my attention. "Pictures." so, i open it, puruse to see if there's anything that piques my interest...

and...

wait for it...

tah dah...

i'm gigantic. wake up call received, noted, and acknowledged.

Here we go again... to Weight Watchers i go. i am too embarassed to go to the gym, so i'm not sure what to do about the fitness aspect, but this is my motivation.

i'm on strike

yup. i'm on strike. day 10 actually, but i just decided to blog about it today. because i had been feeling really negative lately and am doing everything i can to laugh my ass about all of the stupidity of life.

i flat out refuse to be my husband's maid, servant, mother, housekeeper, girl friday, or indentured servant any more.

dishes have been in the sink since two Sundays ago. yes, TWO sundays. a dried up gross oatmeal bowl, an aluminum pan that he used to cook chicken, and a rusting cookie sheet. i'm not going to do it.

dirty socks are strewn all over my living room floor, under the sofa, down the hall, in the spare bedroom. and i'm leaving every single one.

i am cleaning up after myself and the cat. but that's all. and he's having friends over on saturday while i'm out of town. game on, buddy. GAME ON.

i feel him starting to weaken. i bring home my dinners or use paper plates. not very environmentally friendly but i'm making a statement for all woman kind here. the few plates that i use will benefit all of humanity if i can restore sanity and peace between the sexes.

Tired of not being good enough

i'm sick of it.

i'm going to whine for a minute, if that's OK.

i'm sick of being fat. i'm sick of not being able to control my binges. i'm sick of not feeling like i'm good enough to be with my friends. it's starting to really take a toll on my spirit. my body? forget that... it's already so far gone. i'm about ten pounds away from my highest weight, and my husband is trying so hard to make me feel beautiful.

i don't know what triggered this downward spiral, but it started about two years ago and i just can't recover from it. i don't think anyone cares, i don't think i'm worth it, i don't care about taking care of myself. i haven't gone to the gym in three weeks. i'm wearing black. every. single. day.

snap me the fuck out of this funk, please!

I have been remiss...

Slacking is a better way of describing it. Seven months and I haven't written a single word.





For an aspiring writer, that is bad news. The truth is... I am an addict. Reading other people's blogs, playing Bejeweled, and Facebooking. I realized the other day that I totally need to put my own thoughts and ideas onto paper.




I've been reading a lot of blogs from gorgeous, beautiful, curvacious women and they have made me realize something: I need to celebrate what I look like instead of hiding what I look like. I used to be so cute and free (I mean, CHECK ME OUT sporting that bikini in 1980!) and lately I've been ashamed because I have gained 60 pounds and think everyone is looking at me like I'm "that girl who can't stick to anything or stay fit."

One of my friends had gastric bypass surgery last year and has lost over 160 pounds. Incredible, I know. But she has never been ashamed about her appearance even when she weighed more than 300 pounds. I want to learn from her, I want to BE her.

I don't know where my mojo went, but I need to get it back. DESPERATELY.

So, I'm going to start writing some more on my blog. Hopefully someone will start reading it and relate to what I have to say. I am going to talk about all sorts of stuff - general day to day musings, celebrities, self esteem... it's a no-holds-barred kinda blog.